Study Shows 75% of Men Stink

As I mentioned on Friday, my mother and I conducted a scientific study last week and stand by our results. It started at an Estate Sale run by Grumpy McHatefulpants. We went in with all kinds of optimism, and we were excited to see jewelry the moment we came in the door. Because Grumpy hadn’t priced ANYTHING, we had to ask the cost. “$1.00 to $8.00.” Okay, we could work with that. Mom found three items and placed them for checkout. He then proceeded to tell her that two of the pieces were $8.00 and when we mentioned that one of the pins were broken, he said, “I know! It’s still a great piece and it would be $35.00 dollars in a store, you stupid hags quit trying to steal my money.” He didn’t actually say that last part, but I read between the lines. Then he said the ring my mom had picked up was missing a stone, so obviously it would be $25.00 dollars. I know we’re from Tennessee, but I’m pretty sure 25 is not between 1 and 8. Needless to say, we left WITHOUT the jewelry.

At our second estate sale, my mom purchased a set of twin bed mattresses and box springs. The ladies running the sale didn’t have any men on hand to help get them downstairs, and we were just about to call JD, when a very nice gentleman offered to put them in the truck for us. He carried them downstairs and set them in the back of the pickup all by himself. The only problem was that they wouldn’t fit with the tailgate closed. As he was trying to push and shove them into place, a man of about 30 came walking out of the house. Our hero said, “Hey, can you help me for a second?” And Asshat McFat said, “NO, mumble mumble, I’ve got to go.” Then he proceeded to cloven hoof it on out of there. Gah! It took all of my self-control not to yell at him out the window as we drove by. Since I couldn’t find him by the time we left, it was a little easier.

FINALLY, my mom and I were heading home, minding our own business, when blue lights appeared in the rear view mirror. Immediately I started wondering what I’d done. Had he noticed that I was reading the Facebook messages on my phone to my mother while driving? Perhaps it was because I crossed the center line trying to scroll? Maybe it was the four mattresses hanging out of the truck! I pulled over and the officer came to the window. “Ma’am, is there some reason you were going 70 miles per hour in a 45?”

I was incredulous! Of all the things – that? Shocked, I asked, “I was going SEVENTY MILES PER HOUR?”

Deputy Deadpan Stan said, “Didn’t you hear me? I just said that.”

Sigh. Is testosterone Greek for jerk? Somebody check into that for me. Surprise, surprise, the dude actually let me off with a warning. He wanted to know why I was going so fast and I told him something about driving my mom’s truck, and HEMI, and he must have found Jesus while he ran my license because the next thing I know I was on my way.

So to recap, of the 4 men we came in contact with 2 were terrible, 1 was helpful, and 1 was puffed up on power, freaking us out before leaving us alone. Sounds about normal.

New TV Season’s Greetings

How am I supposed to find time to blog when the fall television schedule has started in such grand fashion? Nashville, Grey’s Anatomy, Once Upon a Time, and Revenge have all started and I’ve still got Scandal and Grimm to look forward to. As you can see, I’m going to be very busy the next few months.

Speaking of busy – this weekend about did me in. Saturday, JD shot a wedding for a friend of mine, and of course, I helped. He doesn’t DO weddings, but since it was everything he likes in one – a beautiful bride, less than a dozen guests, and a gorgeous venue – he agreed. We like things simple. Also, easy. But despite the fact that there were only 11 adults it almost killed us. He was there for 8 hours, me for 6, and I could barely walk afterward. Apparently standing is now an extreme sport for me.

Sunday, we skipped church. Well, we skipped “organized religion”, and opted instead to have HOME church. This is where we read a book of the bible and then talk about it while Moon picks up the remote and fiddles with it constantly so that she won’t miss any of her show the second we finish. It was a step up from last Sunday’s constant nose-blowing, and no one from the church called to say how sorry they were we weren’t there, so I guess it was the right choice for everyone involved.

After church, I drove across town to play tennis. It was actually an extension of “home church”, because I was praying the ENTIRE time. I had a new partner for the day, and while we lost the first set, we managed to miraculously win the next two. Seriously, I have no idea how other than Jesus took pity on us. Which does not explain why he hasn’t taken pity on me all the other 97 million times I’ve begged for help on the tennis court, but I’ll take what I can get.

Now, after a whole day of standing and three sets of tennis, I am officially whooped. It’s time to get in the shower, brush my teeth and jump in the bed. And by “jump in the bed”, I mean watch the premier of the new show, Betrayal. That free hour in my schedule was really starting to mess with me.

It Is What It Is

I have a really long post about how my mom and I went to some estate sales and ran into a bunch of RUDE men, but after reading it, let’s just say you had to be there.

So now I’m tired and ready for bed and all I could find was this movie trailer for what has to be the most boring Disney movie ever made. Seriously, I didn’t smile once!

And if I don’t think you’re funny, you ain’t funny, amiright Kittens?

So, instead of posting a boring post about men, I replaced it with a boring post about a movie. At least I’m consistent.

Less than Zero

God bless those bloggers who can make a day of doing nothing sound interesting. Maybe tomorrow I’ll just post links to their sites.

Whatever, here’s a timeline of the most interesting things of my day:

8:30 a.m. Moon let me put her hair up using the sock bun. She looked really cute, and she KNEW it. At one point she took off her glasses and lamented the fact she hadn’t gotten contacts because, “These glasses are ruining my look. I look like a nerd.” Uh, isn’t NERD what we’ve been going for all these years? Geesh.

10:00 a.m. I stopped by a local, pro-life ministry to talk Twitter and hashtags, and other social media stuff that I totally understand. #makingstuffup

12:30 p.m. Left my real job to go eat Mexican because I had a birthday this year and I found a friend who felt so guilty for missing it he offered to buy my lunch. I had to wear a giant sombrero while an entire restaurant sang which was totally worth it in case anyone wants to take me tomorrow.

5:00 p.m. I FINALLY got home after a loooooong day of work and relaxed on the couch for a few minutes because I  deserved it after nearly working myself to death.

8:00 p.m. Stopped relaxing on the couch and folded a basket full of laundry.

8:05 p.m. Went back to relaxing on the couch and watched The Voice.

10:00 p.m. Played Barbies for 5 minutes which felt like 87, tucked Moon into bed, wrote this blog post and called it a day.

I may or may not post tomorrow. After a day like this, I need a vacation.

Bizarro World

I admit I spend a lot of time on the internet, thus, I am probably way smarter than you. Okay, maybe not WAY, or SMARTER, but I’m at least up on all of the latest crazy events of the world, events you might have missed without my laser-like focus on the world wide web. Here are a few examples I ran across today.

1. A church. For atheists.

Remember when atheists were just stupid people that you kinda admired cause they could sleep late on Sundays, until you remembered they were all going to hell? Now they’re not content to just mock us at cocktail parties for clinging to our guns and religion. They are starting CHURCHES. The good news is that they’ll probably all die of boredom in 6 months, or someone will sneeze and get a “God bless you”, and they’ll all leave in a huff because HYPOCRITES.

2. The Worst Reality Show EVER.

I can’t even. I don’t want to see or hear or rate, or even THINK about normal, healthy Americans doing the hanky-panky thing, much less BRITISH couples. I don’t care if they are inside a box, all I’d be thinking about is Charles and Camilla.

3. Vandals topple an 850 pound, 10 Commandments monument located in D.C.

I am totally shocked. I would have thought it would have been struck by lightning years ago.

4. When will boys just be girls and get it over with?

A boy gets suspended from school for playing with a air-soft (also known as a TOY) gun in his OWN front yard.

5. People who play spades? Racists.

Just another reason bridge players are better.

And now you know, the rest of the crazy stories.

Suffering Loudly

This has been a busy weekend, Kittens, so pull up a chair, grab your coffee and let’s chat. It actually started on Thursday night. JD and I went to a fundraising banquet of a local, pro-life ministry and while I usually just throw a tiny check in the envelope and head home before anyone realizes they lost money once I ate that second dessert, this time I stayed. I was asked to join three other ladies who were staying the night at the hotel to help count the money. They wanted ME to count the money! Nothing feels better than writing a tiny check unless it’s staying in a room with women who call out your name, the check number and the amount of your tiny check. Good times. We stayed up until 4 a.m. making sure everything was correctly added and accounted for, and also that I hadn’t left a zero off my check. I think I did a good job, except that as we were leaving, I forgot I was carrying the money bag on my shoulder. I got on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and suddenly yelled, “Where’s the money?” Everyone, including the swarm of folks walking into the hotel, turned to look and then I yelled, “Nevermind, I HAVE IT!” Street smart, I ain’t.

Saturday morning, JD and I took Moon downtown to the Atlanta Dream Center for a morning of service. It was our turn to host the monthly “Supper Club”, and we decided instead of the traditional dinner at our house, we’d all go downtown and help serve the poor. I mentioned the plan to my brother and he said, “Is it really that difficult to clean your house?” Yes, yes it is. Everyone was game, and it was actually a real blessing to us all. The only irritant to the whole morning was that Moon had woken up with a cold, and she had a burning desire to ensure that EVERYONE knew it. Sure you’re living in a poor neighborhood with three kids and your husband is incarcarated and you need a job, BUT I HAVE A COLD! Can’t you hear me sniff? Look at my face, I am FROWNING. Let me blow my nose while everyone is praying, cause otherwise you might not hear it! I’m downplaying it a bit, but I assure you it is true. It’s hard to be sweet and holy when you want to swat your kid on the back of the head, but I did my best.

Because I am extremely Christian, and also kinda stupid, I went to church on Sunday and took Moon. In my defense, I hadn’t actually heard her snort and/or sniff all morning. Yes, I spent the morning showering and drying my hair and looking under beds for shoes, but still, you’d think if she was all that ill I would have seen a sign. But no, she waits until we are in the 2nd row, smack dab in the middle, to decide that she must rid her nose of any and all mucus COMPLETELY even if it means blowing her nose the entire 45 minutes. I kept giving her the “really??” look and she kept giving me the “WHAT?” look and between us I’m pretty sure no one was able to pay any attention whatsoever to our pastor, so you might want to check out the podcast in case it was important.

Afterward,  I was driving to tennis and thinking about my messy, small-check, nose-blowing weekend and wondering if people were annoyed, and what I could have done differently, and basically just hashing over the weekend and then I had a thought. Just two simple words really, but they brought me comfort. I thought:

Screw It.

That’s right, screw it. Somebody has to be that family, right? I mean, my check was small, but I’m giving, and my daughter was frowning and sick and snorting, but she was downtown watching her family give out bread to POOR PEOPLE. And maybe someone sitting in the back row with a crying baby next week will think, “Who cares? At least he’s not blowing his nose for 45 minutes!”

Hey, everyone has a calling. Mine just happens to be making people feel better about their own lives.

(FYI, Moon’s fine – no fever, drinking lots of fluids, etc. I’m sure she’ll snort and sniff her way through school with no problem.)

Movies You May Not Know About Yet

If you don’t spend all day looking at movie previews on YouTube and Trailer Addict, don’t worry about it – cause I DO! And I’ve decided to let you in on a few of my favorite movies (trailers) that I want to see but probably won’t.

1. Enough Said starring Julia Louise Dreyfus

2. August Osage County starring Meryl Streep and everyone in Hollywood

3, I’m sure this is offensive in a ton of ways, Jewtopia starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Tom Arnold

4. One for the holidays, All Is Bright starring Paul Rudd and Paul Giamatti

I’m fully aware that no one likes what I like. But to prove it, here’s an oldie but a goodie, a trailer from one of my all-time favorite movies ever – Little Miss Firecracker!

I’m not sure WHY, but I really identify with the lead.

How YOU doin?

The title was a Friend’s reference, by the way. It’s always a good sign when a blog post starts off with a reference to a 10 year old sitcom, amiright? Look, I’m tired. I’m way too popular and active for my body apparently, thus I have a stiff neck and an inability to stay up past 9 p.m.

It started with a sleep-over. Doesn’t it always? Moon hadn’t had anyone over in a while, so I relented and told her she could bring a school friend home with her on Friday. Because there is nothing to do at our house, and I didn’t want to spend money actually going somewhere fun, I improvised. Improvising is where I make my husband do something. In this case, I had him set up our massive 3-room tent in the living room. We threw a blowup mattress inside, put a checked tablecloth over the coffee table, filled a cooler full of Little Debbie cakes, threw out a couple of camping chairs, then locked ourselves in the bedroom with Netflix and some headphones. It was a success. As far as I know  – I was out by 11 and the kids were still breathing when I got up on Saturday, so YAY me.

Saturday morning, JD took the girls to the lake so they could canoe and not catch any fish, and I stayed in bed until the last possible second. I’d probably have stayed there until Sunday, but our dear friends, Kit and Brat (not their real names), invited us to the Braves game. It was a celebration of my and Kit’s birthday which explains why we went, but not why they paid for everything including dinner. What can I tell you, my mom always says I have good friends, and she is right. At least this one time.

Anyway, not only did the Braves get a home-run on the Moe’s Homewrecker Home-run challenge which means we got a free burrito from Moe’s, but Kit got on the jumbo screen!

It could have been the hat she was wearing considering it was 42 different colors and featured birthday candles. But it was probably because she is super cute. Having neither to recommend me, I stayed in my seat and just consoled myself with thoughts of the Homewrecker burrito I was going to eat the next day.

Which I did. Totally. I had to play tennis first, hence the sore neck, but believe it or not, I actually WON. My regular partner was out of town and I played with a friend that we call “The Backboard”, so it was pretty much all her, but I didn’t care. I am 1 and 0 for the season, UNDEFEATED, baby!

Afterward, I wanted nothing but to take a shower and go to bed, but Sunday’s are Moon’s night, so at her request, I slept with her. Which explains why  I had a dream that my friends threw me into the bed of a truck with a moose right on top of me, and drove me around for hours while we tried to find someone to get it OFF.

Other than that, it was a very restful weekend. Now I’m off to bed to rest my neck. I have this feeling that something’s wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left Philange!

Yeah, ending with a Friend’s quote isn’t any better than starting with one.

Friday Five

Before I get into the list, I just wanted to tell you that Moon does NOT need braces. At least not for another 6 months. And I’m a little disappointed in the number of people that wondered which orthodontist we visited. Really? You think I’d take my daughter to a 1 star shop for anything less than a 50% discount? You don’t know me at all.

Now on with the list!

1. My daughter and I are kinda in love with this song and video. I play it any time she needs to be redirected from a dramatic moment. We play it A LOT.

2. Speaking of videos, this combines two fun things – Blurred Lines with Sanford and Sons. Epic.

3. Most of my Summer shows are finished and my Fall shows haven’t started back yet, but I STILL managed to find something good on BBC.

4. This is why I’m Vegan AND fat:

12 Surprising Vegan Foods

5. I watched The Notebook for the 87th time this week. Ryan Flippin’ Gosling people! Which led me to the age old question, Is Ryan Gosling Cuter than a puppy?

If you even have to think about the answer to that question, don’t ever speak to me again.

Enjoy your weekend!

Clear Choices

Chances are that while you’re sipping your morning coffee and reading this, JD and I will be driving Moon to the orthodontist. A couple of weeks ago, we took her to the dentist and they said it was time. Apparently some of her teeth can’t come in because some of her other teeth are crowding them. Also, she grinds. The dentist gave me a couple of referrals but they were too far away, so I asked around and my sister-in-law gave me a name. Apparently, he’s awesome. And it’s not just my sister-in-law who thinks so, he’s got something like 20 reviews online and they are all 5 stars. They talk about how fun his office is, all the new technology, and something called the Fun Zone. Sounds great. And by “great”, I mean EXPENSIVE.

Our dental plan doesn’t cover braces at HIS office, but I went online and found one place in Kennesaw that WILL give us a 25% discount. His office also has reviews. 19 reviews and they average one star. They say things like, it’s next to a pawn shop, the dentist always looks like a slob, and his chair has duct tape on it. Man, people can be so critical! Obviously you don’t want to wear your best clothes when working on children’s teeth, what with all of the spitting and such. And a little duct tape never hurt anyone. She’ll only be sitting there an hour or so, every month for probably, what, 6 or 7 years? Some people are just snobs, amiright? And could someone tell me what is wrong with being next door to a pawn shop? Seems to me it’ll make it easier when I hock my wedding band to pay for the first installment.

Besides, his website has a video and it doesn’t look all that bad.

I’m sure she’ll be fine. It’s not like he had ZERO stars, geesh.