I love my bridge partner, Patty. NOTHING fazes that woman. She’s a great, Christian lady who never says a bad word about anyone. The perfect compliment to me! A few years ago, we took a road trip to play at a bridge tournament in St. Simons. So. Much. Fun. The last day we were playing on what’s called a Swiss Team. Here’s all you need to know about that: normally you’d play 3 or 4 hands against a couple, and then you move to the next table. This is awesome if you run into an annoying partnership. You play a few hands and then you’re rid of them. But in Swiss Teams, you sit and play the same couple for a bunch of hands, like SIXTEEN. If you get stuck with a couple of duds, then it’s excruciating. Patty and I should know.
There we were, playing against this man and his wife, and the husband got REAL annoyed with me. First of all, he was trying to rush me. I HATE being rushed. “We’re going to get behind, They’re going to call the round, Blah, Blah, BLAH.” I was giving him my “whatever, DOOFUS” look. Some hands are harder than others to play, it all works out in the end, so just shut IT!
Then his partner made a stupid bid that made me NOT bid, and when I found out that she had led me astray, I called the Director. That’s right, I called the DIRECTOR. The director is like the referee. You raise your hand, yell “DIRECTOR” loudly so that everyone looks up to see what’s causing the disturbance, and then you tattle. Dude was really wishing he was at another table at this point and he was quite obvious about it. If you’re wondering how anyone could ever find me annoying, then allow me to introduce myself. Thanks for stopping by!
Anyway, the dude was unhappy. Then it happened. My phone rang. See, when you sit down to play bridge, everyone makes a big deal about how you should PLEASE turn off your phone! A ringing phone is a big no-no, the DIRECTOR can do bad things to you because of it. So I immediately turned around in my chair, leaned over the side and began frantically digging through my huge bag to try and find my phone. That’s when, well as Patty tells it, I exposed the table to my “butt crack” for five minutes. Yeah, I might have mooned our opponents. When I finally got my phone turned off and back to the table, Patty had a huge grin on her face. The wife looked like she had broken a crown off her back tooth, and DUDE was looking at his cards, his hands, anywhere but at me. Patty says this was not the case only moments earlier when he got an EYE-FULL.
Needless to say, we won. I’m pretty sure that dude has never played bridge again. Whatever. A girl’s gotta use what’s at her disposal. And this baby’s got lots of back.