Mom and the Aunts were here this weekend which explains why I’ve been horizontal ever since they left. Doing nothing obviously wears me out. Sometimes they come and we’re lucky to find ONE estate sale. On Friday, we found four.

1. Where We’re Accused of Thievery and Ironically Get Robbed

We arrived ten minutes before the first sale and stood in line with the rest of the treasure hunters. As soon as the door opened, we rushed over the threshold only to be met by a lady yelling that no large bags or boxes were allowed. For you newbies, professionals like us carry estate sale essentials in our bags – diapers for padding material, masking tape and a sharpie to write “SOLD” on items you want to claim without having to stop shopping. Ours was actually full of snacks, but that’s beside the point. The woman at the door was obviously afraid people would put things in their bags and leave without paying, but we didn’t like her attitude so we ignored her. At one point I heard my Aunt Ann yell in a loud, Southern drawl, “I A’im Not A THIEF!” We found lots of great stuff and my mom spent 141.00 bucks. Unfortunately, when we added it up, it was only 114.00 dollars worth of stuff. We called them when we got home and they assured us they’d give back the money if we cared to drive the 60 miles round-trip to get it. Which is how we spent our Saturday.

My find: Incense

While in India, Mantamy dropped me off for a day of shopping and I asked if there was anything SHE needed. She said to look for long sticks of incense. That was a year-and-a-half ago and I’ve been looking ever since. I THINK these are incense but since I don’t read Chinese, they could also be fireworks. I plan on giving them to Mantamy and let her find out. Right after she signs a waiver.

2. Where My Gaydar Malfunctions and I Spend Fifty Cents

The second sale wasn’t promising. There was a line out the door meaning this sale was being run by anal Huns who only let a select number of people inside at a time. Two come out, two go in. I dropped the ladies off at the door, then drove a half mile away and parked. On the way back, I saw two men carrying a table. Okay, Kittens, what does two men + antique table + estate sale= if not GAY? So I can be excused for giving them a huge smile and saying HI like they were my long lost friends, right? Which is when one of them stopped and gave me a serious look-see and his best, “How you doin’?”  This prompted me to move him from the “gay” column to the “poor eyesight” column very quickly.

My find: Straws. And a fancy wine opener which my Aunt Fay bought by mistake cause she thought it was a nut cracker.

3. Where I Profit from the Bad Economy

There are estate sales, and there are estate sales.

By the time we got to this one, most of the fancy furniture and goodies had been sold. Which is sad cause I was really hoping to drop a few thousand on a new rug. So we had to be content with walking around and taking pictures while people looked at us like the posers we were.

My find:

A book on Whaling Walls that I originally thought was on Israel but turns out it is about some artist named Wyland that paints large marine murals. Who knew? I thought those were done by Poster Hut. But since Alaska Ashleigh likes stuff like that, and it was signed by the artist in a couple of places, I spend the two dollars.

4. Where I Pretend to Take Up Smoking and Further My Fabulosity

We were heading home, finished for the day, when we noticed another Estate Sale sign and decided to take one more shot. Turns out the house was a Mid-century Modern saleapalooza. Mom got tons of vintage jewelry and I got a great boost for the Zolligirl’s 40 Days to Fabulous Adventure TM.

My find:

A cigarette case.

And you thought it was lame! It actually holds a FLASK.

Perfect to wear with the new, old leopard print muu muu I also found. I am soooooo close to a new fabulous self.

And when I’m done, it’s Forty Days of Fabulous for JD. Those gold shorts rock.

Friday night I went to see The Help with the church ladies radigals. It was a great movie about racial tensions in Mississippi during the 60’s. Afterward I found myself deeply depressed. Not about the racial stuff, that got all worked out. I’m talking about something serious. Turns out that while I THOUGHT I had lucked out and got the matinee price, in reality, I’d been given a different discount. A SENIOR CITIZEN discount.

I know, right? How that pimply-faced moron behind the glass mistook a totally hip chick like me for 55+ is beyond me. And to make it worse, my friends who are VERY close in age to me, were charged full price! Ironically, one of them actually PEED HER PANTS when I told I’d been given a senior discount. Yeah, I’M the old one. Whatever.

But, just like the “help” in the movie who gathered their courage to overcome, I too have a plan. Of course, my problem is much harder, but I won’t let that stop me. That’s why today marks the beginning of:

Zolligirl’s 40 Days to Fabulous TM

That’s right. In 40 days, I’m going to be TOTALLY fabulous. Here’s the plan in case you want to follow along:

Goal 1. Lose 10 pounds. I wanted to do 40 pounds in 40 days but I thought that might be a little tough since I’m really hoping that exercise won’t get dragged into this. I’m going to do it by sticking to the Paleolithic Diet, where you eat only things that were around during the Paleolithic time period. No fast food, no chips, no sugar. Hey, I grew up in the Paleolithic period! This is going to be a snap.

Goal 2. Have a makeover. About twenty years ago, I went to visit the parents of a boyfriend during Christmas. As a gift, his mother took me to Marshall Field’s for a make-up intervention. She didn’t call it that, but we both knew the truth. The makeup lasted about as long as the relationship. So now I need a do-over. I’m looking for great makeup that won’t break the bank. I’m sure that will be easy to find. Those bottles are so little!

As I get to looking good, I’m going to work on a few other things too. Like keeping a cleaner house, spending more time with the family, being nicer, blah, blah, BLAH. For now, let’s just concentrate on the important thing – the OUTSIDE. Feel free to join me on this journey. In forty days I’ll be looking great and paying full-price as God intended. And my friend?

Oh, she’ll be investing in Depends. You can’t cure a weak bladder in forty days, I don’t care how hard you try.