Do you know Chrissy Teigen? Well, she’s a super hot, Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, so you might not run in the same circles. She’s married to John Legend and has a billion followers on Twitter, so basically my twin. Anyway, as if THAT wasn’t enough to keep her busy, she apparently likes to eat and blogs about food on her website, So Delushious.

One day, I was looking over her site for a possible Moron Test Kitchen, when I saw an amazing post about scallops. AMAZING. So I decided that I could not rest until I tried them. I was craving scallops for days, telling my husband that I could not wait to make them. Finally, I headed over to Publix to grab a few for dinner. I was thinking maybe five or fifteen each ought to do the trick. That’s when I discovered, and you might want to sit down for this, that scallops are TWENTY DOLLARS A POUND.

I almost cried in the grocery store. I called JD and told him to forget about getting out the fancy dishes, we were having CHICKEN.

Sometimes my life is so sad, amiright Kittens?

Because I’ve told that story about a hundred times, on a recent work trip, my boss INSISTED that I order the SCALLOP appetizer and the pasta with SCALLOPS entree. I ate myself into a wonderful, SCALLOP-induced coma. Then I woke up at 3 a.m. and threw up and I haven’t had SCALLOPS since.

Moral of the story: Never try to eat what super hot, swimsuit models eat. You know throwing up is part of their DNA.

As you may have seen on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, we went to Chicago this past weekend. It was a LOT of fun and we saw some great sites, ate some good food, and ran into some old friends. But here’s a look at a few things I DIDN’T post.

1. Preparation

I learned very quickly that we needed to add in a 30 minute cushion each morning to prepare Moon’s hair. Oh sure, lots of tweens spend time on the hair, but does YOURS have to duplicate a Leia or Padme style before they’ll leave the house?

You try figuring out how Padme wore her hair on Geonosis before she saw Anakin. Thank goodness for the internet and a plethora of hair products available on every corner of Chicago.

2. The Segway tour was a huge hit – riding them is easy, and we all picked it up quickly. Moon did a great job and rode like a pro. I admit I was a bit worried as we zoomed down the sidewalk while traffic zoomed just a few feet away, but that’s what prayer is for, right? Our guide was nice enough to stop now and then and take our picture.

“Everyone, raise your hands”, he said.

“Yay,” said JD. “Whee,” said Rachel, “Don’t SHOOT!” said the fat lady on the left. Evidently, riding a Segway doesn’t burn many calories. To be fair, I WAS wearing a really blousy shirt. I have no excuse for the pose.

3. I fought Chicago and Chicago won.

It just so happened that all of my sandals bit the dust before our trip, so I went out and bought a pair of Dr. Scholls walking shoes, JUST FOR WALKING.

This happened on my FIRST day before we even got to the FIRST event. Luckily the hotel was right next door to a shoe store.

 

They weren’t any better.

Hey, running from corner to corner buying enough bobby pins to recreate the hairstyle from when Padme is on the balcony on Nabu takes its toll.

But totally worth it, amiright Kittens?

 

So in an effort to try EVERY diet under the sun, I recently signed up for Nutrisystem. After one week, I’m ready to give a full report.

I ordered online and went with the Choose Your Own Food option. After 4 – 6 days, my food arrived, and it was a BIG box. I was surprised to learn that none of it was frozen, especially since I’d ordered pizza and lasagna. Anyway, the huge box came, including the Fast 5 box of food and shakes they’d included as an incentive to order. Here’s my thoughts:

Pros:

1. The food was GOOD. Pretty much everything I tried – the muffins, lasagna, white bean chili – all of it was delicious.

2. The plan was EASY. Seriously, when it’s time for breakfast, I just picked up the bag marked BREAKFAST. It was really nice not to have to think about what I was going to eat.

3. It WORKED. I didn’t lose the fast 5 pounds (more about that below), but I did lose weight – 2.2 pounds.

Okay, now the Cons:

1. It’s PRICEY. The basic plan is $244.00 for a month of food and you have to auto-renew for at least an additional month to get THAT price.

2. The portions are SMALL. This is not really a con since they don’t expect you to just eat the food they send. You are supposed to eat your meals with veggies and smart carbs, etc. but if you were just going to eat the meals alone, you’d be hungry.

3. I didn’t lose that MUCH. I would have like to have lost the full 5 pounds but since I substituted one of their “shakes” with a “beer”, and one of their “lunches” with “Chinese”,  I can’t really blame them.

A friend of mine wanted to try it and so today I ordered 3 of the One Week Sample packs and it ended up being $197.00 dollars. If she ends up joining, we both get $30.00 bucks off our next order!

One more PRO – the customer service as been amazing. My first order didn’t arrive on time, FED-EX couldn’t find us, and when I called on a SATURDAY, the nice rep was able to input directions AND change my second order to be shipped via UPS. Also, when I called to order the 7 Day Sample Pack, the rep put the order in and found a way to save me $30.0o dollars.

We’ll see how I feel in two months, but for now, it’s NutriSystems GO!

(Sorry that there are no pictures but I’m having Iphone issues)

8:30 a.m. Wake up, talk to Tania-the-Mad. Like every other day of my life.

9:00 a.m. Go into office. Commute takes 15 seconds.

11:30 a.m. Go out front door to see if UPS has brought a package. See UPS man in drive way. Rethink not wearing a bra at home.

2:00 p.m. See an email from an irate homeschooler discussing how www.dictionary.com had offensive examples using “homeschool” in a sentence.

2:01 p.m. Jump on bandwagon. Tweet, Facebook information. Email Twitchy to make sure they’ve heard.

6:00 p.m. Hear from a friend that Robin Williams has died. Verify the info. Be bummed.

7:00 p.m. Watch recently purchased dvd, “Drop Dead Gorgeous.” Explain to husband a celebrity on Facebook recommended it.

9:00 p.m. Delete celebrity friend on Facebook.

9:10 p.m. Read that dictionary.com has removed offensive sentences. Feel satisfied at accomplishment.

9:35 p.m. Write a blog post. Put a lot of effort and thought into it.

10:00 p.m. Delete and post this instead.

 

My new diet officially started today and  I have high hopes.

I had the traditional, Eat-Your-Last-Great-Meal feast to prepare myself for the month of deprivation. Mantamy and ThinLizzy hosted a reunion of the Paris girls, (did I mention that I went to PARIS last year) and we had a wonderful night of food under the stars.

 

We had a delicious Croque Monsieur, which is a fancy French version of the melted ham & cheese, and a yummy dessert called Pavlova, which was obviously invented by the Australian’s and named for the Russian ballerina, Anna Pavlova, who visited there in the 1920’s. Whew, I think I just strained my Googler.

I didn’t bother to get the recipe because I took one look at it and knew I’d never even ATTEMPT to make it. I did take a picture of it, but I can’t get it to send, so just imagine a meringue nest of lemon custard and topped with fresh berries. Just writing it makes me want to inhale another one. We had an AWESOME time eating and laughing and there may have been a glass of Sangria or two.

Of course, the party ended the way all great parties end, with someone bleeding in the kitchen. My glass had a small chip in it, and when our Garcon went to wash it, he cut himself bad enough to need FIVE stitches. I felt really bad for him, until Mantamy said their primary concern was that he’d get an infection from my MOUTH GERMS.

Hmmph. I may not have the hosting skills of Mantamy and ThinLizzy, but no one ever cut themselves on a glass at one my MY parties.

 

That’s why God invented the “tasse rouge”, am I right Kittens?