Weight Watchers Whatever

Since I was really good last week and didn’t lose a pound, I decided to be very mature about it and eat anything and everything I saw. Hamburgers? Sure. Fried Chicken? Absolutely. A box of Tagalongs? You get the idea. For this weigh-in, picture me strutting to the scale in my latex two-piece, shooting Bob and Jillian the bird. And the scale says: ZERO lost, ZERO gain. I call that a victory.

WhatEVER. I’m trying something new. I mean old. I’m going back to the old point system. But first, I’m going to do the Tracy Anderson diet for a few days. Unfamiliar with Tracy? She’s the bean pole who got Madonna to look like a gapped-tooth skeleton. Her diet promises you ‘ll lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. I did it for one week last year and lost 5 pounds. I think I’ll try it for a few days, THEN start WW. Yeah, that’s totally going to work. Here’s a week of Tracy:

Sunday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
Lunch
3 oz grilled chicken breast — or fresh turkey breast (no deli meat!) — with ½ cup each of chopped cucumber and tomatoes
Snack
1 cup mixed berries (try raspberries, blackberries and blueberries)
Dinner
1 cup organic pasta with ½ cup steamed spinachMonday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain—or vanilla—nonfat rice milk
Lunch
2 hardboiled eggs with ½ cup each of baby carrots and cherry tomatoes
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled sea bass with ½ cup steamed spinach

Tuesday
Breakfast
1 cup steel-cut oatmeal made with water and ½ cup fresh blueberries
Lunch
3 oz grilled chicken breast — or fresh turkey breast (no deli meat!) — with ½ cup each of chopped cucumber and tomatoes
Snack
1 cup mixed berries (try raspberries, blueberries or red grapes)
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled salmon with ½ cup steamed broccoli

Wednesday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
Lunch
½ cup each of fresh spinach, beet root, tomatoes and cucumbers, with 2 tsp tahini
Snack
1 snack cup of sugar-free Jell-O
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled chicken breast with ½ cup steamed spinach

Thursday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
Lunch
2 hard-boiled eggs with 4 to 5 celery sticks and 4 to 5 carrot sticks
Dinner
1 cup penne pasta with ½ cup each of steamed spinach and chopped steamed tomatoes

Friday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
Lunch
3 oz fresh turkey breast with ¼ cup each of cucumbers, alfalfa sprouts and beets, plus 1 slice whole-grain bread
Snack
1 cup fresh strawberries
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled sea bass with ½ cup steamed fresh green beans

Saturday
Breakfast
2 poached eggs with 3 slices veggie bacon
Lunch
1 whole-grain wrap with ¼ cup of chopped avocado and ½ cup each of chopped cucumber and tomatoes
Snack
10 to 15 red grapes
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled chicken breast with ½ cup steamed spinach

All I remember from last time was being hungry. All. the. time. But I HAVE to get serious. Summer is just around the corner, and you don’t get to look like Madonna by stuffing your mouth with Girl Scout cookies.

Or anything else apparently.