THIS is an American Idol recap.

Because, why not?

Please welcome your judges! I love Jennifer but she looks a little “twee”, kittens. Randy has ink on his chin, he’s going to be so embarrassed tomorrow. Stephen Tyler is not letting being long in the tooth bother him – he just made it into a necklace.

First up, Casey. The producer told him to chill and be a little more constrained. Unfortunately, he only applied the advice to his hair. He growled his way through the entire song. Stephen loves it, Jennifer says there’s no one else like him on the radio now, which is supposed to be encouraging, and Randy says only Casey can do Casey. Meh. Solid B.

Thea tries to bring the heat. I can’t help feeling like I’m at a really good performing-arts school watching their year-end review. Does this girl have a soul? I think she needs to go out and live a little, make some bad choices, date some older men, get drunk and arrested, THEN try to sing. It might not help, but at least it will make her more relatable. At least to me. Jennifer says she scratched the surface and she’s going to have to pay for that, Randy was glad she’s stepping out, but she needs to dig deeper and move up, and Stephen is good. Him, yes, her – not so much. C.

Here comes Jacob. In a nod to Motown, Jacob is being accompanied by a dead, white guitarist. He actually delivers on this song, prompting Stephen Tyler to rush the stage and sing Hallelujah. Randy says Barry Gordy is saying OMG, and Jennifer says he made us beg for the notes. Ryan invites a group of girls to give him a hug, bringing his lifelong total of female body contact moments to three. He’s not my style, but everyone else seems to love him. A-.

Lauren comes out with confidence, looking like a million dollars. Zebra pelt is expensive! Stephen says she ripped it another beauty mark which makes about as much sense as anything else he’s ever said. Jennifer likes what she’s wearing and her neck movement. Umm, okay. Randy says she’s got her swagger on. Does anyone have anything to say about her singing? I think she’s still missing a spark, but her pitch was great. A-

Give it up for Stephano. He says he grew up listening to Motown then shows a family photo with someone playing the accordion. Stephano proves he can sing. And he proves he can keep his eyes open. He just can’t do them at the same time. Who cares, he sounded great! Jennifer calls him baby and wants to talk, he’s fine, he can sing, now he needs to connect. Randy agrees there’s no emotions. Stephen mumbles something about ramps. Whatever, he had me at hello. A.

Haley is singing You Really Got a Hold on Me. Jimmy Iovine tells her to “go for it.”. Wow, I can see why he’s so good at what he does. Has there ever been a more awkward staircase descent? I like her outfit, and she and Lauren obviously shared the hair straightener beforehand. Randy says the Haley he loved came roaring back YO, Stephen feels Randy and Haley and says she doesn’t look a day over fabulous. Good LORD, does he have a book of these hidden somewhere? I’ve never been one for book burning but I could be persuaded. Jennifer insults Stephen by comparing Haley’s voice to his. I think it’s her strongest performance so far. B+

Scotty brings the country to Motown. I think he’s another contestant that could benefit from a harder life. I like my country singers to look like they’re one DUI away from serious jail time. He sings For Once in My Life and the crowd goes wild. Stephen compares him to the King of Country – Glenn Campbell. Jennifer says it wasn’t his strongest performance, and Randy says he’s taking chances by doing the same thing week after week. I think he’s here for the long haul. B+

Pia sings another ballad. Joy. Well, she LOOKS the part of the star. I also like the fact that she’s one of the older contestants at 22.  See what living a little can do for a person? Jennifer recycles her criticism of Stephano and tells her to stomp around, Randy loves her falsetto but is over the ballad, Stephen checks his cliche book and says she’s the closest star in the American Idol universe. Another A, but if she does a ballad next week I’m dropping her a letter grade on principle.

Paul says Motown music makes him move which is not a good sign. This song is one of my favorites – cause people DO say I’m the life of the party. Randy applauds the lack of dancing and says to bring the tender, Stephen compares him to Dillon and Willy Nelson, his dealers, and Jennifer says he’s the complete package. Ryan says he’s going for the “cougar” vote. It’s working. Love it – A.

Naima goes vintage funk with some serious bell-bottoms, its her most conservative outfit yet. She sounds on-key and in an effort to make Paul look like a good dancer, breaks into an African boogie. Stephen says she’s E to the Z to the Twiddly-dee. Someone needs to edit his comments into a 30 second PSA against drugs. Much more effective than Just Say No. Jennifer says she’s an exciting performer who gave her goose bumps, and Randy is glad ALL of her showed up. My friend, Mantamy, says she’s fearless. I agree – B+

James closes the show with a little Stevie Wonder. He’s finally found a song where screaming is appropriate. Jennifer says OMG over and over, and tells him he leaves her speechless which as we just saw is not true. Randy says the beginning was rough but it ended up being unbelievable. Stephen says it takes a little bit of crazy to make a difference in this world which could be debunked with one visit to my parent’s house. I think if I liked it, rock and rollers must be voting their fingers to the nub. Another A.

So either JD slipped some Paxil into my potatoes, or everyone really stepped up their game this week.

Bottom three – Thea, Naima and Haley, cause life ain’t fair. But I’d send Jacob home. He bores me.

What do you think?