Six down, Five to go.

Sheryl Crow steps in as the Assistant Mentor this week. Let’s hope she’s better than Will. I. Am.  James is singing Closer to the Edge by 30 Seconds to Mars. Jarad Leto’s band. Exactly. He sounded great with Sheryl, but onstage? Not so much. And I hate it when men in sleeveless shirt raise their arms exposing grodie underarm hair. Yes, I’m twelve, what about it? I thought it was boring. Stephen says he kicked its @$#, JLo says he’s ready for stadiums, and Randy says something, but to be honest, I zoned out. More importantly, my MOTHER says it was good. Blah, blah, blah – solid B.

Here comes Jacob. He’s singing a Jordon Sparks song, really? Three seconds in, my Aunt Fay asks, “Is every one of them gay?” She’s never seen an episode of AI, but the girl has my vote to replace Stephen. No one in my house likes anything about his performance. JLo says he has great showmanship, but his song choices are inconsistent, Randy says he’s one of the greatest singers on the stage but it was sharp and corny, and Stephen says he needs to find his niche. I hope by “niche” he means “exit”. My vote, D.

Lauren decides to sing Carrie Underwood. Carrie UNDERWOOD. Mom says it may be good, but she doesn’t like it. Then she yelled at the TV, “She’s in it to win it!” My living room is way more entertaining than AI tonight. Stephen says something, and JLo says she ate it up. Not what a chubby girl wants to hear. Despite the opinions of those around me, I’m giving her an A-.

“Who’s that guy in the long hair?”  I REALLY think my Aunt Fay needs her own blog.

Scotty is singing one of my favorite country songs by Montgomery-Gentry.  The Zollicoffer visitors liked it, Stephen said he danced with the devil, JLo said he owned the stage, Randy said he felt like he was sitting at Scotty’s concert, and the ubiquitous “HIITWI.” If anyone is playing a drinking game around that phrase, they’re half lit by now. I think there are better karaoke renditions all across America every Saturday nights. Average at best – C.

Haley is doing a Lada GaGa song called You and I. Singing an unreleased song is risky, but it’s PERFECT for her. I LOVED it. JLo slams her, Randy calls it too risky and DOESN’T say she’s in it to win it, dang I was going to do a shot, and Stephen says she sang great. Let’s see, Jimmy tells her to sing a song that no one knows, and the judges trash her. Is it me or is AI trying to get rid of Haley? I smell a conspiracy. Best of the night so far! A plus and I’m going to vote for the first time just cause they aggravate the snot out of me.

James has a breakdown so we are spared Jimmy and Sheryl’s mentoring. It has it’s moments, but most of them were bad. I really hate the judges. Haley kicks butt and they can’t say anything good, but James was “emotionally perfect.” What the WHAT? I’m emotionally perfect, can someone give ME a record contract? C MINUS cause the judges suck.

Jacob’s 2nd song is Love Hurts by Nazareth. Sheryl shows him and the rest of us how it SHOULD be done. I’m not optimistic. Better than his first song, but still not loving it. Stephen says he got lost in the song, JLo says he brought it home, and Randy says it was very nice. At least I think that’s what they said, my ears are bleeding. B- cause I’m feeling generous.

Unchained Melody is Lauren’s 2nd choice. I dig the retro hair and dress but the song is ssllloooowwww. JD hates the dress, my mom says she’s dragging it out, and Aunt Fay is wondering if we have Dancing with the Stars tivo’d. JLo keeps it short and sweet and says it was beautiful, Randy says she sings like a bird, and Stephen says he could listen to her all night. They all agree “there’s nothing to judge.” Then maybe the three of you could go the heck home! Fine, but nothing to get all excited about. Solid B.

Scotty does You Were Always On My Mind. Man, I miss Elvis Presley. And Willy Nelson. Scotty always makes me thing of all the OTHER people who sing way better than him. I’m outvoted. Aunt Fay wakes up to ask, “Who’s that guy? I like him.” Mom grabs the phone and actually votes, JD says it was a great song choice. Do I even have to listen to the judges? JLo calls him well-rounded, (say WHAT?), Randy loved it, and Stephen says America loves his voice. Ahhh, look at his sweet grandmother. I won’t be sucked into the Scotty vortex no matter how cute she is. Solid B for BLAH.

Okay, back to Haley and House of the Rising Sun. I think the idea of starting off acapella is a good one, but again, I’m in the minority. Aunt Fay asks, “Isn’t she just hollering?”, then adds “I didn’t like it at all, but what do I know?” JD says the growls are disingineous, and Mom agrees with them. What the HECK? The judges actually like it! Randy says it’s the best performance of the night, Stephen orders sweet and sour chicken, and JLo says she used her anger to a great performance.  Another A for Haley.

Best for me, Haley and Lauren. Worst, Jacob and Scotty. Surely Jacob’s luck has run out. But as Aunt Fay says, “What do I know?”