I’m watching American Idol and since I have the voice of an angel, I feel uniquely qualified to comment on each contestant.
1. Naima. What’s the tune got to do with it, got to do with it? I was working at Mainstreet, wearing little black boots and pretending to be Madonna in 1984. Good times. What is she wearing? Off key and annoying.
2. Paul McDonald. I love you, Paul, but for the love of God, please stop dancing. You look like Barry Manilow on crack.
3. Thea- She’s beautiful and has a great voice, but is she 15 or 49? Liven it UP, Sister.
4. Yellie McScreamer. Uh, not my cup of Jack Daniels.
5. Haley. Yawn.
6. Stefano – I like cute Italians and he’s got a good voice, but he reminds me of frat boys from the college days. And I’ve never forgiven you Sigma Chi!
7. Pia -I’m sorry, were you singing? I was distracted by the satin, harem/jumpsuit thing you were wearing that managed to make you look three months pregnant. Your stylist is gay and wants you to fail. Seriously. I’m sure he’s hiding in a dressing room and voting for Stefano right now.
8. Scotty -I love Travis Tritt. He’s no Travis Tritt. But if I were 16, and still living in Zollicoffer, I’d probably be blowing kisses at the TV and writing our initials on my notebook.
9. Karen. I hope love will lead me back to when you first began singing and I can fast forward to the next singer. And singer has a soft G, not a HARD G.
10. Casey. I can’t hear that song without thinking of the one who did it best – Weird Al Yankovic. Bring back the stand-up bass. Man, I’m like Casey’s bowels tonight. Irritable.
11. Laura. Better than last week, but not great. When are you going to bring it? I don’t pour my heart and soul into Wednesday nights for you to phone it in!
12. Jacob. Sigh. At this point, I’d rather hear Jennifer Lopez sing some Selena.
I miss Simon.