Moron Test Kitchen – Broccoli Salad


When I got engaged, my mother-in-law and her bridge friends hosted a shower for me. The ladies brought their favorite recipes  and put them together in this book. It was a very sweet gesture, assuming the guest of honor is remotely comfortable in the kitchen. Unfortunately, in almost 13 years, I’ve only cooked one – an easy breakfast casserole that my mother-in-law contributed. Note the word “easy.” 

This is an example of what they brought –


If the first instruction is “Clean Squid”, you can pretty much rest assured I’m not cooking it. It’s a testament to my mother-in-law that she didn’t rat me out for the shower. Had she TOLD them the truth about me, I’m guessing the recipes would have gone something like this:

Take 2 slices of bread. Put jelly on one side. Put peanut butter on the other. Put the slices together. NO, not the two empty sides, the ones with the jelly and peanut butter. Geesh.

Anyway, I chose this recipe –


Because it was short. Thank you Barbara, whoever you are.

So, we need 4 cups of broccoli.


raisinsNext add 1/4 cup of raisins and 1/2 cup of onion.


1 cup of Mayo. Yeah, yeah, I went with the lite version. Use the real stuff if it offends you, but I want to cut calories anywhere I can.


1/4 cup of sugar. What can I say? I’m training for a triathlon! I used a little less than 1/4 cup to allow for the Splenda.


2 T of vinegar. I just took a chance that T means tablespoon, but who knows? It could be anything from a tad to a ton. Write your recipes clearly, people! You can’t tell that this is vinegar from the photo. It could be water for all you know. Or vodka. You have your way, I have mine.

Cook 8 strips of bacon and crumple. I don’t have pictures of this step because I got distracted by the internet and JD cooked them. Which is why there are also no photos of a grease fire.

Now the recipe says combine. A more experienced chef might have combined the mayo, sugar and vinegar together FIRST, then poured it over the broccoli. I didn’t realize that until I was in the middle of stirring, and trying to get the mayo and sugar to coat the broccoli evenly. Do you see how writing clear instructions would help?


Moron Test Grade – A. Despite my substitutions, this turned out great. In a word -BACON. If I only made recipes where bacon was the main ingredient, there might not be a need for Moron Test Kitchen.


I think I’m on to something.



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