Feel better about your own stupidity

You’d think that a woman who’s main hobbies include playing bridge and cutting coupons could stay out of trouble. You’d be wrong.


A sad but true fact – I cannot get by with anything. I don’t have any bluffing or spy skills. I ALWAYS get caught. Here’s an example. A few years ago, I worked downtown for a venom-spewing boss. He was a real screamer and made people cry on a daily basis. So one day I was in my office whispering into the phone with an employee from another department. I was going ON and ON about how terrible he was, and that he made so-and-so cry, and he’s just HORRID, blah, blah, BLAH. Suddenly, one of the staff rushes into my office. Seems that I was on the INTERCOM the whole time! Fun times.

But of course I’ve learned my lesson and always stay out of trouble. HAHAHA. Just kidding.

My brother called me last week to tell me that his subdivision was having a community-wide yard sale. And even better, there was a Friday night “preview” for people that lived in the neighborhood. Uh…small issue, I don’t actually LIVE in his neighborhood. No problem, he said, if anyone asks, just give them my address. So basically, all that follows is HIS fault.

Now I’m sure that all of YOU would be listening to that voice in your head that’s saying, “that would be a LIE, and LYING is one of the big 10.” You know what was going through MY head? It went something like this, “WHOO HOO, FIRST DIBS”. So off I went, dragging my friend Jeanette with me.

Because I stink at subterfuge, and am basically paranoid, I had a plan in case a yard sale Nazi asked if we were, in fact, residents. Since the subdivision is divided into two neighborhoods, if while in Section A, someone asked, I’d give them my brother’s address as planned. BUT if I was in HIS subdivision, I’d say I lived in the other section. The theory being that I wouldn’t run into anyone who lived on the same street and wanted to discuss our neighbors or stray dogs, or babysitting woes. Jeanette was playing the part of the resident’s friend.

All went well in the first section, good sales and no questions. Then we went into my brother’s neighborhood. There I was, happily going through a treasure trove of educational books, when the lady having the sale asked, “Do you live in this neighborhood?’

This is the part where I can A) answer truthfully like a normal person, or B) answer that I live in the other subdivision. So what do I do?

C). Look all deer-in-headlights, freak out and  blurt, “Yes, NEXT DOOR!” What the heck? That wasn’t part of the plan! Of course she looks taken aback, after all I’m sure she knows her NEIGHBORS. “Next door?” She repeats.  I can practically see the question marks floating above her head. So now I’m panicking, and can feel my face getting hot. I point vaguely over my shoulder in the general direction of the other subdivision, whose name I’ve FORGOTTEN, and mumble, “the OTHER one.”

I’m such a bad liar. It’s OBVIOUS that I’m telling a big one or else am a complete idiot, so I put my head down and rummage faster through the books. I mean, so what? It’s not like she’s gonna call the police on me. I’m sure I’ll never see her again.

Jeanette,  enamored with all of the cool educational games,  decides to ask the woman if she’s a home-schooler. She says she WAS, but now she’s a teacher. At my DAUGHTER’S school! Her very small school.

Now I REALLY want to leave. But I’ve never seen this teacher before, maybe she teaches the older kids, on the days we’re not there. Jeanette offers that OUR girls go there too, how AWESOME!  Now she’s very interested in us. “What grade are your children going to be in?”  Second, we answer.


Wow. Yes, I’ve just met and LIED to Rachel’s future 2nd grade teacher! Groan. Anyway, we ended up talking at length, about our children, their names, the whole deal. There is ZERO chance she’ll forget me.  So I have two choices. I can either see her at the first day of school and confess, OR move to her subdivision. I think we both know what I’m going to do.

Does anyone know a good realtor?

Need a little more irony? In my haste to get away, I grabbed several card games. Turns out one is to help learn The 10 Commandments. God is so NOT funny.

2 thoughts on “Feel better about your own stupidity

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