MoonPie: Mom? Why aren’t you answering me?

MoonPie: MOM? WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING ME?

MoonPie: MOM!

Me: Huh? What?

MoonPie: Why aren’t you answering me?

Me: Does the fact that I’m lying horizontally in a bed with my eyes closed give you a clue?

For a homeschooled kid, she can be awfully unobservant.

On my back porch, early morning:

JD: You look beautiful this morning.

Me: I’m SURE I do.

JD: No really, I wish I had my camera.

Me: So, go get it. I want to see just how lovely I look.

JD: Seriously?  Ok, wait here.

(Goes to get camera. Shoots several pictures.)

Me: OK, let me see them.

JD: You mean now? But they haven’t been processed.

Me:  “PROCESSED”? You mean like Photoshop? I thought you said I looked BEAUTIFUL.

JD: Well, you know. I look at the whole picture.

Me:  You are so beautiful.

MP:  Yeah, I am.

Me: Hahahaha

MP: I didn’t mean to say that. I meant to say, “You can say that again.”

Me: I looked at the plane’s seat assignment. I’m on the aisle.

JD: That’s good, but the window is better if you crash.

Me: WHAT?

JD: If you crash out, the window is better.

Me: Why do you think I’m going to CRASH?

JD: Oh. Perhaps I should have said “sleep” instead.

Me: Ya think?

Bedtime for the MoonPie

MP: Goodnight.

Me: Why are you sleeping in your glasses? Are you trying to see your dreams better?

MP: BAHAHAHAHAHAHBAHA

Me: BuhHAHAhAHAHAHAH

MP: I’m getting up. I HAVE to tell Daddy.

A few minutes later.

MP: Hmmph. He didn’t laugh at all.

Me: Some people have no sense of humor.

Me: Did you get in trouble for being 30 minutes late for school today?

MoonPie: No, I told my teacher that it was all Daddy’s fault.

Me: What did she say?

MoonPie: She gave Daddy her mean face. You know that face you made when you found out we hadn’t done any of our homework? It was like that.

Me: What does my mean face look like?

In Publix:

MoonPie: Can I have a bag of candy?

Me: No.

MP: Can I have a bag of candy?

Me: No.

MP: Can I have a bag of candy?

Me: Stop asking me that question.

MP: But you won’t answer me!

Junior Cadette (about 15, earning her badge by teaching the young ones): Today we’re going to learn about respect. Being a good listener shows respect, so let’s play the Telephone Game!

Brownies: Yea!

JC: Okay, listen carefully.  (whispering into the first Brownie’s ear) Shmushu wisthssu shimttislg

Brownie 1: Huh?

Brownie 2: What?

Brownie 3 -8: Huh? smuch wichcie idkdle What?

JC: Okay, you’re the last one, tell us what you heard.

Brownie shaking her head: No

JC: Oh, come on. Tell everyone the word.

Brownie: Well, okay.  HORNY!

JC: Uh. Wow. That was so NOT what I said.

JD: Your passport came in.

Me: Oh, good.

JD: Your picture is TERRIBLE. What were you thinking?

Me: Hmmm. I guess I was thinking,  “I REALLY wish my husband had listened to me when I told him SEVERAL times that I didn’t think the picture he gave me would work, instead of telling me to just go ahead, resulting in me having a skanky photo taken in the post office which will live with me for TEN YEARS.”

JD: OhhKaaaay.  So, want to go out to eat?

Me: I can’t believe you’re eight. You’ll be twelve, then sixteen, then going off to college and getting married. You’re going to leave me and I can’t take it!

MP: Mama. I’m not going to leave you. I’m not going to get married, and I want to be HOME-colleged. You and dad can teach me.

Me: Really? You won’t move off and live with Brooke and Jemi, and get your own apartment, and drive around town and stay up late?

MP: Oh. You made that sound really fun. I guess I will.