And Then There was Tuesday

Is there a universal law that says Mondays have to stink? Cause mine did, so no need to ticket me, Officer, it was rank. Well, at least I thought it was until I started cataloging all of the bad things in my head and one was, “and my dishwasher doesn’t work”, and I realized maybe I ought to shut it before God REALLY gives me something to cry about.

So let’s just skip Monday on this update because my weekend was quite nice. I started feeling better and on Saturday, JD and Moon were out of the house so I caught up on work. It’s nice every now and then to have peace and quiet around the house. Once they got back, we went to AmmoGuy’s house to pick up the cousin, which always makes for a nice evening. Two pre-teen girls can find a LOT to talk about, and they don’t need you around supervising, so just go back to your Netflix!

On Sunday we met some friends for church and then they treated us all to Houston’s for lunch. Really, can I pick friends or what?   After lunch, we went back to AmmoGuy’s and ate again. It was a day of culinary delight and the only thing that would have made it better is if they had done it two weeks ago when I was actually eating food. That would have been awesome.

But the juice/raw/cooked veggie diet continues. I’m doing 10%/80%/10% because that’s the mathematical formula most likely to yield results. And by “results”, I mean “no violence.”

It’s Not You, it’s Me.

Dear Blog,

When we first started this relationship, I admit, I was excited. I enjoyed seeing you everyday. We had so much to talk about! Knowing I would meet with you at the end of the day made me look at the world differently. But then, something changed. I don’t know, who can say who started it, but suddenly we didn’t have much to say. We’d stare at each other over dinner, barely speaking. Surely you’ve noticed. Oh, we tried to hide it behind funny videos and links, but we both know the truth. We’d lost interest. I know every relationship goes through this, but I somehow thought we were different. So where do we go from here? I think we both need to take a long, hard look at what we’ve got and decide if we should continue. Going through the motions doesn’t help anyone.

Ask Demi and Ashton.

Friday Randomness

Because I’m too tired to tie these together.

1. I saw a toilet online today that cost SIX THOUSAND dollars. It’s worth it, if just for the lid that raises and closes on its own.

2. Lots of people tell me to watch HOUSE because the main guy has my sense of humor. I finally watched an episode.

Hey, he IS funny.

3. I spend a considerable amount of time thinking of what I’m going to wear when I’m skinny.

Right now I’m going with jeans and a shirt. There’s a reason this isn’t a fashion blog.

4. Thanksgiving is around the corner and this year the turkeys aren’t taking it lying down.

5. The juice/raw diet is going great! I’ve lost almost 5 pounds since Monday. So what if I’m a little irritable? I saw Mantamy yesterday and she implored me to eat some sugar. I said, “ARGH” and bit her head off. Low-fat and yummy!

Running Out of Juice

This has not been the best of days for Team Tyre. JD is a professional faster, as in the dude can go a week on just water. So when he mentioned doing a juice fast, I thought, why not. Why NOT? How about crushing headaches for starters? Day one was fine, I was a little hungry and not loving the green juice, but not bad. Then the headache began. I spent most of yesterday laying on the couch with the lights off. Today was a little better, but I’m still not feeling great. JD, on the other hand, has QUIT. Yes, the King of Fasting has left me on my own. He started feeling bad yesterday with a head cold, and spent TODAY in bed. This diet is awesome.

Still, I refuse to give up. One of the reboot programs calls for only eating raw and cooked veggies and fruits. How easy is that? So I’ve been juicing two meals a day, and eating a salad for dinner. Crazy? Well, let’s put it this way. On the morning of the THIRD day, I’d lost two pounds. TWO. And I’m not hungry at all. Who can eat with a pounding head?

Despite feeling terrible, JD and I wanted to celebrate the 15th so we asked Moon where we should go. She picked the highest caliber restaurant she could think of – O’Charleys. She had 47 rolls, chicken and french fries, JD had 47 rolls, soup and salmon. I had a plain baked potato and a house salad with oil and vinegar. I think we know who puts the hard work into this marriage.

On the way home, Moon was discussing the possibility of us reaching our 5oth one day. But she assured us that if we DID decide to divorce, she’d be okay with it. “I mean, I’d probably be sad for a week or two, but I’m sure I could deal with it.” I blame her friend with the dad who lives on a houseboat. I’m due to go out of town for a weekend in December, so I told her she and JD could pretend we were divorced. I plan on taking all of his money and turning off the water before I go. This diet might be making me mean. Just as long as it’s making me skinny.

There’s No Juice in Kale

You thought I was kidding about the whole juicing thing? Well, you don’t know me very well. If there’s ONE thing I want more than anything, it’s to be healthy. And by “healthy”, I obviously mean skinny.

JD made the first batch of Mean Green. We needed to drink 16 ounces each so we used 8 stalks of celery, a piece of ginger, 1 cucumber, 1 lemon, 6 apples, 2 carrots and a whole bunch of kale.

Trust me, it looks better than it tastes. But I got my glass down and felt fairly good about the whole thing. Until JD explained that TWO glasses made 16 ounces. Awesome.

At least it was filling. I didn’t get hungry again until late afternoon, at which point I made a NORMAL juicy drink of apples and lemon. After the dirt drink from before, it actually tasted good.

Then I made BBQ pork chops for Moon while JD and I had another round of kale. That’s my daughter, wondering how she got such smart parents.

If you’re interested in “detoxing” your body, check out the website at Believe it not, some of the recipes actually sound decent. But then again, I just drank what tasted like the bottom of a farmer’s shoe, so anything sounds good at this point.

7 Things I’m Thinking About

1. Last Saturday I had planned to paint, but we finished on Friday. So instead of just being happy with my free time, I made the entire family go shopping. How’d that work out? Let’s put it this way, we started by looking for rugs and ended at the liquor store.

2. I don’t know why, but at some point today I googled my name and then hit “Images”. The first photo that came up that was actually ME, was this:

I will forever be associated with bridge. And cool fashion.

3. Last night, my daughter gave me some advice after out prayer time. “Mom, you should stop and listen every now and then when your praying in case the Lord has something to say.” SWEET. Then she added. “He can’t get through with  you blabbering on and on.”

4. I was helping Moon with school work and googled “forget-me-not” to see a picture of the flowers and found, and I’m not making this up, PANTIES with GPS and a heart and temperature monitor so you can know what your woman is doing when you’re not around!

5. Turns out the website is a hoax, put on by women to prove a point. I believe the point is that we use google too much, but I could be wrong.

6. THIS guy does not have time to google.

7. Moon has a Girl Scouts meeting today and I’m pretty sure they spend their time there trying to think of ways to kill me. Last weekend as we prepared to paint, we moved a big piece of furniture out from the wall. Which is when I remembered LAST YEAR’S Girl Scout meeting where they gave the kids pieces of food and told them to hide them someplace dark to watch the germs grow.

That ought to be good for an awesome patch, amiright?

Walking and Talking with Team Tyre

The Team Tyre weekly, bipedal ambulation continues! Last week I walked FOUR times. In one week!!! Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. And this week, we’ve already gone twice. Couple that with my decreased caloric intake and you get – ONE POUND GAINED.

It’s enough to make a lesser woman cuss.

One of the nice things about walking is the quality time with JD. Even though we both work from home, we rarely speak. What? He’s downstairs and I’m upstairs. If we need to communicate we  do it like normal people – through texting. But in the hour it takes us to walk our three miles, we go old school, and use our actual voices. The weather has been chilly, but we’ve managed to walk anyway. And even though there are a lot of people around, they tend to leave us alone.

I think they’re intimidated by how cool we are. We get that a lot.

They call it Moron Test Kitchen for a Reason

My sweet, friend Patty is a good cook, so when she starts talking about “easy” recipes, I should know better than to believe her. Good cooks think EVERYTHING is easy.

This is what she said. “Melt a large Hershey’s bar, you know, the big ones? Melt it, let it cool a little bit, mix it with a container of Cool Whip, put it in a chocolate pie crust, FREEZE it, then take it out of the freezer, let it get a little soft and eat it. Oh, and you can put some more whipped topping on top if you want.” See what I mean? IMPOSSIBLE.

First of all, I couldn’t find the big Hershey’s bars. I had no idea how big it actually was, so I bought a 6-pack of the smaller ones figuring it had to be close. Unfortunately, I got the bars with almonds. Sigh.

Patty didn’t mention if I was supposed to use a small container of Cool Whip or a LARGE container, so I bought two small ones. And I went cheap and light, getting the 99 cent, low-fat version.

Then I melted five chocolate bars JUST LIKE Patty had said. But JD came through at about then and asked why I wasn’t using a double broiler like everyone knows is the PROPER way to melt chocolate. It’s like Patty WANTED me to fail, amiright?

Let’s face it, Kittens, this isn’t looking that great. This is the step you can skip. I call it – “Mashing the Chocolate to Remove The Almonds” step.

Now you mix the chocolate with the Cool Whip. I used one small container. Which means you should probably use two.

See? My pie crust is not full. Who doesn’t love a big mouth full of crust when you’re eating a pie? Maybe it will fluff up in the freezer!

Oh look, it did! As far as you can tell.

Moron Test Score – B. Everyone loved it, and it was light and tasty. Even with the almond removal problem, it was easy to make. But that light, off-brand whipped topping took us down a letter grade.

I blame Patty. Kittens, if she had wanted me to succeed, she would have given me clearer instructions. Something along the lines of, “stay out of the kitchen,” might have worked nicely.