What Not to Wear

Me: Look what I bought, Honey. It’s IZOD, on sale.

JD: Uh…

Me: It looks better on. Wait a second.


Me: You don’t like it?

JD: You look like a clown. All it’s missing is the big fuzzy buttons down the front.

Me: A fat clown or a skinny clown?

JD: (See photo above.)

Me: I’ll go change.

Two Weeks

The mid-term elections are in 14 days and I wanted to give you some voting advice – rock it old school.

Growing up, my mother refused to let me leave the house on election day. She claimed everyone was drinking. I remember watching the election returns on TV and thinking one thing –

This is soooo boring. Of COURSE they’re drinking.

I guess that was two things. Anyway, then I got old. Now I’m looking forward to casting my vote, letting my voice be heard, exercising my rights as an American citizen. And drinking.

I’m ready to celebrate like they used to when I was a kid. BE the people my mother warned me about. Lock up the kids – tell the teenagers to clear the streets – it’s ELECTION night!

Mom: People weren’t celebrating. They used to give people liquor to get their vote.

People will give you liquor to get you to VOTE? Even better!

Nathan Deal? Roy Barnes? Meet me at the polling place. First one there with vodka gets my vote. Hey, I’ve based my voting on less. Anyone remember Ross Perot?

Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me.

That’s a Hee Haw reference, by the way, for those of you who didn’t grow up in Zolicoffer. I’m sick. Cracked, runny nose, throbbing head, aggravated sneezing sick. I blame public school. The MoonPie isn’t actually sick herself, but I’m sure some germ-riddled munchkin licked her lunchbox, which I then HANDLED. Stranger things have happened.

I’m reserving my final thoughts on Public School vs. Home School until the year is out, but today we had a Parent/Teacher conference. It was only my second. The first one was when MP was in Kindergarten and I had to listen to the teacher complain how poor my daughter’s handwriting was. She was in KINDERGARTEN. Personally, I thought if she could hold the pencil without poking herself in the eye, she was good to go.

AnyWAY. The conference went well. MP is doing great, making friends, learning a lot. At least I think so. I took a bunch of drugs before I went in and barely remember. I wish I’d thought of that when she was in kindergarten. It would have saved MP a lot of handwriting exercises.

Young Fan(atic)s

The MoonPie had a few overnight guests this weekend. Three boys, twins – age 7 and their younger brother who’s 5, hung out with us while their mother, Carolyn, was out gallivanting. And by gallivanting I mean on a date with their dad. The boys are very sweet, good listeners and dress themselves with no need for adult supervision. I’m not sure how Carolyn accomplished this but I think she used an old-fashion tool called, “discipline”. I may look that up sometime.

My plan for the evening was simple – popcorn and a movie.

Me: What do you guys want to watch?

Caleb: Star Wars! The one where Annikin gets turned into Darth Vader. I like it when he falls into the lava.

Me: Um, I think that one’s kinda violent.

MoonPie: Mom, I’ve seen it like a HUNDRED times.

Caleb: If someone tried to push me into lava I’d punch him in the face.

Gray: If someone tried to push ME into lava I’d kick him in the wee-wee.

Me: See, too violent.

MoonPie: But we LIKE violence. Begins chanting, “Violence, Violence, Violence”!

Everyone chimes in- “VIOLENCE, VIOLENCE, VIOLENCE!”

I put in the movie. I wasn’t taken a chance. That wee-wee kicking sounded pretty scary.

Go Team Tyre! Go Team Tyre!

A few days ago I blogged about a photography competition in which MoonPie was participating. This morning I went to the Awards Ceremony. I didn’t make a big deal about it, in fact, I didn’t even tell MP I was coming. You see, I fully expected her to lose. NOT because she didn’t have the best photograph, cause she so DID, but because you never know about people and their judgement skills. For all I knew she’d have a judge like my mother who thinks the best pictures always include a cat.

Not to worry. MP rocked it! 1st place in her grade  and on to the next level where she competes against other schools in the county.

Here she is with her principal. I might have panicked and forgot to focus. Or they might have moved. Yeah, I’m sure they moved.

All of the participants. Good job everyone! Except that one kid who won like THREE times. Easy, Champ. Leave some for the rest of us.

The winner! She might have been proud. She might have been embarrassed. I might have yelled Go Team Tyre really loud.

And without further ado – the awesome, winning photograph –

Signed copies will be available for a small fee.

Say What?

From some goober in the UK:

Marr, the BBC’s former political editor who now presents BBC1’s flagship Sunday morning show, said: “Most citizen journalism strikes me as nothing to do with journalism at all.

“A lot of bloggers seem to be socially inadequate, pimpled, single, slightly seedy, bald, cauliflower-nosed young men sitting in their mother’s basements and ranting. They are very angry people,” he told the Cheltenham Literary Festival. “OK – the country is full of very angry people. Many of us are angry people at times. Some of us are angry and drunk”.

Ridiculous! I’m almost never angry AND drunk. I may sue. I’m going to sip my wine very slowly this morning and mull my options.

Advil, where for art thou Advil?

I was lamenting to a friend of mine about my busy week. Lamenting sounds so much better than complaining, doesn’t it? Anyway, I was going on and on about my crazy work schedule, the weekend events that will keep me hopping from Friday night until late Sunday, school, church, house, work, blah, blah, BLAH. She said,

“It sounds like your usual schedule.”

Ouch. JD says I should learn to say, “no” every now and then. But it’s all stuff I WANT to do. Besides, I could do it all with a smile if I didn’t have this darn headache.

This is day 4 with an aching back, stiff neck and pounding head. I blame JD. See, last weekend he wanted to go on an adventure. So we drove up to North Georgia and went sky-diving. I didn’t mention it before because I knew my mother would be all upset and everyone would want to see pictures, and frankly, I just don’t have the time to download my photos. It was all going fine, but when the chute opened, it jerked me really hard, and I’ve been paying the price every since.

JD says it wasn’t the skydiving at all. He thinks I slept on a big pillow. Either that or too much time sitting on the couch hunched over my computer.

What kind of octogenarian gets hurt sleeping? Whatever. I just hope I feel better by the weekend. Kayaks don’t paddle themselves!

Something has to give..

and I think it’s my zipper. I have been dieting for approximately 3,782 days and have lost almost zero pounds. I don’t know what the problem is – I eat whatever I want and do no exercise. What is it going to take?? The other day I was complaining to a friend that I really, REALLY wanted to be skinny.

She: You’re beautiful.

Me: That’s not skinny.

She: You’re not fat.

Me: I notice you didn’t say I was skinny.

She: Who wants to be skinny anyway?

Sigh. I know it’s annoying to hear someone constantly complain about their weight, but it could be worse. I could SHOW you how I look. Then you’d be sorry.

Are you secretly judging me because I’m squishy? Being judgemental is wrong. I know because the other day I saw this lady at a conference and she was wearing the most ridiculous shoes I’ve seen on a real live human being and I was thinking, ‘You clearly can’t be trusted with anything important”. I was wearing very sensible black shoes I’d obtained at a yard sale for a dollar, OBVIOUSLY, a wiser, more respectable choice.

Hers were kinda like this. And don’t be giving me grief and saying they’re cute. They are ridiculous. Of course I would have totally worn them back in the day. Back in the day when I was single.

Today is my wedding anniversary – 14 years. So to recap, I’m a heavy-set, old married woman who wears sensible shoes.

My husband is a lucky man. And by lucky, I mean despondent. Pray for him.

Weekend Update

This weekend passed in a blur, an exhausting whirlwind that drove me to my bed by nine o’clock every evening. Working backwards –

Sunday evening – JD and I attend a seminar.

Sunday afternoon – We go to a church picnic.

Sunday morning – Attend BOTH services of church and have lunch with friends.

Saturday  afternoon – Church sponsored music festival on the square.

Saturday 7 a.m. to afternoon – Best Yard Sale of the year nets 50 bucks.

Friday 6 – 9 p.m. School holds a fall festival and we take –

these two who do a little of this –

and some of this –

then they decided to try this –

which was great and then they…hey, what’s THAT?

I think the weekend took it’s toll on us all.