It’s not that I don’t LIKE subdivisions – I’d love a nice house with tennis court/swimming pool accessibility – but I know my limitations. I’d get three snarky letters the first week saying A) kudzu is not acceptable ground cover, B) leaves don’t qualify as yard art, and C) my dogs must be euthanized.
My brother is the only one that has even attempted to live in a “planned community”. Turns out, not ONLY do you get personal letters from the homeowner’s association, but you’re included in every mass email pertaining to the neighborhood. Below are two letters my brother received, along with his response.
I would like to take this opportunity to let whoever owns a yellow cat around the Franklin Court area, please be advised that it needs to be put up. Sorry I don’t have more of a description, but that’s all I can get as it scurries away very quickly upon my going outside.
This cat is causing damage to my property, namely, leaving scratches on my expensive car and digging up our flower beds.
If it is not claimed in the next couple of days, I will have no choice but to contact animal control and have it picked up.
Please understand that I don’t want to do this to anyone’s pet, but I don’t think I am the only one that would NOT tolerate damage to property.
The frequency of these animal emails has inspired me to round up several volunteers to police the subdivision for unruly pets. We are committed to a zero tolerance policy. Dogs will be allowed one bark per day, upon the 2nd bark they will be tased. If they resist, they will be tased again. If the animal continues to bark despite being repeatedly tased it will be shot in the head with a single .45 acp. round. Survivors will then be fitted with an anti-barking collar. Any protest from the owner will be met with (you guessed it) a taser.
Cats will be dealt with in a similar fashion. The only exception being that all cats will be shot on site. Cats can poo indoors people. There is no reason for it to be outside.
Wild animals will only be permitted to move about from sunrise to sunset. Any animal seen moving after curfew will be DRT (dropped right there). Any birds caught chirping after sunset will have to deal with 1 1/8 ounces of lead shot approaching at a velocity of 1145 feet per second. We do not expect any repeat violations.
Due to the new neighborhood rules it is strongly recommended children refrain from dressing as any sort of animal this Halloween. Also Christmas and Easter may be canceled this year due to rules violations.
Subject: Update on thefts from Neighborhood Watch
Megan, please send the following update:
If anyone sees unknown people walking in driveways at night please call 911 and describe the problem. We do have some residents who walk their dogs at night and some runners who enjoy the night air.
Also it is also important to know if someone follows your car through the gates at night. Personally, if I do not know the car behind me at night I press my flasher button and enter slowly so as not to allow a car to follow through. A new idea . . . if the car following also presses their hazard flasher that will identify a resident of our community and both cars can pass through the gates without a problem. Thank you for your vigilance.
Personally, if I do not recognize the vehicle behind me, I put my car in first gear, open the car door and stealthily roll out as it slowly rolls thru the gate. I then utilize existing ground cover for maximum concealment as I blade at a 45 degree angle to the unidentified car with my Glock 19 in one hand and a 300,000 candlepower flashlight in the other. Then, using my tactical advantage, I pop up at the driver’s side window screaming “DISENGAGE, DISENGAGE!!!!! YOU WILL NOT ENTER MY SUBDIVISION!!” while blinding the driver with the flashlight and keeping them covered with the 9mm. If they can produce an ID or a utility bill with an address in the subdivision I allow them to proceed. All others are turned away with extreme prejudice.
But that’s just me………….. some sort of secret flasher code might work too I guess.
I give them another nine months.