I think my last 3 posts are longer than the previous 30, combined. Oh well, today’s will be short because I didn’t almost die OR make a game winning shot. It was, in a word, normal.

But Moon said something that stuck with me. We were walking outside and spotted some deer in our backyard. I was reminded of the photo I’d seen on Facebook of a tween with her first deer, a dead deer. I asked Moon if she’d ever be interested in hunting and she said, “I like to eat venison, but I don’t want to kill it.”

This is how I feel about pretty much everything. I want a nice house, but I don’t want to clean it. I want to be fit, but I don’t want to exercise. I want to go to WalMart, but I don’t want to shower.

Is this what, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” means?

It sounds so simple when it’s put that way. I’d love to help, I’m just so tired. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak! Ha. Maybe next time.

I looked up the same verse in The Message.

There is a part of you that is eager, ready for anything in God. But there’s another part that’s as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire.

Ouch. Now I know why a lot of churches only use the King James Version!

Woof.

I went to church on Sunday because I am uber-holy, and also because I’ve missed like four of the last five weeks and was pretty sure they were about to kick me out. During the sermon, our pastor mentioned that people are blessed when times are hard because that’s when they rely more heavily on Jesus and not themselves. Which is so true- like this weekend when I almost died.

I should probably start at the beginning.

I have this friend. Let’s call her Mantamy. Mantamy is one of the people that inspire you to do great things. And by “great”, I mean “insane.” If you ever read in the paper that I’ve died by bungee jumping off the Space Needle or hand-feeding a tiger, you can be sure it was probably Mantamy’s idea. She’s the one who got me to go to India despite the fact that I hate traveling or flying or generally anything that involves leaving my couch. But a couple of weeks ago, she invited me and three other girls to a weekend at her beach house, and I thought “Now THIS sounds like a fun trip. How scary can the beach be?” Besides, the ocean and I have long-set boundaries. After all, I saw Jaws in the theater when it first came out. My idea of fun is sitting in the sand with a book, and a beer, and I was pretty sure Mantamy would have plenty of both for me.

As if God wanted to give me a reminder, while I was packing, the movie Red Water was playing on the television.

Seriously. No thank YOU. To make matters even more clear, when I got to the beach, Mantamy told us how sorry she was that we’d gotten there so late because earlier, she’d seen a bunch of fish jumping in the water so she took her kayak out to where something called a “bait ball” was, and not only did she see the fish but, and this is the part that she liked, also sharks. Big sharks. Sharks big enough that she started to think that maybe she should leave in case they bumped her kayak and knocked her in the water. Mmm kay.

You can imagine that I wasn’t ready to jump into a kayak. Friday, Mantamy and the other girls, Keekle and Eli, all took them out for a spin, and I don’t want to be a tattle-tale, but not one of them wore a life jacket. Granted, Mantamy only had ONE which probably came with the house, but still it seemed like at least one of them should have worn it. I don’t know much about water safety but it seems sort of unsafe.  Kinda of like taking a kakak TOWARD something called a bait ball. Surprisingly, they all made it back alive.

By Saturday, I knew that I would have to at least go out in the kayak so that the girls wouldn’t call me lame. Keekle, Eli and I got them ready to put in the water, which is when Matamy mentioned that we’d need to hurry ’cause she’d “just spotted another bait ball and if we were quick we’d probably also see sharks.” Obviously, I had no intention of actually going anywhere NEAR something called bait, but I followed the others at a distance. By the time they made it to spot where all the fish were jumping and the birds were diving, it ended. The bait buffet moved on down the ocean, and I put a fake disappointed expression on my face, and went to join the others.

Which is when I looked to my left and saw this:

Or it’s slightly smaller cousin. So, I immediately yelled SHARK, then started freaking out and praying under my breath because, like my pastor said, there are times when it feels like if Jesus doesn’t show up, you’re in serious trouble, and that time is when you see a shark. Did I mention that Keekle looked down and saw two under her kayak? Or that Eli started paddling TOWARD us so she could see it? Or that I am the only sane one in this story?

My first instinct was to paddle the heck out of dodge, but because I’ve studied sharks by watching a lot of movies, I knew that the last thing you want to do is smack the water like a wounded fish. So I kept praying. And then I asked ELI to smack around like a wounded fish if she was in such a big hurry to see a shark and while she did that, I left. Surprisingly, we all made it back alive.

So, now thanks to Mantamy, I have seen India AND a shark. And I suppose I’ve drawn closer to Jesus because of both of those things.

She must keep Him REALLY busy.

This weekend was full of things I thought I knew, but didn’t. It’s like High School all over again! First of all, Thursday. I THOUGHT my mother and Aunt Fay were coming to town so we could hit some yard sales, but then my mom showed up ALONE. What the what? Mom said that Fay called right before she left saying she was “under the weather”. When someone in my family misses a yard sale, under the weather can only mean one of two things:

A. They are dying. Aunt Fay has been talking about coming here for months, so the only thing that could stop her would be death. I was just about to call Sells Funeral Home and book the parlor, when it occurred to me that Aunt Fay had just come back from a trip to the beach and that she looked awfully healthy in the Facebook photos, so maybe under the weather meant –

B. She doesn’t like us. This is not uncommon in our family, especially when we spend a lot of time together. This is probably the most reasonable answer and was pretty much confirmed when mom called her a few hours after being here and surprise, Fay had made a remarkable recovery.

Later, she called and asked me to tell my mother to stop and buy her some Vidalia onions and I said I would, but then I threw the message away because who wants to spend money on onions for someone who may or may not be dying and probably doesn’t like us?

Saturday, my mom left town in a fairly full truck and I prepared for the Youth/Parent dinner. Since it was also our monthly Supper Club, JD and I were splitting duties. He was going to cook something yummy and go to supper club, while Moon and I were going to show up at the Youth/Parent dinner for some delicious barbeque. Except that it turns out it was actually a Youth Parent’s Dinner and kids weren’t invited. Which, let’s face it, is WAY better. But then I got there and found out that the mock-tails they were serving meant “fake” and not that we were going to drink them and mock people, so it wasn’t quite as exciting as I’d hoped. Then they told us how we can’t just expect the Church to lead our kids spiritually but that WE as parents need to be engaged, to not just tell our kids how to live, but to BE what we want our children to be.

Which I would TOTALLY be up for except that I have a pretty full plate, what with my poor Aunt Fay dying. Also, I’ve been a tad under the weather.

I’m watching the first thirty minutes of Scandal because last Thursday when it was actually ON, I was watching Project Runway. I hate it when all my shows collide. Anyway, Olivia finds out that her mild-mannered father is actually running a CIA-type of covert government agency and NOT selling antiquities as previously thought. Yeah, that could happen. Maybe MY dad is doing the same – maybe Jackie isn’t taking a load to Winder, but is instead holding a sniper rifle in Syria, and instead of meeting with “clients” to build a “retaining wall”, he’s meeting with CLIENTS to build a “thing that goes BOOM”.

But I am also watching Nashville and the young girl finds out that her mom dated a country music playing, guitar toting cutie named Deacon and that her father is not her father, but Deacon is. So maybe my dad isn’t CIA, but is a country music star, like Kris Kristofferson! You know, I used to talk about running to Nashville and finding Kris, and my mother always discouraged me. Now I know WHY.

But if my dad is not really who he says HE is, what about my mom? I was watching Once Upon A Time and Henry found out his mom is ACTUALLY a evil queen from the enchanted forest who’s made everyone in the town forget who they really are, like Snow White and Jiminy Cricket.

I’ve always secretly believed I was actually a princess. Cinderella would make a lot of sense. Tania-the-mad fits as the mean step-sister anyway.