Friday Five

1. I like Venus William’s new hair.

It makes it easier for me to see who’s who on the television. I’m sorry she lost in singles, but she and Serena are still in the doubles, so go USA!

2. My grandmother is turning 100 this weekend. The mayor came by to congratulate her.

Right after this picture, we told her he was a Republican and she beat him with her purse.

3. I think we all need a little bit of this to remind us of Good Miley.

4. I am not a Ben Stiller fan, but this looks good, but it has Ben Stiller. I don’t know what to do – my life is hard.

5. I’m a big fan of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. Have you seen it? Jerry Seinfeld basically rides around with other comedians, then they get coffee. It’s funnier than it sounds. So since I’m going to be in Zollicoffer for the weekend, along with my husband and brother, I thought we could make something similar. I’m calling the project Rednecks in Trucks getting Beer. I think it’s got potential.

Have a great weekend!

You Know What Today Is?

The day after Hump Day! Which is even better than Hump Day because we’re 1 day closer to the weekend. And I’m an so READY for the weekend. It’s come to my attention that I can’t see. As in, I’m going blind. My friend, Kat, noticed it last night as we were driving to a church function and I kept asking her what the road signs said. To be fair, I was also texting so perhaps it’s only the one eye that I had on the road that’s going bad.

But it’s not only driving where I’m having issues. The US Open tennis tournament is on and I can’t tell the score, or even who’s playing. My husband says it’s because we only have a 37 inch television, which everyone knows is just plain useless, but I’m thinking it’s eyestrain. I’ve been reading a book or seven. Reading should be easy with my Nook since it has a feature that will make the font much LARGER, but I haven’t been able to find it yet.

It’s gotten so bad, I can’t even see money. Yesterday, I told JD that he’d need $30 for the tutor and that I’d leave it on the table. A little bit later, I got a photo showing a $20.00 and a $1.00 dollar bill. Well, to be fair, that’s only one zero short. Anyone could make that mistake, amiright Kittens?

Obviously I could just find my glasses and wear them, but what would be the fun in that? It’s much more entertaining to dodge animals in the road that turn out to be Walmart bags, and play “Where’s my turn?” every time you go somewhere. At my age, you take fun where you can find it.

Harper Valley 2.0

I can distinctly remember singing into a hairbrush, and belting out “The day my mama socked it to, the Harper Valley P.T.A.!”

I thought it was the best song EVER. Yeah, Mrs. Johnson, you tell those hypocrites what’s what! How dare they question your parenting skills, your wardrobe and the fact that you run around with men. People should not judge mothers’ of middle-schoolers for the way they choose to cope, amiright Kittens?

Because I don’t want to be a modern-day version of Mrs. Johnson, I JOINED the PTA. I’m actually a chair-person of a committee and everything. I was hoping it was the committee that sends notes home to parents about their style choices, but it’s just something called “public relations”. Oh well.

We had our first meeting yesterday and I was sorry to say it only dealt with things like the school dance, e-blasts, and teacher appreciation day. The only excitement was when the president mentioned something called “Spirit Night” but it turns out it has nothing to do with gin, but is where you eat somewhere and proceeds go to your school.

This is why there’s no good music anymore.

Grease Is The Word, the Dirty Word

One of the greatest moments of my teenage life was when I went to see the movie, Grease. Olivia Newton-John was beautiful, and John Travolta, oh MAN, don’t get me started. Remember, this was a time when most of the nation thought Henry Winkler and the Fonz was hot. I loved the movie and especially the songs. Even now, MANY years later, I can sing right along with the Pink Ladies.

That is just the BEST. Apparently, I’m not alone. My friend, Kat, decided to have a group of ladies over to her house to watch the movie, hang out and relive our teenage crush over John Travolta. It was a lot of fun; there was singing, and food, and maybe even a glass or two of wine, but we couldn’t quite work up the same amount of love for the movie looking at it through adult eyes.

Don’t get me wrong, we loved it, it’s just that in 2 hours we have boys telling lies about getting down in the sand with a girl, teenagers smoking, stealing, and getting hickies, a pregnancy scare, fights, dirty dancing, inappropriate language, drag racing, and the corruption of a beautiful, pure girl into a spandex wearing tart. It explains so much about my life from the age of 15 – 30.

I wish they would have made a sequel, Grease – 20 Years Later. It might have helped to see Danny Zuko working at an appliance repair shop in New Jersey while a fat Sandy yelled at her kids over the dinner table and complained that she needed money for groceries. It MIGHT have, but I doubt it.

Seriously, I thought this was hot:

Don’t blame me, Kittens, it was the 80’s.

Five Friday Facts

1. Miracles still happen.

After a year and a half, 7 rental cars, and two transmissions, my car is running. I don’t know how long it will continue to run, but it’s a beautiful thing. Much like that hottie standing next to it.

2. Rats aren’t my only neighbors.

The baby fawn is back, and she’s eating my apples. Good thing I let them lay all over the ground like that.

3. Moon is cute.

We’ve gone through a shift recently. I read a book called Ending the Homework Hassle by John Rosemond. In it, he says that homework is the child’s responsibility and if it doesn’t get done, the CHILD is the one who should be upset and/or inconvenienced. Moon is not a fan, and God help him if she ever figures out how to write an Amazon review. But it’s been great for me, which is the point, amiright?

4. You learn something new every day.

I’ve been driving for THIRTY years and without fail, when it’s time to get gas, I always forget which side the take is on. A few weeks ago, JD mentioned that the little gas icon has an arrow which points to the correct side. Finally, after almost 17 years of marriage, information I can use!

5. I’m launching a new website called Your Yard-sale Sucks. Here’s a sample post:

Thanks, but no thanks for the sweat-stained, Euro-trash, Chanel flip-flops seen recently at your sale for THIRTY dollars. If I ever decide I DO want some worn-out, overpriced shoes complete with toe-imprints and  foot stank I’ll be sure and come back.

Hey, it’s slightly better than knocking over their table and running.

:( Scowling Is For Losers. And Winners.

I didn’t mention it, but I played bridge on Friday with my good friend, Patty. I’ve been trying to play on a Friday at the Ruff-n-Sluff for YEARS, but have been thwarted by a little something I like to call, “parenting”. But now with Moon in Middle School, I can drop her off, play 24 boards and be in the pick-up line in plenty of time.

I had fun, but alas, we didn’t win. Patty stopped me as we were changing tables to ask if everything was alright.  She said she’d been worried, because I was SCOWLING, but I assured her that was just my thinking face. She said, “Well, you were scowling when you were winning TOO, so I figured it was fine.”

Note to self: Increase the botox budget.

So this week, I’ve been using ever spare moment to practice bridge online -not the actual PLAYING, but my bridge face. It’s taken hours, but I can finally hold my face still while I play, keeping it the exact same whether I’m winning or going down 4.

Patty is going to be so much happier.

Just your Typical Monday

This morning I started to update my Facebook status with the following:

My house is a wreck, my daughter was late for school, I’m fat and the dog just peed in the kitchen. Just another day in Paradise.

But then I thought, why sugarcoat it? Most days are worse!

I did manage to exercise, and shower, and get some work done, but the house is still a wreck and I’m still fat. Oh well, at least I’ve got a good family.

This afternoon I put a photo on Facebook of some beets my mom sent. I posted that I’m obviously her favorite and it wasn’t ten minutes before I got a phone call ensuring me that that was NOT the case. I figured someone in the family would let me know I was mistaken, I just didn’t expect it to be my MOM. Well, that was a good fantasy while it lasted.

Moon came home from school and we spent some time doing homework, then headed out to buy some Duct Tape cause she’s got to make something for math class. Yes, MATH. It’s like teachers are just screwing with us now. We had a lovely evening until I asked Moon if she wanted any dessert. She said yes, and I made her an ice-cream/cookie sandwich that was yummy right up until her tooth started hurting and JD had to run to WalMart for some Orajel. Sigh.

Moon’s life may not be perfect, but at least she’ll be able to look back and know she was our favorite! At least until my mom calls and tells her otherwise.

See, there’s the Birds and they meet these Bees

So I had the “talk” with Moon over the weekend. You know the one. I’d just as soon have waited until a more appropriate age, say 40, but the Cobb County 6th grade health class curriculum forced me to accelerate my time table.

So I sat Moon down and told her, you know, about the female body. I think she’d heard it before cause she was all like,

Then I segued into how God created us different than boys and for a purpose and that, uh, marriage is a good thing. I might have rambled a bit cause Moon was like,

And because I couldn’t see anyway to avoid it, I began to talk a bit about the MALE body. Granted, I don’t know a whole bunch but I hit the basics and suddenly Moon was like,

I REALLY wanted to stop there, but I’d seen the vocab list, so I went on to explain how God’s plan was for a man and a woman, and, oh yeah, babies.  I did my best to present it in a calm and professional manner, and basically I just laid it all out there, sort of like,

I guess I did a good job presenting the facts because Moon was like,

Which I think we can all agree is the appropriate reaction for a 6th grader.

And once it was finally over, I felt like doing this,

Which I believe is also the appropriate response for the mother of a 6th grader.

This Week is Trying To Kill Me

And I thought yesterday was bad. Sure I left the house at 9:15 a.m., ran all over town, raced to Moon’s school a COUPLE of times, took her to Paulding County then East Cobb, then home again, finally getting into the driveway around 10 p.m., but that was NOTHING, cause today we hit the wall. The homework wall.

Evidently there’s a bunch of classes and notebooks and assignments and how is one kid supposed to keep up with it all? There’s always at least one assignment that we’ve forgotten in the locker, lost in the agenda, or just plain neglected to do. We’re in the first full week and we’ve already had tears. Mine mostly, but still.

To top it all off, Moon got put into Health class which means she and I get to have some interesting talks in the next few weeks. The school sent home a form for me to sign saying whether she could or could not be in class during the week of Human Growth discussion. I was surprised to find out that the girls and boys would be in class together during the talks, then I looked at the vocabulary list and died. I can’t even. The good news is that we have the option of pulling Moon out that week, and she was fine with that. The bad news is that all of her friends are going to have a new, expanded vocabulary and I guess I’m going to have to bring up her up to speed on some things. Who’s going to bring ME up to speed?

So now I have to pick up the house even though it’s past my bedtime, get organized for tomorrow and set my alarm for EARLY so that Moon can get up and finish her math in time to get to FCA, and I can get to an estate sale for my mom.

6th grade, you’re beginning to look a lot like 5th grade to me. And that is not a good thing.

Rockin’ It 80’s Style – 1880’s!

Moon came home yesterday and informed us that it was Music Night at her school, which meant we had a chance to meet the band and orchestra teachers, watch Moon try some of the instruments and sign her up for classes. By signing up, she’ll get an hour of free instruction EVERY DAY.

We watched her try the oboe, flute, viola, cello and stand-up bass. The stand-up bass was my idea because who doesn’t love the Darlin’s from Andy Griffith? I had visions of her playing bluegrass while I accompanied her on an old jug, but alas, she went a different direction. After much deliberation, Moon has decided to play the cello.

Once Moon made her decision, I started finding YouTube video’s for her to watch. This is one of my faves. It doesn’t start until the .26 mark, so skip ahead.

Now that’s the kind of music I’d like to hear around the house! Hey, a girl can dream.

So now we’re the proud owners of a cello. Well, we will be once we fulfill the rent-to-own contract we signed today. I can only hope we finish paying for it before she decides to quit.

I said a girl can dream!