Here’s why I never seem to find the time to clean house. First of all, I worked. Work has to be done on the computer, which led me to Facebook, which is when I saw that some people had commented on my update from last night about watching the Tony Awards.

Which led me to thinking about Neil Patrick Harris, and how when I saw him I thought he reminded me of someone but I couldn’t remember who. SO I had to spend some time running all of the people I’d ever seen through my head and finally it hit me. He is starting to look like that guy in that French movie with that French lady. So I had to Google French movies, but there seems to be a bunch of them, so I had to Google French actresses which FINALLY led me to Audrey Tautou, which led me to the movie, Amelie. THAT was where I saw the dude. So I Googled “Amelie cast” and found him – Dominique Pinon. WHEW.

So then I downloaded photos of both Dominique and Neil for comparison, re-sized and cropped the images and made them into a Photoshop document, made a JPEG, then emailed it to myself so I could work on it tonight.

See what I mean?

THEN I started thinking about Neil Patrick Harris and his hosting ability and how much I liked his opening but that it wasn’t as good as the 2011 Tony Awards skit where he and Hugh Jackman rocked da house! So I had to go to YouTube and find the video.

Wasn’t that awesome? And now you understand why my house is so dirty. I have to work hard to bring you people high quality blog material like this.

You’re welcome.

Friday was the first full day of no school and I have to say, I’m a fan. There’s just something awesome about having all the Tyres under one roof with no plans to go anywhere. Yes I had to work, but most everyone was already in “long weekend” mode so it was an easy day. As opposed to all of the other days which are just hellacious.

Anyway. On Saturday, Kathryn came over and we went to a few yard sales. I was looking for Moon some clothes and while I could have gone the retail route, I thought driving around randomly and shopping at strangers homes might better produce the desired result. And by “desired result” I mean “under ten dollars”. Of course I was right. We got shorts and t-shirts and name brand fashions for next to nothing. Afterward, I decided new clothes might be in order for me TOO so we forgot the yard sale craziness and went straight to Ann Taylor Loft.

I bought a few linen t-shirts but I passed on the shorts because I am modest. Also, pasty.

After shopping, we ran over to Mantamy’s house for a quick “How do you do?” and that’s when she showed us her new project:

A dolphin topiary. I know, right? And while it IS impressive, it actually has taken her a long time to get to this level of expertise. A couple of years ago, they had to move because her skills weren’t what they should have been.

Saturday night we went to Supper Club and ate YUMMY Tex-Mex fajitas, Mexican cornbread, Quinoa and a Mexican dessert JD made -

Again, yummy. I may have eaten enough for three people. Three, LARGE people.

Sunday, because our church is cool, instead of sitting inside on hard benches we opted for the oft-overlooked holy endeavor of picnicking. Sitting on a blanket in the shade, eating potluck food while the kids ran around and played on a water slide, it was a perfect way to spend a Sunday. And the best part? It was 48 hours long!

Mondays are made for recovering from Sundays, amiright? I spent the morning cleaning, then hanging on the couch while Moon played with Baby A for a couple of hours. By the afternoon, I had roused myself enough to put on clothes so Moon and I went to the bookstore.

At some point JD and I did explain to Moon that Memorial Day was to honor the people who gave their lives for us on the battlefield, but other than eating a red, white, and blue Popsicle, we weren’t the most patriotic celebrators.

Well, I did throw this together:

It’s no phallic dolphin, but it’s the best I could do in an afternoon.

1. Cool Business Cards such as:

This one for a cheese shop – it’s an actual grater!

For a stock broker.

2. Perfectly timed photos. Like this one:

3. This movie looks interesting.

It’s all I got.

Today was a banner day in the Tyre household – Moon passed the CRCT! Thank the good Lord above. The test ruined my 5th grade experience, not to mention my wallet. We wanted to make sure Moon had every opportunity to do well, so we had a tutor 2 – 3 hours ever week. And I guess it paid off! Or, Moon would have passed anyway and we just wasted our money. Whateves. All I know is that 6th grade is in our future and 5th grade can suck it.We haven’t actually SEEN the grades, but her teacher told the class that everyone passed the math and reading portions so unless she’s a bald-face liar, we’re gold.

Also, I played bridge on Tuesday night and, wait for it…we won! First over all for over 1.13 points -impressive or what! Every time I win, I go to bed thinking what life would be like to be a bridge pro. So basically I don’t spend a lot of time thinking what life would be like to be a bridge pro.

And as if the last couple of days hasn’t been grand enough, the meeting I was supposed to have tonight got cancelled and I got to sit on the couch and watch the season finales of Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal!

Tomorrow night I’m going to a friend’s house where he’s giving a class on financial management or something like that. I didn’t really pay attention but I assume he’s going to give us some money to practice with, so it seemed like a good idea. Moon is spending the night with her BFF, which is awesome, since I’m hoping to do some late night shopping and maybe a movie with my new funds.

That’s a pretty good life, I don’t care who you are.

Kittens, when my daughter asked me to chaperon her 5th grade field trip, I admit I had certain reservations, but the way she described it gave me hope. First of all, she said, we’d be traveling by luxury bus with TVs and a bathroom. The reality was slightly less fantastic. Yes, I was on a bus with tv’s and a bathroom, but I didn’t realized I’d be shoulder to shoulder with 75 stinky 5th graders who’d say things like, “I need to go #2!” and “I think I’ve got one about to come out!” out LOUD, or that the bathroom would be the size of a broom closet, or that the tv show would be a 3rd rate movie about horses and rednecks that made everybody in the south sound like a gap-toothed fool.

Also, responsibility. I thought that JD and I, yes he went too, would basically follow our daughter around enjoy the fun. In actuality, the teacher met us on the sidewalk and said our “group” would need a little extra help. One of the girls was in her own world and likely to walk away at any moment, and the other two, while best friends, were a bit “troublesome”. Lovely. Luckily I got home with all of them, but not without drama. At one point one of the girls wanted us to go outside, but the other one didn’t. Later, the other wanted to go out and the first one didn’t. During the course of the boat ride, the drama became so intense that one of the best friends wouldn’t speak to the other best friend, which led to 2 hours of the silent treatment and finally tears. I’d had enough and finally told the offended party to either make up with her friend or she could sit with me on the whole ride home. Let’s just say, my skills as a moderator are epic. Perhaps I should take a trip to Israel?

We went to Ruby Falls – impressive, Rock City – peaceful, and for a Riverboat cruise – a hot barge sitting on stinky water. And all they had to eat was pizza. Pizza for a non-dairy eating dieter! Obviously, regular readers are familiar with my discipline, which is why I’m ALSO a hot barge sitting on stinky water. Or a couch, whatever. Of the three, Ruby Falls was my favorite. I loved hearing about the history, especially how 3 men went down into an elevator shaft into the mountain to explore an air pocket, and crawled on their hands and knees through a passage that was 4 feet wide and 2 feet high for SEVEN HOURS before they could find a place to stand up, a trip that eventually led them to the famous falls. Hey, I applaud men and their pioneering spirit.

Tomorrow is Field Day at Moon’s school, which means another long day of hanging out in the hot sun with sweaty children. Unfortunately, I’ve got plans, but I’ve assured JD he can go. I WOULD but I’m not the one with the pioneering spirit.

Work had a Low Country Boil this evening and I went wearing one black shoe and one brown one. I would like to pretend that’s atypical but let’s face it – it probably happens more often than not. What do you expect when you make a person that’s been working from home for the last 6 years suddenly start dressing up and appear in public? They’re lucky that I wasn’t wearing HOUSE shoes.

They weren’t the shoes I started with; I actually went out earlier in the day to meet my Radigals and I wore some Chuck Taylor’s, but since we went from cold and rainy to 112 degrees by the afternoon, I threw on something a little more breathable. This. Is. Riveting.

At Radigals, we had a nice holy discussion about Grammar Nazi’s and how I’d recently learned that saying one feels “nauseous” is incorrect. If you feel you are nauseous, you’re actually saying you feel like you are inspiring nausea in others. You probably mean to say you feel NAUSEATED. It’s a little confusing so I just vowed to say “I’m a gonna hurl” from now on. And I realize I ended that sentence with a preposition but Grammar Nazis need something to keep them occupied, amiright?

That nausea inducing conversation led to some other commonly misused phrases such as saying you’re on tender hooks. No, you’re on TENTERHOOKS.

Tenterhooks are hooks in a device called a tenter. Tenters were originally large wooden frames which were used as far back as the 14th century in the process of making woollen cloth. After a piece of cloth was woven, it still contained oil from the fleece and some dirt. A craftsperson called a fuller (also called a tucker or wa[u]lker) cleaned the woollen cloth in a fulling mill, and then had to dry it carefully or the woollen fabric would shrink.

Now don’t you feel better knowing that?

Which one of you jack legs is going to write my obituary? I expect something like this.

CLICK HERE.

Not that I’m planning on dying any time soon, but I’ve seen your comments and I’m thinking you might want to get started now.

I was chatting with the bridge ladies this evening about the usual – current events, the awesomeness of bridge, and men. I’ve been thinking lately about how men used to get to do fun things like sail ships across the ocean, conquer frontiers, fight Indians, kill animals for food and drink in saloons with women named Miss Kitty. Now the most dangerous thing they have to navigate is rush-hour traffic while drinking a grande half-caff.

Life has changed for women as well, but some how the fact that we now do laundry inside instead of banging our underwear against a rock in a river hasn’t diminished the fun of the endeavor.  Poor men.

So I’ve decided that JD can have a free Vacation Pass. Find an adventure, go on a trip, get your City Slicker on with a couple of friends, whatever. Here’s a quick list of a few ideas.

1. Running with the Bulls in Pamplona.

2. Learn to fly a helicopter in Alaska.

3. Rafting the Grand Canyon

4. Take a cross-country ride on a motorcycle.

5. Fly to the edge of space

Obviously I need to work a couple of things out before he can go, like money. Also, life insurance. But before you know it he’ll be off on a wild adventure and I’ll spend the time getting in touch with MY feminine side by doing laundry. Or going to a spa, whatever.

PLEASE promise me that if you ever have your wisdom teeth out I can come and hang with you. Two, three minutes is all I ask.

This is my last night before the onslaught – Thursday will bring my mom, the aunts and a COUSIN to the house for a weekend of estate sales and parallel parking. The house has been cleaned, but I didn’t go all crazy. By the time they bring in their finds from the first yard sale, it will look like it’s never seen a mop anyway, so why bother? This “close enough” philosophy permeates everything and everyone at Chez Tyre.

I was helping Moon study for a spelling test earlier today. “MOM! I know them already.” When I asked her to spell them for me, she said, “Well, not letter by letter. Geesh.” Yeah, she’s my daughter all right.

If I haven’t made this clear before, hear me now – I am so ready for school to be over. It doesn’t really matter what her grades are anyway, it all comes down to the stupid CRCT. So can we all stop pretending anything else matters and just have recess? Not that they are doing a lot – today was a “read in”. Moon read the first two chapters of Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech. Best. Book. Ever. If you like sweet books that will make you bawl, that is.

My goal for the summer is that we’d read more and watch TV less. Which is why I spent the hours from 5 -8 catching up on Comcast On-Demand, you know, to get it out of the way. My other goal is to lose 20 more pounds but since I had all that television to catch up on, I kinda missed my exercise window. Not to worry, I’m sure I’ll walk plenty this weekend as we go house to house looking for essential items.

Things I need:

1. Summer clothing for Moon
2. Books
3. A chest of drawers with an Asian influence
4. Miscellaneous household stuff

I use the term “need” loosely. I didn’t mean it letter by letter, geesh.