Moon’s bun? A success, of course.

Was there ever any doubt? This has to be the easiest hair product I’ve ever used and I base that on the fact that I could actually use it to get the desired result. All those years with a curling iron to get the perfect bangs never worked, but I am a PRO with the sock bun doughnut thingy.

My daughter was beautiful. If they had been giving awards for “Best Looking”, and let’s face it – they SHOULD, she would have won twice. We were THIS close from getting an attendance award, but Moon was sick one day. ONE day. In addition to being sticklers about being there every day, you also had to have less than 4 tardies. Which. We. Did. That’s right, last year we had SEVENTEEN, this year, four. I kept expecting the Most Improved Mother Award but the Nazi’s that run her school limited the awards to the kids.

I was sad for about 8 seconds, then all I could think was how happy I was that this stupid year was OVER. No more girl drama. No more CRCT. No more “extended response” math answers. If Moon ever uses the ER in real life I will smack her. No one cares WHY their change is .23 cents, just hand over the money.

Maybe it’s just me. A couple of weeks ago, JD and I were in a “seminar” and afterward, one of the participants told me that I was a “challenger”. I asked JD if he considered me a “challenger” and he said “yes”. So I gave him my own version of the “extended response”.

It’s been a long year for everybody.

That is a funky title for an average day. I realize I didn’t post anything last night but you’ll have to forgive me – I had a horrible headache which was exacerbated by the fact my bridge ladies kept trumping my good tricks. Vicious. The ladies, not the headache.

Today I hit the ground running. Okay, not actually “running” cause that would involve exercise, but I did get a lot of stuff done. Moon was getting out of school at noon and I wanted to get some things accomplished before picking her up. I wrote, worked on ads, read the Bible, and basically did everything I needed to do except watch more episodes of Orphan Black, but hey, a girl has to pace herself amiright?

Since I was done with work, and Moon was done with school, I thought we could use a little bonding time, so we headed to the nail salon. Moon went with something fresh and young in teal, while I chose this:

I call it Mud.

Target was next. Tomorrow is Moon’s last walk down the 5th grade hall, so we bought some flowers for her to hand out to special teachers, friends in lower grades, etc. And I finally broke down and bought a sock bun thingy.

Moon’s going to rock it like a Kardashian tomorrow.

Unless I screw it up, then she’ll be rocking the Edna Garrett.

Whichever.

I’m a Braves fan. Why else would I have spent my Sunday at Turner Field getting drenched and spending my weekly paycheck on peanuts and Dipping Dots? We did the chop, the wave, and the 7th inning stretch – all very difficult maneuvers if you’re not a true-blue baseball fan. It was a very exciting game. In the second inning Carolyn and I bought a bottomless bucket of popcorn and then in the FIFTH inning we went back for more only to be told they were OUT.

Uh, that looks like the bottom to me.

I was really worried and went to three different concession stands only to hear the same thing – NO POPCORN. It was touch and go there for a while, but finally in the 7th, Carolyn found a vendor with some and we were home free. Whew. Don’t even get me started about the 1-refill Coke I bought. Go Braves!

Friday and Saturday were spent at our friend’s financial class/seminar/dessert buffet. They didn’t give out any cash, but we did learn a lot, like “It’s not about the money!”, “Stewardship is only the beginning!”, and “If you work at it, you can fit 72 chocolate-covered pomegranates in your mouth!” That last one was especially satisfying.

Other than that, our weekend was the same as usual – laundry, WalMart, mopping. And since JD was doing all that, I caught up on my reading.

Baby A didn’t come over any this weekend, but I got to see her a bit during the week, and since some grumblers have complained that I don’t show photos anymore, this is for you.

Apparently, I’m hilarious.

I know I didn’t post yesterday, but that was only because I was laying in bed at 10:30 before I remembered and didn’t think it was worth the effort to get up. Actually, the day was TOTALLY worth it, but I was too lazy. Pity, cause some amazing things happened.

Like the fact that I showered. Before NOON. I was desperately needed at work so I got dressed and went into the office like normal sad sacks. I had just left my house and noted that there were groundhogs playing in the neighbors yard. Isn’t that nice? We get them at our house too, but their usually on the roof or in the attic. Still it’s nice to see animals enjoying nature. As I pulled out of the drive, I noticed 2 small animals playing in the grass next to the highway and slowed down for a better look. Turns out they were RATS. Awesome. Our neighbor recently told Moon that she keeps seeing a coyote in her yard. What with the coyote and rats and the WalMart across the street, I’m pretty sure my property value is just skyrocketing!

At work, something amazing happened. Someone told me I looked skinny! Because I’m a woman, I immediately yelled, “Well I’m NOT!” Luckily he believed me and I didn’t have to pull up my shirt and show him my muffin top cause I totally would have.

After work, Moon and I joined the bff- Jemi and her mom for a trip to Tellus, the science museum in Cartersville designed to teach you about science and make you feel like an idiot. No I DON’T know when the Wright Brothers took the first flight, but I know you have a sign that says No Outside Food or Drink in the museum yet I’m carrying a tote bag full of contraband juice boxes that you neglected to check so who’s stupid now? Holla.

We didn’t get home until 8:30 and I decided I’d hit the bed with a good book. Someone had posted a link on Facebook to a dystopian tale that looked good so I spent the 8.99 to buy it and was ready for a rollicking futuristic adventure. Turns out it was only 84 pages, which on my Nook with it’s screen the size of an index card, is like 2 pages in a regular book. I’ve read letters to the Editor that were longer than that.

So with all that fun, you can see why I forgot my blog. Luckily, I was able to remember it in vivid detail. This goes without saying but, you’re welcome.

Nothing like a tiring weekend to make you look forward to a Monday. The fun started on Friday when I went to a writer’s conference and hung out with writers talking about writing. It. Was. Awesome. The only thing that would have made it better was if I had done any actual writing. Oh well, I’ll get around to that sooner or later. I went with my friend Sandy, then she dropped me off at Cracker Barrel where I had the first of MANY Mother’s Day dinners. I was starving and by the time the food got there I DEVOURED it, then went home and lay face down in the bed till morning.

I got up Saturday and started cleaning house because my brother said he might come over with Baby Allison. I figured cleaning the floor was easier then performing the baby Heimlich but I needn’t have bothered because he didn’t even COME. Geesh. It wasn’t a complete waste of time since my friend Kathryn came over for a walk, and Moon had a friend spend the night, but I’d rather used the time to watch TV, or sleep. Or anything else.

Saturday night we went to our favorite restaurant, La Parilla, for my SECOND Mother’s Day dinner. I was starving and by the time the food got there I DEVOURED it, then went home and lay face down in the bed till morning.

Sunday morning was Mother’s Day and it was as awesome as usual. It started with coffee and cards in bed, descended into a rushed and stressful morning trying to get everyone to church, which led to me and JD having an argument DURING WORSHIP. Let’s just say when the worship leader sang, Holy Spirit You are Welcome Here, I pointed at JD’s head. Luckily, somewhere between all the singing and the preaching, I found it in my heart to forgive him because I am holy like that. And I might have been a little bit to blame. It’s all a blur.

After church, we came home and ate, then Moon and I went to an estate sale for my mom. I’d already been to the estate sale on Friday for my mom, but since I still had money in my checking account, she sent me back for the 50% deals. I got her lots of vintage clothes and purses, jewelry, coats and a couple of wigs. Yes, surprisingly enough, the wigs were still there after 3 days. When we got home, Moon insisted that I have a special Mother’s Day dinner, and that JD should cook it. I wasn’t really hungry but I felt like I should eat it to be nice. So I pretended I was starving by the time the food got there and I DEVOURED it, then went to the bedroom and lay face down in the bed till morning.

So your typical weekend.

Kittens, I am full. I just made JD go to Subway and buy me a FOOT LONG sandwich and then I ate it like he might change his mind at any moment and take it away from me. It’s been a rough day. My partner and I played tennis, and it was a PLAYOFF, and we needed to take 3 out of 5, and we lost the first 2 lines, then Sharon and I took the court so it all rested on us. Guess how we did? I blame Jesus. I TOLD him that if he didn’t show up and improve my skills it was going to be ugly and He was like, “Oh yeah, I KNOW.” Since I’ve known from the beginning of the season that we stink, I can only surmise that SHARON needed to be humbled. So, well done Jesus!

Other than THAT, it was a good weekend. Mom and the Aunts and the Cousin came to town and we kicked serious yard sale booty. Everyone found SOMETHING, and we even convinced AmmoGuy to go with us one morning. That was especially fun for me since I hadn’t realized how much better he was at driving/helping/arranging than I was until I heard him PRAISED non-stop for, you know, coming to a complete stop and buckling his seat belt.

Half of the ladies left early Saturday morning with a car load full of goodies, and the rest of us braved the downpour to find bargains. I found a perfect chair for my living room -

FIVE DOLLARS! That’s what I’m talking about. My mom and Aunt Fay found a couple of things too.

The back seat was full.

And the back, too. Luckily, Aunt Fay had already sent most of her things home with Cousin Karen. It was packed, but JD was able to rearrange everything in such a way that it all fit. It wasn’t arranged in alphabetical order or by color like AmmoGuy would have done it, but they managed to get it all home.

I admit that last nights blog post ended a bit abruptly, but I had developed a chest cold and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to make that funny. I was smart enough to drink some cough medicine before bed and got the best night’s sleep I’ve had since 2002, which just happens to be the year Moon was born. The good news is that I feel better. The bad news is I still don’t know how to make my day funny.

I spent most of the morning working on the computer, then headed to WalMart to get a few things. While I was there I decided to get some cookies. Yes, I’ve been on a diet for months, but while I was at my mom’s she told me that she treats herself to one cup of coffee and a cookie each day. What’s good for my mom is good for me, amiright? I bought some butter cookies that were 140 calories per serving and one serving is EIGHT cookies. Awesome. I came home and ate FOUR, dipping them in some yummy hot coffee, then left to go about my business.

This is what I found when I came back:

Over HALF of the box had been eaten. My conservative estimate is that someone ate FIFTY cookies. Initially, that someone tried to blame Moon, but I know something they don’t – Moon. Just a few days ago she tried a butter cookie and refused to finish it. The wacky kid doesn’t even LIKE butter cookies. The fact that the cookie eater has lost twice as much weight as I have over the last few weeks makes it even worse.

After the cookie incident, you’d think a certain someone would be too full to eat dinner, but since I made delicious rice and fake meat stuffed green peppers, they managed to find room. Not room for fifty, but still.

Instead of putting on my pj’s and resting on the couch like a normal person, I had to go to Moon’s new middle school for orientation. I ran into one of the other mom’s that I know only slightly. I’ve seen her a couple of times at yard sales, so of COURSE I asked if she was going to any this weekend cause there’s a bunch including Brookstone and my mom and aunts are coming here just for that so I’m sure she’ll be going, right?

Yeah, she looked at me like I was crazy, too.

Middle school is going to be a lot like elementary school apparently.

Hello, Kittens! I feel like I’ve had a fairly productive day considering I haven’t done a lot. Despite my bad back, JD and I managed to get to the gym this morning and I ran/walked about 3 miles. I recently read the twitter feed of an obnoxious sorority girl and it included this gem -

Hey, lady on the treadmill at 3.7 mph, why bother?

Harsh. I made sure to put my water bottle in front of the mph area so smart-a%& girls could find something ELSE to tweet about. Maybe the fact that JD kept hitting his headphones and pulling his Ipod off the ledge and onto the treadmill, then watched helplessly as it shot across the gym floor? Distracting, amiright?

After all that tomfoolery, I came home, rushed through a shower and went to the bridge club. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to play. I was there to talk about the upcoming tournament in July, drop off some flyers, think about prizes, etc. While I was there I found out that there’s going to be a fundraiser for the Alzheimer’s Association called The Longest Day where you play bridge from sunup to sundown. The Longest Day? How about The Most Perfect Day EVER! You know me, I won’t rest till Alzheimer’s is no more and if I have to play bridge all day, every day, I will do it!

THEN I went to see the Radigals and we talked about all kinds of stuff that I can’t tell or they’d kick me out, or worse, tell all the stuff they know about me. But you should know they lie.

I picked up Moon from school and got the usual, “Yes, the test was easy. Yes, I’m sure I passed it. Can I have Subway, I’m STARVING.” I gave in since I had to stop at WalMart anyway, and while she was ordering, I bought balloons to practice making balloon animals. Our church is helping out at a local school festival and we’ll be painting faces and making legless balloon dogs, at least that’s what the kids will get if they are counting on me. WAY harder than it looks. Moon, however, has mastered the pinch-twist and has made dogs, a snail, a parrot and a multitude of swords. Plan B in case her confidence in her grades is misplaced.

The best of the night has to go to JD though.

It’s not Darth Vader, but it’ll do.

Oh, Friday. So close and yet so far. Well, you’ll be glad to know that I made it out of the house today wearing grown-up clothes. I had to go into work for a few hours which is where I sit behind a desk doing the exact same things I do at home only more uncomfortably.

My friend, John, always insists we go out for lunch, and we ALWAYS eat Mexican and I always get the same thing – soft tortillas and a side order of beans. And you were worried I wouldn’t have anything interesting to blog about!

After lunch, I had to get on home. I hated to leave, but I had to pick Moon up at 2 and I wanted to hear how the CRCT went. She said on a scale from 1 – 10, with 10 being super hard, it was a 2. The school has been prepping us for months about how this test was Armageddon on a piece of paper and Moon gives it a TWO? Thanks, Cobb County, 5th grade was made all that more special with the stress headaches and $900.00 worth of tutoring.

While I was perusing the internet, I ran across an old acquaintance from art school. She’s living in NY so I thought I’d drop her a line even though we fought like cats and dogs the short time I knew her. There was a point where I was driving down the interstate with several friends, her included, and I pulled over and began trying to hit her in the back seat, much like parents everywhere trying to swat an angry child. Odd, she hasn’t responded yet.

Tomorrow will be much of the same, except for the exciting excursion to the Mexican restaurant. I’ll try to keep detailed notes.

Yawn. I’m sitting on the couch wearing a pair of jeans and my pajama top, the same outfit I scrambled into this morning to take Moon to school. I almost went full pj’s but since I briefly considered running into WalMart to buy coffee, I spruced up a bit. I finally deemed WalMart too much effort and instead made a cup the old-fashioned way with a filter. K-cups should come by the ton, amiright?

JD had a job this morning, so the whole “get Moon to school” thing was up to me. I managed to not only get her up and dressed on time, I even made breakfast. I only had 3 hours to make all that happen, so it was a close call.

Then I weighed, fell on the floor and cried, said a few words that I won’t repeat, and rebelled against the diet god’s by eating a scrambled egg. With cheese! Yes, it was vegan cheese, but still.

Later I worked a BUNCH. Mother, you’ll be happy to know that I created 8 different ads, wrote copy for a website, approved proofs, and generally earned the high salary I’m paid. And by “high salary”, I mean “We’ve got Curtis Mathis and it’s all paid for.”

I was supposed to play bridge, but one of the foursome wasn’t feeling well, so she bailed. She also happens to be the YOUNGEST member of the bridge club, so I’m guessing the “migraine” she needed to nurse was actually a tall, cold margarita. I’m on to YOU, Carolyn!

Moon has finished two days of CRCT testing and says that she’s aced them so far. We have three more days to go, and after that, I don’t care if she ever cracks another book. 5th grade, it’s been real, now bu-bye. If an EMP ever hits the US and the only way to function in society involves dividing fractions, I’ll just find something to trade for help. I’m not collecting tiny liquor bottles because they save space! I wonder if Moon prefers vodka or whisky.

And now I’m going to trade these jeans for the pj bottoms that are laying on the floor at the foot of my bed where I left them this morning and soothe my bad back with a hot water bottle. And by “hot water bottle” I mean a glass of wine. But you probably guessed that already.

Tomorrow’s goal – wear pants AND a shirt.