Super Mom

If there were Mom Olympics, I would totally have won the gold. As long as the Olympics were based on one morning every 12 years. JD was out of town last night, so it fell to me to get Moon up and going. She mentioned last night before bed that she needed some gray leggings to wear to school, and I’m not going to lie, I was a bit concerned. Mainly because finding clothing at my house means either going downstairs and digging through a pile of dirty clothes, or staying upstairs and digging through a pile of clean clothes. Lucky for her, they were UPstairs. I let her sleep in an extra thirty minutes, then put the leggings on her bed. While she got dressed, I signed her agenda, wrote her a note to excuse her absence the day before, made her lunch, and found an umbrella for her because it looked like rain. THEN I told her if she could get out the door in the next five minutes I’d take her to Burger King. We made it in four.

While we were sitting at the drive-thru window, I asked her is she still had the quarters I’d given her last week. She said yes, but she was saving them for Friday’s activities. So I dug a dollar out of my pocket and stuck it in her lunch box, “just in case”. That’s when she looked at me and said,

I like you.

Like I said, GOLD WINNER.


Spoiler alert: This may be the most boring post EVAH. I have really got to get a more interesting life. Or at least start telling y’all some of the juicy parts.

Speaking of which – the Juice Fast is over! Whew, that was tough. I can’t believe I actually went 30 days eating only raw food and/or drinking juice. And I only cheated 5, 6 times tops! There was Easter ham, and three salads with grilled chicken, and a baked chicken, and that one time I had fried chicken. But other than that I was TOTALLY strict. I somehow managed to stay clear of all sugar, and was 99.9% bread free. I lost almost 10 pounds and went down a dress size. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I’m still worlds away from where I want to go. Such. Is. Life.

This weekend was crazy busy, also known as “the usual”, and last night I fell into sleep exhausted. The storms that everyone had promised woke me up around 5 a.m., but we were lucky and didn’t even have to hit the basement. I had my phone fully charged and my computer by my bed, but alas, no emergency maneuvers required.

The radar showed more coming, and in order to get my chicken home to roost, I picked Moon up from school at noon. It didn’t so much as rain, but it pays to be prepared, amiright Kittens? She was in such a good mood from being home that she actually cooked dinner which is why I ended up eating the above-mentioned fried chicken for dinner. I should pick her up more often!

Tomorrow I’m going to keep working and hopefully find some time to clean house. AmmoGuy is bringing Baby A over on Thursday and she likes to crawl around pretending to be a pony, getting her hooves all dirty from my floor, just to show what a bad housekeeper I am. It was so bad over the weekend I had to give her a BATH.

I’m going to try and get some rest this week because on Saturday, I’m doing the WALK. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you haven’t seen Facebook in a while. The total goal for the ministry is $100,000 dollars! The crazy thing is that when I got up this morning we’d raised 55%. Now, it’s at 77%! People are good. GOD is good.

I am good. Or bad at confrontation, however you want to look at it. I was at Sam’s last week and as I was loading the car, a woman came and asked me for bus fare. I really wanted to say no because, SCAM. But since I’d been asking people for money for weeks on Facebook, I figured I should go ahead and give her two bucks. She said she needed it to get a ride to MUST. As I was leaving, I saw her wander over and ask someone else for more. I wanted to drive up to her and offer to take her to MUST but I figured that would freak her out. Also, she might say YES. I don’t look at it as being scammed. I look at it as helping her reach 75% of her goal.






I am looking forward to summer. I’m not sure why I expect it to be less hectic, but Moon will be home and she serves as an anchor, or an albatross, one of those “A” things. We are midway through Dante’s 7th circle of hell, also known as the CRCT. Luckily, this is NOT a pass/fail year so I can sleep at night. I don’t really think Moon will fail it, but I hate having the GOVERNMENT, or school as some people call it, deciding her future. That’s MY job, amiright Kittens?

Anyway, on the way to school today, Moon and I began to talk summer plans. She mentioned, not for the first time, that on the last day of school she wants to head straight to campground #82. A couple of years ago, she and JD drove through the campground looking for the perfect spot, and she saw it. Right on the water and facing a cove, it has everything a 12 year old could want. I’m reserving my enthusiasm until I see where the bathrooms are located, but okay.

Some of the parks allow you to reserve in advance and others are first-come-first-serve, and Moon claimed this was the latter. I decided to check it out today and was pleasantly surprised that you could indeed reserve it. Better yet, the 21st a Wednesday, is available. Unfortunately, that’s the LAST day it’s available. We can’t have two consecutive days until late June! I went ahead and booked it, because I’m the best mom ever, but there will be no reliving my youth and camping for weeks at a time. So SAD.

We’ll still go over on the 21st and find one of those first-come-first-serve spots, but it won’t be the same. Moon has already started making plans. She’s declared it a NO TECHNOLOGY zone, not even a computer to write with. I have to go old school and use something called a “spiral”. When I said SAD, I meant TRAGIC.

Working 9 to 7:30

If you were planning on working a full-time job, managing a huge fundraiser, and writing a book – don’t. Unless you LIKE the high that no sleep and stress can bring, in which case, go ahead. I was so busy today that when I answered the phone and found my EDITOR on the line, I was all like, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. You think you’ve got a busy day hanging out in New York, try MY life for a day.”

I took Moon to school today then went into the office and I did not come out except for using the restroom all the live long day. I didn’t even eat lunch which normally would be a bad thing except that I’m eating grass and boiled peanuts at this point, so it was not a big sacrifice.

Yesterday was busy as well, and had the added benefit of taking place over several locations. I didn’t roll into the house until 5 pm, but luckily the bridge table was set and we were able to get at least 8 boards played. If you don’t know what that means, you should really ask yourself what you’ve been doing with your life.

JD played and cooked dinner, then cleaned up the kitchen, then gave me 3 new shirts and a cute pair of pants he had just happened to find at The Gap because he thinks I’m fabulous and he yelled at me the other day, but mostly that last one.

And then, like tonight, I crawled into bed, hauled the dogs up on the covers with me, and watched a couple of hours of mindless television because I was too exhausted to do anything else. Unlike the other nights when I just watch television because I’m lazy. Totally different.




It’s been some kind of week. I left town on Tuesday to go to Savannah. We have a new office there and I wanted to meet a new coworker, see the office, hang out on River Street, all of which I did. I even got to see my in-laws and a niece. It would have been awesome except for two things. One, I was still on the stupid RAW food diet so I didn’t get to fully enjoy all of the eating out opportunities, and Two -work. I’m not sure I’m cut out for it.

I was a little beat-down and depressed by the time I picked up Moon from school on Friday. Then it got worse. She was standing in the rain and when she got in the car, I asked why she didn’t go stand under an umbrella with one of the other kids. That’s when she said that she had tried, but they had closed ranks and left her out. I am a woman on the edge, PEOPLE. Then she said that she hadn’t gotten a Friday snack because she didn’t have a quarter and no one would share their “good behavior” cards with her. Why doesn’t SHE have “good behavior” cards? That is THE question. Moon says even though she helps her homeroom teacher put up chairs every day, she never gives her one. What the what! You mean people are ugly and you work to do good things and no one notices? Guurrrl, I can relate!

I had already planned to take Moon shopping for an Easter outfit, so off we went for a little retail therapy, then we called Dad to meet us for dinner because who wants to eat my cooking when the world is already so unhospitable?

Saturday, I stayed in bed until noon and watched back to back Heroes on Netflix, then I went to play tennis. I’m guessing the Lord wishes Sharon and I would start practicing more and leave him alone because we PRAYED nonstop the whole time. And we won BIG. Whatever works, amiright Kittens?

Sunday was GREAT, and also awkward. Great because my lovely niece, Brooke, got baptized! Awkward because JD and I decided to have an argument at the lunch afterward. I’m not sure why, but if I had a chart of all of our fights over the last 17 years, 90% would be on Sundays. Anyway, we went to church, had lunch with AmmoGuy and family and Bratt and Kit, hung out, sent the kids kayaking, and ate.

Jesus cheated death and I decided to cheat my diet. Yes, 20 days into my juice/raw fast, I caved. I had some egg casserole AND ham. I didn’t go all-in and eat bread or sugar, but still it was a failure. A DELICIOUS failure.

Now the week begins and it’s time to go back to work, eat raw food, and send Moon into the Hades on Earth known as “Public School.” At least one of us will have a better week. The only thing Moon will have to worry about on Friday is walking. Her pockets are going to be so full of quarters she’ll sound like a wind-chime when she moves.




Off the Phone


This one is full-on her daddy’s girl. After working on the carburetor, she changed into her Star Wars, Dark Side t-shirt. If he hadn’t agreed to play bridge with us on Mondays, I’d have to kill him. It’s the only way to get her to play.

It’s All About Me

Today is day FIFTEEN, which means I’m half way there! I’ve never done a juice/raw diet for this long and I have to say it’s paying off. I’ve actually lost 8 pounds! That’s the good news. The bad news will take considerable longer:

1. I’m kind of irritable. I feel good, and I’m not hungry, but dang I want some sugar. I went to WalMart over the weekend and bought some dates, then came home and inhaled them like they were cupcakes. They did not do the trick and I’m kind of difficult to be around right now.

2. My body is aggravated. I hadn’t had any detox issues until Sunday when my body decided to just say NO MORE. Which was awesome because I was getting ready to take the tennis court. Of course it was hot, and we had to play THREE SETS, and I was starving. I finally broke down and ate the only raw thing available – broccoli. Not the best idea but I managed to get off the court without embarrassing myself. Well, other than the whole playing thing.

3. I’ve discovered my husband is cruel. I’ve been telling people for years that I’m fat because my of HIM and it’s true. I’m losing weight in SPITE of him. Today, he brought home two pounds of shrimp. He and Moon ate fried shrimp IN FRONT OF ME, then he had the nerve to pull out a box of Girl Scouts cookies. Seriously, people have divorced for less!

4. I’m out of ideas. I’m sure that raw food fans know all kinds of tricks for turning raw carrots into a pizza crust but I’m struggling to find things to eat. This morning I had a banana and a spoon full of canned mushrooms. Yesterday I made a “sandwich” by putting guacamole on two pieces of lettuce and wrapping a slice of tomato. No wonder my body is saying “no thanks”.

Oh, well. 15 more days and this will all be over and I’ll be lighter, and that is what’s really important. Plus, with a skinnier body, I’ll be able to find a much NICER husband.



Marriage Disco

We are now living with an “apparatus”. Moon went to the orthodontist this morning and they put wires  inside her mouth to create “space” which is apparently very expensive real estate. The good news is that she doesn’t seem to be in any discomfort. The bad news is now every piece of food/drink must be examined and discussed at length regarding her ability to eat it. We were told that she should avoid “sticky” foods like caramel and gum, but Moon refuses to be satisfied until she’s debated the stickiness of every single thing. Apparently an “apparatus” does not hinder speech.

The Tyres’ are good at speaking, so good in fact, we’ve been invited to moderate a panel discussion next week on MARRIAGE. We’ve been told that the couples will submit questions in advance for us to ask, but I’m thinking we’ll just shoot from the hip. Or better yet I could did out some of the questions from my old Newlywed Game.

Question: If you could make your spouse smarter or better looking, which would you choose?

I’m pretty sure JD would ask if both were an option.

Maybe this panel discussion will be the start of a whole new phase for JD and me. We can start a marriage blog, write a book, maybe take this show on the road.



Or maybe not.



Weekend with the Ladies

I had a fun weekend with Moon, my mom and Tania-the-Mad hanging in Tennessee. We were in town for another Vintage Fashion Show which is where mom takes vintage clothes I found in Atlanta for $3.00, puts them on models, then I buy them for back from her for $30.00 dollars. It could be worse; I could spend what Tania-the-mad does.

TTM brought some friends with her and they were AWESOME because they helped a lot, and gave me gifts, but mainly that last one. I now have tea towels for my kitchen and an Easter wreath for my door. At Christmas, they gave me a basket of washcloths. See what inviting people to your house will do? I’m sure cleaning supplies and bath towels are next.

I had a good time even though everyone involved decided to flaunt their wares in front of me. And by “wares”, I mean FOOD. Here’s a list of things I got to sit around and watch everyone else eat:

Sonic Chicken Strips, Baked Spaghetti, Chocolate Cake, KFC Fried Chicken, Macaroni & Cheese, Mashed Potatoes, Bacon and Chips.

Luckily, I brought my juicer along and had my usual carrot/apple/pear drink which was just as good I’m sure.

Yes, I have made it almost NINE days eating just raw fruits and veggies, and juice. The good news is that I feel great and my brain has adjusted and now thinks an orange is an appropriate snack. I can eat a half of a banana and feel practically full! The bad news is that I have not lost the appropriate amount of weight which I’m sure we can all agree would be 27 pounds. I ought to lose five pounds just for tolerating tonight’s dinner of mustard greens and mushrooms dipped in stir-fry sauce!

Tomorrow marks the 1/3 point. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS!


Just 20 more days to go.

If I die, bury me with a pizza.



No Comparison

So Spring Break happened. I’ve never been so glad that my daughter isn’t on Facebook as I was this week. Sure, I thought our trip to the Gone With The Wind museum was fun, but I didn’t know how it would compare to the trips that our friends had taken to the beach, Washington DC, or Disney. Right now all Moon knows is that she got out of school which is good enough, but what happens if she starts comparing us to other parents? You know, the ones who do cool things?

I’ve been thinking about comparison a lot lately. Unfortunately for Moon, I AM on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus and every other website in the world and I see kids all of the time that are doing SPECTACULAR things. A few months ago I saw a 14 year old boy giving a speech to a room full of adults. He was so well spoken that I immediately starting thinking, “We need to have more CONVERSATION at our house. Moon needs to take elocution classes!” That’s a real thing, right?

Before I could sign her up for those, I saw three brothers playing in a bluegrass band. The youngest was 10 and I thought, “Moon has got to start practicing the cello more! She’s never going to get a scholarship with ten minutes a day. Good parents would make her play more.”

Before I could get her extra lessons at the music shop, I saw a story about a kid who was an awesome soccer player/chef/singer/writer blah, blah, BLAH. It never ends! When I was young, the only kids that my mom compared me to were my cousins Ginger and Lisa Dawn and lucky for me that were as ridiculous as I was. There was great freedom in not having to live up to some SUPER KID standard.


Me and Ginger being equally awesome.

Me and Ginger being equally ordinary.

When did growing up get so serious? I remember when playing was the point. Making the varsity was exciting enough and no one was disappointed that the Olympic Committee wouldn’t be calling. That’s a real thing, right?

I’ve decided to get off the comparison train. No more pressure to be THAT parent with THAT kid. God has a plan for Moon and has instilled her with everything she needs to grow into that promise. I’m sure she’ll do fine, even WITH parents who think going to a museum based on a movie qualifies as a vacation.

Hey, it’s not like Ginger or Lisa Dawn took their kids anywhere special.