You Try It

I defy you to take FIVE kids to the lake for FIVE hours,  rush home, jump in the shower, play bridge, get home at 10:30 pm and THEN write a blog post. Or do anything requiring brain cells for that matter. All I wanted to do when I got home was hit the bed and sleep. Unfortunately I decided to write a new novel while in bed so I tossed and turned and thought about stupid things like, “plot” and “tension”. It was not the restful night for which I’d hoped. It was very frustrating and I might have kicked someone while yelling, “Get over on your own SIDE.” I cannot be held responsible for things I say or do in my sleep.

I woke up grumpy and made my way to the couch for an early morning conference call that got CANCELLED. So glad I jumped out of bed at 8:15! People are RUDE. But since I was up at the crack of dawn, I went ahead and got some work done and surfed the internet, but mostly that last one.

One of our friends stopped by to drop off some equipment for JD, and while he was there he noticed Gitzo. When we explained that she was almost 17 years old, he was like, DUDE! And, HIGH FIVE! Then he left and Gitzo and I walked into the house, where she preceded to fall on the floor. I immediately went to pick her up and that’s when she POOPED on my HAND. DUDE is right. My life is beautiful.

This afternoon, Moon’s tutor came over for a quick session. Moon has a couple of summer projects she had to do for middle school and I thought we’d better not wait until the last minute. Good thing ’cause Moon’s brain is definitely on SUMMER mode. The tutor was helping her with a math problem and when she asked what 4×2 equaled, Moon took a moment to think about it! Yeah, I’m thinking we’ll increase our tutoring schedule to ALWAYS.

Now I’m going to bed to read because I love to read. And there’s nothing on TV, cause as history has shown, if there was, I would have found it.

I know this is a lame way to end a post, but I kinda peaked with the whole poop and hand thing.

I Digress

Here’s why I never seem to find the time to clean house. First of all, I worked. Work has to be done on the computer, which led me to Facebook, which is when I saw that some people had commented on my update from last night about watching the Tony Awards.

Which led me to thinking about Neil Patrick Harris, and how when I saw him I thought he reminded me of someone but I couldn’t remember who. SO I had to spend some time running all of the people I’d ever seen through my head and finally it hit me. He is starting to look like that guy in that French movie with that French lady. So I had to Google French movies, but there seems to be a bunch of them, so I had to Google French actresses which FINALLY led me to Audrey Tautou, which led me to the movie, Amelie. THAT was where I saw the dude. So I Googled “Amelie cast” and found him – Dominique Pinon. WHEW.

So then I downloaded photos of both Dominique and Neil for comparison, re-sized and cropped the images and made them into a Photoshop document, made a JPEG, then emailed it to myself so I could work on it tonight.

See what I mean?

THEN I started thinking about Neil Patrick Harris and his hosting ability and how much I liked his opening but that it wasn’t as good as the 2011 Tony Awards skit where he and Hugh Jackman rocked da house! So I had to go to YouTube and find the video.

Wasn’t that awesome? And now you understand why my house is so dirty. I have to work hard to bring you people high quality blog material like this.

You’re welcome.

Have Mercy

Well, that was a weekend. Moon and I left early on Thursday, headed for the hills of Virginia, by way of WalMart and every other gas station and fast food restaurant on 75. We made great time until we hit Knoxville. That’s when we ran into SLOOOOOW moving traffic, also known as my mama. I really should learn how to get to my sister’s unassisted. Still, I suppose making it there slowly but safely is better than fast and dead. And if I’d died, I would have missed all of the fun!

The first night, my sister made a delicious dinner and we all sat around talking while Moon swam in Tania-the-Mad’s new pool. If we were they type of siblings to think of life as a competition, TTM would win, hands down. It’s not enough that she has to go out and get a pool like mine, she has to get one that’s WARM. Also, clear. Moon was all, “That’s what the bottom of a pool looks like?” Show off.

On Friday, we all got up and went shopping, Grundy style. FIRST, we went to the QVC overstock store where I bought Moon a pair of shoes that she won’t wear, and myself a new piece of luggage that will probably stop zipping before my next vacation. THEN we went to the As Seen On TV store for some sketchy looking SPANX. We had to get to TTM’s venue to start setting up for the vintage fashion show so we had to skip buying anything out of the back of a truck, but Mama’s going back in July so she’ll be able to outfit us with all the knock-off Coach products we need.

After spending HOURS putting out all of my mom’s jewelry, watching TTM pick it up and buy it, then getting out MORE jewelry to put on the tables, I was exhausted. Luckily I was able to eat a nice dinner and head right to bed. Out in the RV. One of these days I’m actually going to be allowed IN the house.

Saturday we all headed to the show. I was in charge of photography.

Interesting that my sister and Bertha found time to SIT and EAT. Must have been nice.

After the show, I watched the Ladies French Open Final even though it was 12 hours after the actual event, ate Joe’s famous ribs despite being vegan, then I went back out to my lovely bed in the condo on wheels. I. Was. Beat.

Sunday morning came MUCH too early, but Moon and I packed and headed home stopping only to go through the McDonald’s drive thru,  buy beef jerky, use the bathroom, get a Frosty, go to the bathroom, eat at Quizno’s, get gas, go to the bathroom, and eat at Subway. It was as lovely as it sounds.

Now I’m going to attempt to go to bed. I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep without the sound of coal trains vibrating through the thin, metal wall, but I’ll do my best.

Color Blind

Listen, yesterday? I can’t even.

At one point I looked in the mirror and noted that I was wearing a blue, polyester vintage bathing suit with a red, Coca-Cola shirt, a pair of purple and orange running shorts and crocks – one blue and one brown. I have no explanation for why I was wearing that particular ensemble, or why hours after seeing myself in the mirror I was still wearing it.

The day just kinda got away from me. Luckily I was able to pull it together in time to head to the bridge club where Patty and I tied for 2nd. We would have come in first but some other pair must have done something stupid and lucked into the top spot. Not that I’m bitter.

Today I jumped up and ran to the liquor store because I had a meeting with my writing friends and I wanted to pop an actual bottle of champagne to celebrate the whole “I got a book contract” thing. I also brought along some orange juice so we all sat around drinking mimosa’s and discussing books, writing and pretty much being fancy and high-falutin. Well, as much as you can be drinking champagne out of a red, Solo cup.

While I was out being a serious writer, JD mowed the front and back yard, THEN cleaned my horrible, crazy, chaotic office! Did I mention my love language is Acts of Service? He speaks my love language! At least once a month. As soon as I figure out what his is, I’ll do my best to speak it back. I’m hoping it has something to do with watching television.

Tomorrow I’m taking Moon and heading to Virginia. We’re going to help my mother and Tania-the-Mad put on a vintage fashion show. Maybe I’ll buy another bathing suit, one that matches my purple and orange shorts. I’ll also be taking some champagne. Not for me, but if I’m going to walk around in a bathing suit, everybody else better be drunk.

If Money Grew on Trees, Mine would have Blight

After Friday’s fun adventure on the water, I woke up thinking about how I NEEDED a bigger boat. Not a huge boat, but something that would fit 10 – 12 people comfortably, pull skiers out of the water three at a time, and maybe have a couple of necessities, like a heater and a bed. So I grabbed a cup of coffee and my laptop , settled on the couch and began searching the internet. When I didn’t find the exact thing I wanted for under $2000, I decided to jump up and run to a few yard sales. You never know what you’re going to find, amirght?

While I didn’t find a boat, I did have a new yard sale experience. As I approached one garage, the lady hosting the sale began picking everything up and putting it away. She leaned toward me and whispered, “I’m closing down. My ex is here and he’s pitching a fit!” Bummer. It didn’t stop me from looking around anyway, but between her yelling, “Put your crap in your truck right now or it’s going in the trash!” and him grabbing a camera and shouting, “I’m just documenting what you’re doing here!” I couldn’t find ANYTHING good. People are so rude.

Since the sales were a bust, I headed back home only to find that while I was away, my computer and my coffee had hooked up on the couch and not in a good way. Argh. I packed up Mac and headed to the genius bar sure that it could be fixed. And I was right. They COULD fix it for only EIGHT HUNDRED FORTY NINE DOLLARS! Yes, I screamed, what about it? I came home to talk it over with JD, also known as “Never met a Mac I didn’t want to own” and he said that since a new computer was only $400 more, we should just go ahead and buy a new one. Shocking. Good-bye boat.

Sunday, we went to church where our pastor talked about how our kids usually become what we are, (thanks for the great news), and then we drove back to the Mac store to make our purchase. I got to spend a pleasant Sunday afternoon reloading 85 programs, reinstalling my Outlook, and moving 9,243 gigs of important files that I had forgotten about and have no idea what they are.

Monday, Moon decided to let her Nexus tablet hook-up with the floor, which did not end any better than my computer and coffee date had. I thought when our pastor said she’d end up like us he meant SPIRITUALLY. We haven’t replaced her tablet yet, but I made her write a plan on how she’d pay us back if and when we do. Let’s just say she’s counting heavily on her birthday gifts from the grandparents to make any necessary payments. Wow, she really IS like us.

Pros and Cons of Owning a Beat-up Boat

CONS

1. You never know whether they will start/run/float.

2. They are a pain to get in and out of the water.

3. Half of the stuff doesn’t work.

4. The cracked seats pinch and hold water.

5.  Gas is expensive.

6. No cool shade/top means everyone gets sunburned.

7. The step is hard to get up on when getting out of the water.

8. Not much storage.

9. No enough room for everyone.

10. Not much power to pull skiers, tubers, etc.

11. You’re exhausted by the end of a day at the lake.

PROS

Not even close.