Come Monday

Nothing like a tiring weekend to make you look forward to a Monday. The fun started on Friday when I went to a writer’s conference and hung out with writers talking about writing. It. Was. Awesome. The only thing that would have made it better was if I had done any actual writing. Oh well, I’ll get around to that sooner or later. I went with my friend Sandy, then she dropped me off at Cracker Barrel where I had the first of MANY Mother’s Day dinners. I was starving and by the time the food got there I DEVOURED it, then went home and lay face down in the bed till morning.

I got up Saturday and started cleaning house because my brother said he might come over with Baby Allison. I figured cleaning the floor was easier then performing the baby Heimlich but I needn’t have bothered because he didn’t even COME. Geesh. It wasn’t a complete waste of time since my friend Kathryn came over for a walk, and Moon had a friend spend the night, but I’d rather used the time to watch TV, or sleep. Or anything else.

Saturday night we went to our favorite restaurant, La Parilla, for my SECOND Mother’s Day dinner. I was starving and by the time the food got there I DEVOURED it, then went home and lay face down in the bed till morning.

Sunday morning was Mother’s Day and it was as awesome as usual. It started with coffee and cards in bed, descended into a rushed and stressful morning trying to get everyone to church, which led to me and JD having an argument DURING WORSHIP. Let’s just say when the worship leader sang, Holy Spirit You are Welcome Here, I pointed at JD’s head. Luckily, somewhere between all the singing and the preaching, I found it in my heart to forgive him because I am holy like that. And I might have been a little bit to blame. It’s all a blur.

After church, we came home and ate, then Moon and I went to an estate sale for my mom. I’d already been to the estate sale on Friday for my mom, but since I still had money in my checking account, she sent me back for the 50% deals. I got her lots of vintage clothes and purses, jewelry, coats and a couple of wigs. Yes, surprisingly enough, the wigs were still there after 3 days. When we got home, Moon insisted that I have a special Mother’s Day dinner, and that JD should cook it. I wasn’t really hungry but I felt like I should eat it to be nice. So I pretended I was starving by the time the food got there and I DEVOURED it, then went to the bedroom and lay face down in the bed till morning.

So your typical weekend.

No such thing as a good Nazi

Work had a Low Country Boil this evening and I went wearing one black shoe and one brown one. I would like to pretend that’s atypical but let’s face it – it probably happens more often than not. What do you expect when you make a person that’s been working from home for the last 6 years suddenly start dressing up and appear in public? They’re lucky that I wasn’t wearing HOUSE shoes.

They weren’t the shoes I started with; I actually went out earlier in the day to meet my Radigals and I wore some Chuck Taylor’s, but since we went from cold and rainy to 112 degrees by the afternoon, I threw on something a little more breathable. This. Is. Riveting.

At Radigals, we had a nice holy discussion about Grammar Nazi’s and how I’d recently learned that saying one feels “nauseous” is incorrect. If you feel you are nauseous, you’re actually saying you feel like you are inspiring nausea in others. You probably mean to say you feel NAUSEATED. It’s a little confusing so I just vowed to say “I’m a gonna hurl” from now on. And I realize I ended that sentence with a preposition but Grammar Nazis need something to keep them occupied, amiright?

That nausea inducing conversation led to some other commonly misused phrases such as saying you’re on tender hooks. No, you’re on TENTERHOOKS.

Tenterhooks are hooks in a device called a tenter. Tenters were originally large wooden frames which were used as far back as the 14th century in the process of making woollen cloth. After a piece of cloth was woven, it still contained oil from the fleece and some dirt. A craftsperson called a fuller (also called a tucker or wa[u]lker) cleaned the woollen cloth in a fulling mill, and then had to dry it carefully or the woollen fabric would shrink.

Now don’t you feel better knowing that?

Writer Needed

Which one of you jack legs is going to write my obituary? I expect something like this.


Not that I’m planning on dying any time soon, but I’ve seen your comments and I’m thinking you might want to get started now.

Vacation Pass

I was chatting with the bridge ladies this evening about the usual – current events, the awesomeness of bridge, and men. I’ve been thinking lately about how men used to get to do fun things like sail ships across the ocean, conquer frontiers, fight Indians, kill animals for food and drink in saloons with women named Miss Kitty. Now the most dangerous thing they have to navigate is rush-hour traffic while drinking a grande half-caff.

Life has changed for women as well, but some how the fact that we now do laundry inside instead of banging our underwear against a rock in a river hasn’t diminished the fun of the endeavor.  Poor men.

So I’ve decided that JD can have a free Vacation Pass. Find an adventure, go on a trip, get your City Slicker on with a couple of friends, whatever. Here’s a quick list of a few ideas.

1. Running with the Bulls in Pamplona.

2. Learn to fly a helicopter in Alaska.

3. Rafting the Grand Canyon

4. Take a cross-country ride on a motorcycle.

5. Fly to the edge of space

Obviously I need to work a couple of things out before he can go, like money. Also, life insurance. But before you know it he’ll be off on a wild adventure and I’ll spend the time getting in touch with MY feminine side by doing laundry. Or going to a spa, whatever.

Bargain Hunting

Kittens, I am full. I just made JD go to Subway and buy me a FOOT LONG sandwich and then I ate it like he might change his mind at any moment and take it away from me. It’s been a rough day. My partner and I played tennis, and it was a PLAYOFF, and we needed to take 3 out of 5, and we lost the first 2 lines, then Sharon and I took the court so it all rested on us. Guess how we did? I blame Jesus. I TOLD him that if he didn’t show up and improve my skills it was going to be ugly and He was like, “Oh yeah, I KNOW.” Since I’ve known from the beginning of the season that we stink, I can only surmise that SHARON needed to be humbled. So, well done Jesus!

Other than THAT, it was a good weekend. Mom and the Aunts and the Cousin came to town and we kicked serious yard sale booty. Everyone found SOMETHING, and we even convinced AmmoGuy to go with us one morning. That was especially fun for me since I hadn’t realized how much better he was at driving/helping/arranging than I was until I heard him PRAISED non-stop for, you know, coming to a complete stop and buckling his seat belt.

Half of the ladies left early Saturday morning with a car load full of goodies, and the rest of us braved the downpour to find bargains. I found a perfect chair for my living room –

FIVE DOLLARS! That’s what I’m talking about. My mom and Aunt Fay found a couple of things too.

The back seat was full.

And the back, too. Luckily, Aunt Fay had already sent most of her things home with Cousin Karen. It was packed, but JD was able to rearrange everything in such a way that it all fit. It wasn’t arranged in alphabetical order or by color like AmmoGuy would have done it, but they managed to get it all home.

Detail Oriented

This is my last night before the onslaught – Thursday will bring my mom, the aunts and a COUSIN to the house for a weekend of estate sales and parallel parking. The house has been cleaned, but I didn’t go all crazy. By the time they bring in their finds from the first yard sale, it will look like it’s never seen a mop anyway, so why bother? This “close enough” philosophy permeates everything and everyone at Chez Tyre.

I was helping Moon study for a spelling test earlier today. “MOM! I know them already.” When I asked her to spell them for me, she said, “Well, not letter by letter. Geesh.” Yeah, she’s my daughter all right.

If I haven’t made this clear before, hear me now – I am so ready for school to be over. It doesn’t really matter what her grades are anyway, it all comes down to the stupid CRCT. So can we all stop pretending anything else matters and just have recess? Not that they are doing a lot – today was a “read in”. Moon read the first two chapters of Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech. Best. Book. Ever. If you like sweet books that will make you bawl, that is.

My goal for the summer is that we’d read more and watch TV less. Which is why I spent the hours from 5 -8 catching up on Comcast On-Demand, you know, to get it out of the way. My other goal is to lose 20 more pounds but since I had all that television to catch up on, I kinda missed my exercise window. Not to worry, I’m sure I’ll walk plenty this weekend as we go house to house looking for essential items.

Things I need:

  1. Summer clothing for Moon
  2. Books
  3. A chest of drawers with an Asian influence
  4. Miscellaneous household stuff

I use the term “need” loosely. I didn’t mean it letter by letter, geesh.