Clearing out your cookies

I admit that last nights blog post ended a bit abruptly, but I had developed a chest cold and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to make that funny. I was smart enough to drink some cough medicine before bed and got the best night’s sleep I’ve had since 2002, which just happens to be the year Moon was born. The good news is that I feel better. The bad news is I still don’t know how to make my day funny.

I spent most of the morning working on the computer, then headed to WalMart to get a few things. While I was there I decided to get some cookies. Yes, I’ve been on a diet for months, but while I was at my mom’s she told me that she treats herself to one cup of coffee and a cookie each day. What’s good for my mom is good for me, amiright? I bought some butter cookies that were 140 calories per serving and one serving is EIGHT cookies. Awesome. I came home and ate FOUR, dipping them in some yummy hot coffee, then left to go about my business.

This is what I found when I came back:

Over HALF of the box had been eaten. My conservative estimate is that someone ate FIFTY cookies. Initially, that someone tried to blame Moon, but I know something they don’t – Moon. Just a few days ago she tried a butter cookie and refused to finish it. The wacky kid doesn’t even LIKE butter cookies. The fact that the cookie eater has lost twice as much weight as I have over the last few weeks makes it even worse.

After the cookie incident, you’d think a certain someone would be too full to eat dinner, but since I made delicious rice and fake meat stuffed green peppers, they managed to find room. Not room for fifty, but still.

Instead of putting on my pj’s and resting on the couch like a normal person, I had to go to Moon’s new middle school for orientation. I ran into one of the other mom’s that I know only slightly. I’ve seen her a couple of times at yard sales, so of COURSE I asked if she was going to any this weekend cause there’s a bunch including Brookstone and my mom and aunts are coming here just for that so I’m sure she’ll be going, right?

Yeah, she looked at me like I was crazy, too.

Middle school is going to be a lot like elementary school apparently.

Bounce You

I woke up this morning inspired, maybe it’s the fact that the CRCT is over and life is good again, but for some reason I went to the gym. Willingly. JD had work to do, so I was on my own, but I had my Ipod, Louie Giglio messages, and some good music to run by. And I RAN. Like the wind! I actually ran TWO MILES without stopping which is pretty good for my fat self. It helped that there was a skinny woman running on the treadmill in front of me, and I was imagining her being all superior, and then I was all “Oh YEAH? I’m catching up, sister!” Then she got off the treadmill and since I sounded like I was teaching a Lamaze class, I let her go on ahead. I’ll catch up later, sister.

I came home and worked, and worked quickly, cause I had to pick up Moon a little early so she could go to a Girl Scouts Party at Bounce U. Being as it was the middle of the week, there was no one else there and the girls had a ton of fun. The party was from 1 to 6, FIVE HOURS, so my friend J and I turned to Netflix to pass the time. Of the thousands of movies available online, we chose this one:

Spoiler Alert – no one wins. Now you don’t have to sit through the whole movie.

You are welcome.

Weekend Roundup

Mondays are always hard, but even more so when you’ve had a fun weekend. Friday night we went to Supper Club, a once-a-month get together where we each bring a dish, have great conversation, and occasionally one or more of us drink the host out of all their good wine. It. Was. Awesome. Except for the person who now has to replenish their wine cellar.

Kathryn’s husband wasn’t feeling up to the event, so she rode with us. Do you know what too much wine will do? It will convince you that taking a selfie and sharing it on Facebook is a good idea.

Luckily, the actual image will convince you it is not.

Saturday morning I watched Baby Allison, and once again I was AGGRAVATED that AmmoGuy gets such a good kid. What happened to that whole Karma thing?? I did my best to let her do whatever she wanted, but I’m not sure my three hours was enough to spoil her. Although we did have a nice moment when I was changing her diaper and I explained that pooping was no big deal cause EVERYBODY poops, then we named all the people that poop. “What about daddy?” I asked. “Daddy POOPS!” I do what I can.

Our friend Sara was in from college for the day so we met her for lunch. She’s a sweet, 21 year old, Jesus loving girl, and I was excited for Moon and her BFF, Jemi to get to hear about what was going on in her life. At one point she told us about her new boyfriend and her first kiss. I told the girls to note that she was 21 before she started all that crazy stuff. Then I told Sara about a girl I knew who kissed her husband for the first time at the marriage ceremony. Did you hear that Moon, on her WEDDING DAY. Sara said, “Yeahhhh, I didn’t want to be THAT girl.”

Thanks for having my back, Sara!

Saturday evening, Moon and Jemi joined me at a local school where we made balloon animals. The girls were much better than I was, so I was basically regulated to blowing and tying. Moon loved it so much she’s considering a career in the Children’s Entertainment business. Since balloons are about .0001 each, I’m considering being an investor.

Sunday we went to church and listened to testimonies from our team’s recent visit to INDIA. They were on fire and amazingly enough, they all got up on the stage and said JD and I should move there immediately. You had to listen carefully to get that, but I knew what they meant. Afterward, we went with Kathryn and her recovered hubby, and Carolyn and the crew to La Parilla, where everyone ate a great meal, and no one had any wine.

I think someone learned their lesson the first time.

Balloon Animal House

Hello, Kittens! I feel like I’ve had a fairly productive day considering I haven’t done a lot. Despite my bad back, JD and I managed to get to the gym this morning and I ran/walked about 3 miles. I recently read the twitter feed of an obnoxious sorority girl and it included this gem –

Hey, lady on the treadmill at 3.7 mph, why bother?

Harsh. I made sure to put my water bottle in front of the mph area so smart-a%& girls could find something ELSE to tweet about. Maybe the fact that JD kept hitting his headphones and pulling his Ipod off the ledge and onto the treadmill, then watched helplessly as it shot across the gym floor? Distracting, amiright?

After all that tomfoolery, I came home, rushed through a shower and went to the bridge club. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to play. I was there to talk about the upcoming tournament in July, drop off some flyers, think about prizes, etc. While I was there I found out that there’s going to be a fundraiser for the Alzheimer’s Association called The Longest Day where you play bridge from sunup to sundown. The Longest Day? How about The Most Perfect Day EVER! You know me, I won’t rest till Alzheimer’s is no more and if I have to play bridge all day, every day, I will do it!

THEN I went to see the Radigals and we talked about all kinds of stuff that I can’t tell or they’d kick me out, or worse, tell all the stuff they know about me. But you should know they lie.

I picked up Moon from school and got the usual, “Yes, the test was easy. Yes, I’m sure I passed it. Can I have Subway, I’m STARVING.” I gave in since I had to stop at WalMart anyway, and while she was ordering, I bought balloons to practice making balloon animals. Our church is helping out at a local school festival and we’ll be painting faces and making legless balloon dogs, at least that’s what the kids will get if they are counting on me. WAY harder than it looks. Moon, however, has mastered the pinch-twist and has made dogs, a snail, a parrot and a multitude of swords. Plan B in case her confidence in her grades is misplaced.

The best of the night has to go to JD though.

It’s not Darth Vader, but it’ll do.


Oh, Friday. So close and yet so far. Well, you’ll be glad to know that I made it out of the house today wearing grown-up clothes. I had to go into work for a few hours which is where I sit behind a desk doing the exact same things I do at home only more uncomfortably.

My friend, John, always insists we go out for lunch, and we ALWAYS eat Mexican and I always get the same thing – soft tortillas and a side order of beans. And you were worried I wouldn’t have anything interesting to blog about!

After lunch, I had to get on home. I hated to leave, but I had to pick Moon up at 2 and I wanted to hear how the CRCT went. She said on a scale from 1 – 10, with 10 being super hard, it was a 2. The school has been prepping us for months about how this test was Armageddon on a piece of paper and Moon gives it a TWO? Thanks, Cobb County, 5th grade was made all that more special with the stress headaches and $900.00 worth of tutoring.

While I was perusing the internet, I ran across an old acquaintance from art school. She’s living in NY so I thought I’d drop her a line even though we fought like cats and dogs the short time I knew her. There was a point where I was driving down the interstate with several friends, her included, and I pulled over and began trying to hit her in the back seat, much like parents everywhere trying to swat an angry child. Odd, she hasn’t responded yet.

Tomorrow will be much of the same, except for the exciting excursion to the Mexican restaurant. I’ll try to keep detailed notes.

I mention liquor a lot.

Yawn. I’m sitting on the couch wearing a pair of jeans and my pajama top, the same outfit I scrambled into this morning to take Moon to school. I almost went full pj’s but since I briefly considered running into WalMart to buy coffee, I spruced up a bit. I finally deemed WalMart too much effort and instead made a cup the old-fashioned way with a filter. K-cups should come by the ton, amiright?

JD had a job this morning, so the whole “get Moon to school” thing was up to me. I managed to not only get her up and dressed on time, I even made breakfast. I only had 3 hours to make all that happen, so it was a close call.

Then I weighed, fell on the floor and cried, said a few words that I won’t repeat, and rebelled against the diet god’s by eating a scrambled egg. With cheese! Yes, it was vegan cheese, but still.

Later I worked a BUNCH. Mother, you’ll be happy to know that I created 8 different ads, wrote copy for a website, approved proofs, and generally earned the high salary I’m paid. And by “high salary”, I mean “We’ve got Curtis Mathis and it’s all paid for.”

I was supposed to play bridge, but one of the foursome wasn’t feeling well, so she bailed. She also happens to be the YOUNGEST member of the bridge club, so I’m guessing the “migraine” she needed to nurse was actually a tall, cold margarita. I’m on to YOU, Carolyn!

Moon has finished two days of CRCT testing and says that she’s aced them so far. We have three more days to go, and after that, I don’t care if she ever cracks another book. 5th grade, it’s been real, now bu-bye. If an EMP ever hits the US and the only way to function in society involves dividing fractions, I’ll just find something to trade for help. I’m not collecting tiny liquor bottles because they save space! I wonder if Moon prefers vodka or whisky.

And now I’m going to trade these jeans for the pj bottoms that are laying on the floor at the foot of my bed where I left them this morning and soothe my bad back with a hot water bottle. And by “hot water bottle” I mean a glass of wine. But you probably guessed that already.

Tomorrow’s goal – wear pants AND a shirt.

Happy Monday

I have big news, Kittens. You’re probably not going to believe this, but Sharon and I finally WON. At tennis! It was touch and go there for awhile. We were up in the first set 4-1, and they came back and beat us. Let’s just say I might have popped a blood vessel in my brain. I was doing my best to hold it together in the 2nd, repeating “serenity now” over and over again, and Sharon kept saying encouraging things like, “Get that look off your face.” Apparently, I’m an ugly loser.

Anyway, we won the 2nd set, 7 -5, and then we were home free. We totally crushed them the 3rd set, which was helped by the fact that one of our opponents was a little bit out of shape, and Sharon kept hitting drop shots to her, and lobbing her to make her run. I tried to tell her to lighten up, but you know how competitive some people can be.

It was a good finale to a busy weekend. Moon invited a couple of friends over to spend the night Friday. They had a lot of fun which mainly involved filling 72 balloons with water and soaking my entire house. Whatever works, amiright? On Saturday, we got up early and headed to the CPS Walk for Life. It’s was a chilly morning and we had to walk 3 miles, but the most uncomfortable portion of the day was when I had to hand in my support form and we only had 3. Obviously, fundraising is not my strong suit. But we still had fun, walking and waving our signs at the oncoming traffic. Once we were done THERE, we went to the Kennesaw Festival where Moon sang with her honor chorus and I stood in line for ten minutes to get 2 cases of free yogurt EVEN THOUGH I don’t eat diary. Free is free, amiright?

Saturday afternoon, the girls moved over to someone’s house for the night, so JD and I went to see Silver Linings Playbook. I LOVED it, but I love a lot of quirky films. Because they make you, I turned my phone to vibrate, then completely forgot about it. Which explains why I freaked out a few hours later when a car pulled into the drive. Turns out it was Moon. Oopsie. Seems one girl started missing her family and crying to go home, so Moon said she missed HER family and needed to go home, which made the host girl cry and beg them not to go home. See why I buy water balloons?

And that’s it. Now, all that’s left to do is get ready for the week. Moon’s CRCT starts tomorrow and I’ve got special breakfast foods to prepare and lunches to pack. And by all of that, I mean YOGURT.

That’s The Way The Ball Bounces

I’m in a bad mood. Again. It’s not my fault, it’s just NOTHING is going my way. Tuesday was “weigh-in”, that day of the week when all of my relatives and friends climb on their scales and lose way more weight than I do just to be hateful. I haven’t had a piece of chicken, a glass of milk, or a scrambled egg in WEEKS, yet here I am, Acworth’s version of Rosie O’Donnell. It’s enough to make a girl scream!

On top of that, I had to work today, again. It’s like it’s becoming a HABIT. People were calling me and asking for stuff and they needed it right now! What if I had previous plans, did you ever think of that? I didn’t have previous plans, but I so could have. People are rude, amiright?

Then after all of THAT, I had to drive across town and finish my tennis match. Moon came with me, and after it was over, I asked her what her favorite part was.

“When you fell down on the court, kicking your feet and having a tantrum.”

Oh. Well to be fair, it WAS match point. Our opponents hit the ball just over the net and I was THERE, ready to hit the ball. My partner took a swing and missed, then I JUST STOOD THERE, looking at it in what JD would describe as “like a hog staring at a wristwatch.” Choke, anyone?

When I got home, I took a long hot shower –  which was great except for the part where I had to get naked and I saw myself in the mirror. No wonder Rosie O’Donnell is so mean.