A List of 5 Random Things

1. I wore a leopard-print caftan all day yesterday. I kept hoping someone would bring me a cigarette and a martini, but no such luck.

2. The French Open is on and I’ve caught glimpses of my friend Novak Djokovic, but since ESPN feels it necessary to stop broadcasting it at 10:00 and I don’t get the Tennis Channel, I’ve had no significant French Open watching time. This counts for serious at my house.

3. MoonPie has been at her grandparents since Sunday. She and her cousin have gone swimming, had manicures and pedicures and as of last night, “caught seventeen frogs.”

4. I’m heading to Virginia today where I’ll meet up with Moon, the cousin, my mom and Tania-the-Mad. The Grundy Woman’s Club is having a fashion show to raise money. Nick Taylor has been notified and is ready to respond with how wrong they did it all.

5. I like a good vampire movie as much as the next girl, but this is just not doing it for me.

What’s next, George Washington, Werewolf?

Best Exotic Moviegoers

JD and I joined our friends Britt and Kathryn for a night out at the movies. We surprised Britt by seeing The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. The silly guy thought he was going to see The Avengers. As if!

He was a little concerned when he noticed the theatre full of octogenarians but JD and I assured him it was going to be a very cool movie. And since we were both wearing our kurtas, he decided to trust us. If we don’t know cool, who does?

Afterward, we went out for Indian food, where we all talked loudly of retiring to India, and how much we loved India and our next trip to India.

Which, in retrospect, was probably a bit tacky since it was Memorial Day.

Moron Test Kitchen – Watermelon Feta Salad

Last week, Mantamy served a delicious Watermelon/Cucumber salad that I’ve been dreaming about ever since. Today as I was walking through Publix, I noticed they were getting ready to prepare something similar, so I decided to give it a try.

First, quarter 2 pounds of watermelon, and set aside. I went seedless cause I am fancy.

Next, whisk together 3 tablespoons olive oil, 1/2 teaspoon of kosher salt, and 2 teaspoons white balsamic vinegar. (Just so you know, I used regular balsamic vinegar and sea salt and it was just fine. My fanciness has its limits.)

Chop 1 cup of red onion.

Cut 8 oz. of grape tomatoes in half, then mix with 3 cups of arugula and the onions. Add vinaigrette and toss to coat.

Add in watermelon and 4 oz. of crumbled feta cheese. That’s it!

Moron Test Kitchen – A++! Seriously, this may be the best thing I’ve ever made. The arugula is bitter by itself, but as soon as you put all of the ingredients together, it works. JD loved it, too. We had it for dinner, along with grilled portobello mushrooms topped with asparagus and corn on the cob.

By the way, I’ve lost 6 pounds in the last week and a half and JD has lost 11. Clean. Eating. Works. 412 pounds to go!

Moron Test Kitchen – Raw Chocolate Pudding

Sounds yummy, amiright? This is a clean eating recipe that my friend KEEKLE gave me. I’ve modified it as I am wont to do.

Here’s what you need:

One RIPE avocado chopped into chunks. If it’s not ripe, it will leave tiny green specks in your pudding. It doesn’t taste bad, but some people find that unappealing.

One banana, chopped into chunks.

3/4 cup of coconut milk. Keekle actually said to use 1/4 cup but it made the pudding a little to thick for my taste.

2 tablespoons of cocoa and liquid stevia to taste.

Put everything in a blender and mix until smooth.

Voila! This tastes like – banana chocolate pudding. Seriously. It doesn’t taste like avocado at all, and is actually very good! I made the mistake of putting too much stevia in the first batch I made and it had a bitter after-taste. Save that for last and put in a little at a time. Some recipes call for agave nectar instead, or even a cup of maple syrup. Play around with it.

Moron test grade – A. Sure I’m grading on a curve ’cause it’s RAW and I haven’t eaten real sugar in 10 days, but still. It’s CHOCOLATE.

Yeah, So This Happened

There are 100 things I worry about Moon doing – scary things like going to the bathroom at the movies by herself, or flying. But if I had listed last week all of the dangerous things she does, 4-wheeling would have been right behind showering and picking up pine-cones. Seriously. On a normal day, there’s a better chance she’ll slip while bathing or a tree limb will fall in our yard than of her wrecking on the 4-wheeler. I base this on 2 things. A) My extensive researched based on Facebook posts that show 99.9 percent of all 4-wheeling injuries happen to boys, and B) The girl considers trying new foods risky behavior. I can WALK faster than she rides. So where did it all go wrong?

We had high expectations for the weekend on Friday. I picked Moon up from school along with a friend for a sleep-over. First we went to a Girl Scout event where they cleaned out flower beds, dug holes, planted flowers and lay pine straw. It doesn’t get much better than that, amiright? Afterwards, I took them to O’Charley’s where they sat at there own table, laughing and talking and ordering a massive dessert. They told me to not even think about sending them to bed early. Girls. Gone. Wild.

They had so much fun on Friday, they convinced their mothers to let the fun continue all afternoon. They played Barbies, hung out on the swing-set, and rode Moon’s 4-wheeler. I went outside with JD to watch for awhile and it was all good, slow and steady as usual. Then I took her friend home at 2 p.m. This is when the trouble began. Moon wanted to stay at her friends house and play MORE. And because I am mean and enjoy making my daughter’s life miserable, I told her she couldn’t and would just have to come home and hang out with the family members that were all coming to the house for dinner, including her cousins, Alex and Nolan, who she ADORES and hasn’t seen since Thanksgiving. Yes, I am terrible.

Frustrated, Moon came home and decided she wanted to ride her 4-wheeler again. Here’s a parenting tip – Don’t let your children drive a 4-wheeler in a bad mood. Happy Moon slowly drives up the hill, makes a turn using the 40 yards of concrete we have at her disposal, then slowly goes down the acre of grass and turns around. Angry Moon flies up the hill, turns the corner, and guns it into a support pole, bringing half the carport down around her and traps her dad’s truck underneath the debris. Angry Moon is scary.

I was in the house when I heard a loud BOOM. For a split second I thought it was thunder and when I heard Moon and JD yelling, I opened the door thinking they’d been caught in a sudden storm. Even when I saw the roof, I didn’t get what had happened, instead thinking a tree had finally given up the ghost and landed on the house. Can I just tell you how happy I am that by the time I got outside, Moon was standing free and clear next to her 4-wheeler looking fine? Otherwise I’m pretty sure I’d be Kennestone’s newest cardiac patient. When it finally hit me that she’d been in the mess, I frantically began questioning her, “Are you okay? Does it hurt? Can you breathe?” Unbelievably, the girl didn’t have a scratch, not even a bruise! Thank. You. Jesus.

And the second I realized she was totally fine, I did what any parent would do. I took a picture for Facebook.

It’s a family tradition.

Fridays are Tweet

Today was better in that I didn’t have to show anyone the fine china. See previous post for an explanation. So on to better days! If you’re not on Twitter, you might have missed these.

As for Facebook, people seem to be saying that $100B is a small price to pay to avoid interacting with actual people. Andy Borowitz ?@BorowitzReport

When someone tells me they ran a marathon I usually ask “cool did you win” that usually shuts them up. Ken Jennings ?@KenJennings

Ugh, staff meeting insomnia. Tim Siedell ?@badbanana

Fell in the bathroom and hit my head today. Ambulance showed up before I could invent a flux capacitor. Will try again tomorrow. Stephen Colbert ?@StephenAtHome

Let’s decide right now as a society, how many cupcake places are we gonna need. Tremendous News! ?@tremendousnews

Enjoy your weekend!

5 Ways To Make A Bad Day Worse

Say you wake up fat, and with an appointment to see your FEMALE doctor. Normally, this would be bad enough, but you want to make it worse.

1) First, stop at Subway for a lettuce salad with a side of lettuce. While you’re there, go to the restroom and open the door to find a crazy, homeless man using the bathroom. Stand there flabbergasted while he tells you “It’s fine, come on in.” Go get in the end of the line so he can come out and stand right behind you, mumbling and asking you if the food is free today.

2) Leave Subway and stop by the local retirement community. Stop and chat with an elderly man, notice he’s gotten thinner. Laugh when he says that he eats and eats and doesn’t gain weight. Tell him you have the opposite problem. Listen as he tells you, “Yes, you’ve gained a pound or two.”

3) Head to your doctor’s appointment. Get weighed and realize that while your scale at home told you that you’re the fattest you’ve ever been, it was wrong. Watch the nurse slide the weight to four pounds PAST that. Go into the examination room and think fondly of days gone by when there was actually a changing area with a curtain and a real gown. Undress as fast as you can in the middle of the room then sit on the table wearing a paper vest open to the front and a paper sheet over your lap. Note that it doesn’t cover your behind, thus ensuring that it will the first thing your doctor sees upon entering.

4) Get your exam. In the middle of it, notice how the nurse comes halfway in, leaving the door open. Since there’s a mirror right next to the door, note that you can look down the hallway. Also note that people in the hallway can see you.

5) Go home, tell your husband everything. Listen as he tells you it probably wasn’t the best day for the people at the doctor’s office either.

One Way to Make A Bad Day Better

1) Smack your husband

Bad. Mood.

Kittens, this has not been my day. First of all, and it’s hard to admit this publicly, but I’m not a very good bridge player. Shocking, I know. But it’s the painful truth. Tonight my bridge partner didn’t even show! He. Stood. Me. Up. That’s cold, even for bridge players. So I played with some poor woman who drove an HOUR from Atlanta only to come in on the bottom. If you hear of an old lady driving the wrong way on the interstate that’s my partner, confused and/or suicidal from my poor play.

On top of that, I’m starving! It’s been three days of nothing but natural food and to what end? I’ve lost .04 pounds and JD has lost SIX POUNDS. We may not make it to our 16th anniversary, I’m just saying.

But who cares? Tomorrow is a new day, right? Wrong. I have an appointment at the, ahem, female doctor. I called on Monday to make an appointment, figuring surely it’d be a few weeks before they could take me, but NO. I have to have the only doctor that has openings in all of Marietta. The nurse had the nerve to ask me why I hadn’t been in since 2008. Hello? You’re a FEMALE doctor. Some people are dense. I can’t WAIT for them to tell me how much weight I’ve gained in the last 4 years.

On second thought, that old lady driving up a one-way street? It’ll probably be me.


Me: “I was watching this show where this woman had dementia so her husband put her in a retirement home and she started an affair with another patient. They both had dementia, so do you think that’s okay?

JD: Who are you and why are you on my spaceship?