Holy Sunday- Update

I’ve stopped writing Holy Sunday blog posts, or Stupid Saturdays for that matter, in an effort to use my time more wisely. Yeah, that’s really paying off. But I have been meaning to update on my VOW To Read the Bible All the Way Through without Reading Anything Else vow. I mentioned said vow to my pastor and he’s like, “WHAT IS UP WITH YOU AND THESE VOWS?”

The really good pastors speak in all caps.

I don’t know WHY I make vows, but I’m guessing it’s 30% legalistic, and 70% how else will I ever actually DO it? Then my pastor said, *”Have you read about the dude in the Old Testament who vowed to sacrifice the first thing that came out of his house to the Lord, and it was his daughter?”

Information I could have used BEFORE the vow. Anyway, I started on October 30th and I’m using the Chronological One Year Bible. I’m on July 26th, which means I’m a little ahead of schedule. I’m not going to lie, it was tough going in the beginning. Genesis and Exodus I’ve heard a bazillion times, and JOB, well, let’s just say a book editor would be like, “Uh, you’ve got to cut some characters. These friends are annoying.” But once I got into David, things starting going a lot faster.  The bible is interesting.I should tell someone. This thing could really catch on.

*My pastor actually knew the NAME of the vow maker/daughter sacrificer. Which google says is Jephthah.

Score!

This is true – most days I feel like I’m the star of my own reality television show. Today’s feature? Acworth Pickers. It’s a very exciting episode.

My mom and Aunt Faye drove into town today, parked in the driveway just long enough for me to jump in the truck, and off we went to a high-quality yard sale. What makes a high-quality sale? LOTS of stuff, low prices. Mom bought a bunch of glassware for .10 cents a piece. I love it when you pay a dime for a glass and the old dude taking money says, “I drank from those when I was a boy at my grandfather’s house.” I was like, “They had glass when you were a boy? I thought back then everyone just crawled around on all fours and lapped at streams.” You don’t get your own show by being sweet.

You know what we like better than cheap? FREE.

This is stuff my friends GAVE me to pass along to my mother. See, when you’re a famous reality TV star, you get certain perks. Like first dibs on things headed to Goodwill. My mom was THRILLED. I really am her favorite. Suck on that, Ammo-Guy and Tania-the-Mad. Jealousy is something we celebrities just have to deal with.

After the yard sale, we went to Value Village, where I got the DEAL OF THE DAY.

Earth Shoes. EARTH shoes.

The most defining feature of Earth® Footwear is a slight 3.7° incline – a unique design that positions the toes 3.7º higher than the heels. The natural angle re-distributes body weight – strengthening, toning, and engaging muscles throughout the body.

Yeah, baby! They look like they’ve never been worn and while they sell for over $100.00 online, I paid $2.99. See what the love of the deal will get you? Well, that and fearlessness where toe fungus is concerned.

Stay tuned tomorrow, when my mom says, “You want HOW much for that?” and we all laugh and throw them a quarter.

Lisa Lohan, Peace, Out.

Recap

I’m watching American Idol and since I have the voice of an angel, I feel uniquely qualified to comment on each contestant.

1. Naima. What’s the tune got to do with it, got to do with it? I was working at Mainstreet, wearing little black boots and pretending to be Madonna in 1984. Good times. What is she wearing? Off key and annoying.

2. Paul McDonald. I love you, Paul, but for the love of God, please stop dancing. You look like Barry Manilow on crack.

3. Thea- She’s beautiful and has a great voice, but is she 15 or 49? Liven it UP, Sister.

4. Yellie McScreamer. Uh, not my cup of Jack Daniels.

5. Haley. Yawn.

6. Stefano – I like cute Italians and he’s got a good voice, but he reminds me of frat boys from the college days. And I’ve never forgiven you Sigma Chi!

7. Pia -I’m sorry, were you singing? I was distracted by the satin, harem/jumpsuit thing you were wearing that managed to make you look three months pregnant. Your stylist is gay and wants you to fail. Seriously. I’m sure he’s hiding in a dressing room and voting for Stefano right now.

8. Scotty -I love Travis Tritt. He’s no Travis Tritt. But if I were 16, and still living in Zollicoffer, I’d probably be blowing kisses at the TV and writing our initials on my notebook.

9. Karen. I hope love will lead me back to when you first began singing and I can fast forward to the next singer. And singer has a soft G, not a HARD G.

10. Casey. I can’t hear that song without thinking of the one who did it best – Weird Al Yankovic. Bring back the stand-up bass. Man, I’m like Casey’s bowels tonight. Irritable.

11. Laura. Better than last week, but not great. When are you going to bring it? I don’t pour my heart and soul into Wednesday nights for you to phone it in!

12. Jacob. Sigh. At this point, I’d rather hear Jennifer Lopez sing some Selena.

I miss Simon.

Wednesday

Let’s face it, no one cares if I lose two pounds or stress eat an entire sleeve of Thin Mints in an hour. But you can go ahead and guess which one I did.

My day was not really all THAT stressful, but I slept poorly, woke up with a bad headache and an even worse attitude. Being with me 24/7 must be so much fun. Anyway, one of my major accomplishments of the day was finally getting to the store for some coupon action. I was fuming about half way through because of all of the greedy couponers who had been there before me and emptied the shelves. Isn’t that rude? But then I decimated the dog treat aisle with my NINE coupons and realized the fault really lies with the store. If you put it on sale, perhaps you should buy some extra! Hello? Coupons cut my bill from $68.00 to $32.00, so WINNING. Yeah, I’m gonna beat that to death.

JD and Moon did what they do every day – freak me out.

MoonFreakingMeOut

If fear burned calories, I’d be a size 0.

Stepping Up

Remember when my brother had a blog? It was FAIRLY funny. Then he stopped, but told us all not to worry – he’d post pictures every day. Uh huh. Luckily, he has me to help. I’m always there, picking up his slack. RimFire’s birthday party –

Best present ever – skates. Just because they’re from me doesn’t make it less true.

A zebra folder from AmmoGuy. Wow, very nice.

Yeah, that’s her in the photo with all the RAW wrestling people. We’ll assume it’s photoshopped.

Someone was peeved they couldn’t eat the pizza.

Yummy cake, I think. I only had seven pieces so I can’t say for sure.

Demon bowling.

Bumper cars. They got the hang of it pretty quick. Imagine two kids backing up, then going as fast as they can at each other. Over and over and over.

Obviously one of these girls has spent more time posing for her Charlie Angel’s poster than the other.

Picture all of the above happening, for HOURS, while head-splitting music is roaring in the background. Then empty AmmoGuys wallet. It’s just like being there!

K.I.S.S.

So I’ve been saying for a year that I need to simplify. Today at church, which I’m pretty sure makes it biblical, I was thinking that this was the day I’d go home and clean out my closet. Again. Remember this? As I was walking OUT of church, a friend came up and asked me, “So how are you doing with your goal to simplify things?” What’s next, a burning bush?

Can we just have a moment of silence for how sad my little accordion-door closet is? I’m the only woman in America who does not have a walk-in. If this isn’t perfect for Extreme Makeover- Home Edition, I don’t know what is! Someone should nominate me.

Anyway, here’s what I did. I threw everything I owned on the bed, then I invited my husband in. HE got to say whether I kept it or not. He could ask anything he wanted – last time I wore it, does it fit, where I would wear an orange cowboy hat – then say yes or no. And he was really shy about expressing his feelings – “That color makes me want to puke. Do you WANT your butt to look a yard wide? Are you still a heterosexual?” With his “encouragement”, I got rid of 17 pairs of shoes, and four bags of clothing.

Some of it were things I had just BOUGHT. But he was brutal.

Let’s face it. Nothing is going to make this closet look good, but at least I have simplified my clothing choices. It’s nice to be able to see what I have, and know that it fits. I feel pretty good about all of his decisions and I didn’t fight too hard for any one item. Well, except the orange cowboy hat. College football is just around the corner. As soon as I bedazzle a U and a T on that sucker, we’ll be ready to go.

American Biggest Idle Loser

Now that’s a title I could win! I love reality TV, but I wish they’d come up with something other than the “vote off.” Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a show where one person drove around and found another person to vote ON? Then the two of them could go out and bless another person by voting THEM into the group. I would like to offer my services as the first person. One million per episode is my final offer. Winning, duh!

Is that played out yet?

I don’t know because I gave up 90% of the blogs I read for Lent. I kept the fashion one because, let’s face it Kittens, I need help. How am I supposed to get out the door if I don’t know what the Alexander McQueen Fall collection is about?

Speaking of clothing, JD did laundry today and was complaining about the amount of clothing we have. There were three baskets full. Turns out TWO of them were full of his clothing, particularly t-shirts. I counted at least 16, and his drawers have more. It’s a sickness. The third basket had MoonPie’s clothes, and about five sets of my pajamas. Yes, I wear a LOT of PJ’s. I’m kinda like Hugh Hefner except for the publishing empire and semi-clad lady friends.

My sister-in-law sent me a link to a cool website. There’s a project to simplify your life in 5 weeks, starting with your closet. That sounds like a great idea. I’ll be sure and forward it to JD. I’m already wearing PJ’s and skipping showers. How much simpler can my life get than that?

Guest Blogger – Foxy Roxy

I mentioned in a post a few days ago that I was TIRED, and could really use a blogging break. Luckily, my friend Roxanne actually READS my blog and offered to help. A disclaimer – her post is actually helpful and educational. There’s not one mention of my expanding butt. Don’t get used to it.

Can You Learn to Have a Green Thumb?

Guest Blog by Roxy J

For the first time in my life, I am growing a vegetable garden from seeds.  I’ve had some success with tomato plants and herbs in the past but I bought established plants and only had to keep them alive for a few months through Summer. My experience with house plants is another story. Torture is the word that comes to mind.  When it comes to watering – it’s either feast or famine.  Either way, definitely a case of survival of the fittest. Before I throw a party, I buy new house plants for the occasion. I think you get the picture. So imagine my husband’s surprise when I told him I was growing a vegetable garden this year… from seeds.

What got me started on this quest?  I watched the documentary, Food, Inc.  and learned that most of the vegetables you buy today in the grocery store don’t have the same nutritional value they did even a decade ago.  Most vegetables you buy are from GMO seed which has been modified to grow faster and resist insects. The food starts loosing nutritional value the moment it gets harvested until the time it appears on your dinner plate.

I’ve been reading articles on the Internet, checking books out at the library, along with talking to gardeners and reading their advice on the Internet.  It’s amazing the resources that are out there and the gardening decisions to be made … What types of fruits and vegetables do you want to grow? How much space do you have for your garden and does it get a lot of sunshine?  What growing “zone” do you live in? (This determines when to plant and may limit what you can grow.) Are you growing from containers or planting in the ground?  Is your soil acidic or alkaline, sandy or clay?  I’ve found that soil seems to be the most important element.  Of course sunshine, good seeds, and water/drainage are also important.  But having the right type of soil and pH for the seeds you’re growing is essential.  I have a whole new appreciation for peat moss and composting to help the soil.

I researched non-GMO seeds and learned about heirloom seeds. After you plant the seeds and harvest your crop, you can save seeds for the following year. So you have fresh vegetables that taste great (much better than what you buy at the grocery store) from your healthy, organic garden and you have perpetual seeds.  That’s the plan anyway.

I bought seeds from El Dorado Seeds. <www.eldoradoheirloomseeds.com> Home Depot had grow lights, seed starter soil, potting soil, peat moss, and plant food.  From Burpee, www.burpee.com I bought a Seeding Heat Mat (48×20), a cool “Pot Maker” using recycled newspapers, and Organic Sea Magic Growth Activator.  Burpee has a lot of gardener’s gadgets and I was tempted by the Sun Calc and the Electronic Soil Tester.  So if you’re wondering, a Burpee Gift Card would make an excellent Birthday present for the gardeners in your life or pinch-hitting guest bloggers.

I hope this encourages you to grow your own vegetable garden.  Please make a comment if you have any tips for growing lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, green beans or broccoli. I know from history that I don’t naturally have a green thumb – which adds the element of surprise to this experiment. It could go either way….

Weight Watchers Whatever

Since I was really good last week and didn’t lose a pound, I decided to be very mature about it and eat anything and everything I saw. Hamburgers? Sure. Fried Chicken? Absolutely. A box of Tagalongs? You get the idea. For this weigh-in, picture me strutting to the scale in my latex two-piece, shooting Bob and Jillian the bird. And the scale says: ZERO lost, ZERO gain. I call that a victory.

WhatEVER. I’m trying something new. I mean old. I’m going back to the old point system. But first, I’m going to do the Tracy Anderson diet for a few days. Unfamiliar with Tracy? She’s the bean pole who got Madonna to look like a gapped-tooth skeleton. Her diet promises you ‘ll lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. I did it for one week last year and lost 5 pounds. I think I’ll try it for a few days, THEN start WW. Yeah, that’s totally going to work. Here’s a week of Tracy:

Sunday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
Lunch
3 oz grilled chicken breast — or fresh turkey breast (no deli meat!) — with ½ cup each of chopped cucumber and tomatoes
Snack
1 cup mixed berries (try raspberries, blackberries and blueberries)
Dinner
1 cup organic pasta with ½ cup steamed spinachMonday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain—or vanilla—nonfat rice milk
Lunch
2 hardboiled eggs with ½ cup each of baby carrots and cherry tomatoes
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled sea bass with ½ cup steamed spinach

Tuesday
Breakfast
1 cup steel-cut oatmeal made with water and ½ cup fresh blueberries
Lunch
3 oz grilled chicken breast — or fresh turkey breast (no deli meat!) — with ½ cup each of chopped cucumber and tomatoes
Snack
1 cup mixed berries (try raspberries, blueberries or red grapes)
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled salmon with ½ cup steamed broccoli

Wednesday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
Lunch
½ cup each of fresh spinach, beet root, tomatoes and cucumbers, with 2 tsp tahini
Snack
1 snack cup of sugar-free Jell-O
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled chicken breast with ½ cup steamed spinach

Thursday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
Lunch
2 hard-boiled eggs with 4 to 5 celery sticks and 4 to 5 carrot sticks
Dinner
1 cup penne pasta with ½ cup each of steamed spinach and chopped steamed tomatoes

Friday
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
Lunch
3 oz fresh turkey breast with ¼ cup each of cucumbers, alfalfa sprouts and beets, plus 1 slice whole-grain bread
Snack
1 cup fresh strawberries
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled sea bass with ½ cup steamed fresh green beans

Saturday
Breakfast
2 poached eggs with 3 slices veggie bacon
Lunch
1 whole-grain wrap with ¼ cup of chopped avocado and ½ cup each of chopped cucumber and tomatoes
Snack
10 to 15 red grapes
Dinner
3 to 5 oz grilled chicken breast with ½ cup steamed spinach

All I remember from last time was being hungry. All. the. time. But I HAVE to get serious. Summer is just around the corner, and you don’t get to look like Madonna by stuffing your mouth with Girl Scout cookies.

Or anything else apparently.

What’s Up?

Cause I got nothing. I think I should have guest bloggers post every now and then, just to shake things up. Qualifications? You must be able to type and no obsessing over weight or bad cooking, cause we’ve got those topics covered. Other than that – have at it.

I haven’t blogged in a few days, and in case your wondering if you missed something, it would have gone something like this:

I’m tired and think I’ll go to bed. Hey look, it’s 8:30. Nothing like beating your nine year old to bed.

A friend of mine thinks I’m depressed. What other explanation could there be for a woman wearing a bathrobe, sitting in her messy house and taking naps during the middle of the day? It’s not like I’m lazy and carbo-loading for crying out loud!

Oh wait, I AM. Maybe I’m tired because my diet has gone to Hades, OR my diet might have gone to Hades because I’m so tired. Either way I’ve been feasting on sour cream & onion chips, Tagalong cookies and beer. Yeah, that would put you in a coma. While I’ve NOT been blogging, I have been READING a lot of blogs so that should count for something. Here’s my take on what’s happening in the world.

1. On the Zollywood scale of insanity, (1 – 10) Charlie Sheen is a 12. On the Hollywood scale, a 3. Remember Tiger Woods? Tom Cruise? They probably all have goddesses at their beck and call. I may be a bit cynical.

2. You now need a loan to buy gas and food.

3. I like Paul McDonald, Casey Abrams, and Lauren Alaina.

4. Gwyneth Paltrow is getting a record deal. It’s nice to see a rich, white girl with famous parents and a famous husband get ahead for once.

5. I had a sexy dream about Herman Cain. Okay, that’s not happening in the world, just my head, but I thought it was worth noting. Maybe it’s prophetic. Or maybe I spend way too much time reading political blogs.

That’s it. Time for me to go dunk a cookie in my beer and prepare for bed. And yes, I realize some of you are reading this mid-morning. Still works.