What I saw on Netflix

Because inquiring minds want to know. Or maybe they’d rather hear what I ate and how much weight I gained? That’s what I thought.

From the World of Television – Drop Dead Diva

I know I’m shallow, but I thought the series was cute. Mainly because the actress who plays Jane is so darn good. She really makes you believe there’s a size 2, Fashionista inside there somewhere. The only problem? Netflix only has the first season. Now what am I going to do all day?

For the children – Liberty’s Kids

You know how your child has a few days off from school and instead of going to Disney World or someplace cool, you give her the Netflix remote and because you don’t want to feel guilty about it you turn her on to some educational cartoon so you can call it “review”? This is similar.

Movie – Shades of Ray

Maybe the story of a half-white, half-Pakistani guy who may or may not be engaged doesn’t sound funny to you, but you’d be wrong.

Or maybe I have a strange sense of humor, whichever.

Couponing Math

For all of you who are A) doing Weight Watchers and B) within driving distance to a Target, I’ve got good news. Target has Smart Ones on sale for $1.80, not that big a deal, they are normally $1.99. BUT, they are also having a sale on their frozen items, buy 7 and get a $5.00 gift card. Pretty good. AND there is a booklet at Publix now that has manufacturers coupons in it – one of which is Buy 10 Smart Ones and get $4.00 off. Awesome. PLUS, I just happened to have a buy 5 Smart Ones and get a free breakfast.

Which means I bought TWENTY-ONE frozen WW dinners for 29.00 AND got  (3) $5.00 gift cards back, so…21 for $14.00 is .66 cents each.

I could figure all that out in 30 seconds at the frozen food section of Target but couldn’t pass Algebra II. I’ve obviously gotten smarter in the last decade. Or three.


1. AmmoGuy came by today and picked up my husband. They were together for about 2 hours and he managed to get JD to spend $120.00 dollars. He is officially uninvited to future play dates.

2. I’ve mentioned that I read a fashion blog written by two gay guys. They were critiquing what an actor wore out on the street and wrote, “The jacket is  too tight and the t-shirt is too long.” I showed JD the picture of the guy and he said, “The jacket is  too tight and the t-shirt is too long.” If he starts calling people “kittens”, I’m going to get him his own blog.

3. My mother and my sister bought Girl Scout cookies from MP. Then they said they’d give me the money but to just keep the cookies. I hope they double their order next year.

4. I read today about a woman that is 103 and she’s never been married or had kids.  My friend, Manila Bay Land lived to be 102 and she never married. I’m just saying.

5. The boys on American Pickers use the term, “Junk Drunk”. Hello, my name is Lisa. I’m a junkoholic. It really IS hereditary.

Weight Watchers Wednesday

I used to hate Mondays. Now I have TWO days to dread. Why is dieting so hard? Why don’t bananas taste better? Why aren’t sour cream and onion potato chips 35 calories? Why am I sitting here writing this and craving a milkshake?

Can I take a moment and change the subject? I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser and I’m really aggravated. One team, FEARFUL that they’d lose the weigh-in competition, gained weight on purpose so that they could send the parents  home instead of their children. Had they just LOST weight, they could have all stayed. I’m officially Team RED now. Obviously this makes no sense to any of you who don’t watch, but the point is, it’s always easier to tell OTHER people what they need to do regarding their diet. No, the point is, FEAR of what may happen, is stupid. I don’t know, is it Thursday yet?

Shall I get on the scale? Oh wait, here’s ANOTHER distraction.

I found this photo of me and my brother. It was probably taken about 15 years ago. What I LOVE about it, is that my brother looks like he’s actually hugging me. Typically, he’s more of a “courtesy” hugger. If he sees you coming at him, arms wide open, he’ll allow you to move in, then he’ll give you a quick pat on your back, just one, then you need to move along. I love how sweet we look. Oh, who am I kidding? I just love that we look young and thin! I want to be thin again! If only there was a way.

Fine, here I am, on the scale. Total weight loss this week – half a pound. ARGGGH!

Could someone PLEASE post your everyday menu for me? I can’t get my groove going. What do YOU eat for lunch and dinner? For breakfast, I’m having regret.

A Tip

I love my bridge partner, Patty. NOTHING fazes that woman. She’s a great, Christian lady who never says a bad word about anyone. The perfect compliment to me! A few years ago, we took a road trip to play at a bridge tournament in St. Simons. So. Much. Fun. The last day we were playing on what’s called a Swiss Team. Here’s all you need to know about that: normally you’d play 3 or 4 hands against a couple, and then you move to the next table. This is awesome if you run into an annoying partnership. You play a few hands and then you’re rid of them. But in Swiss Teams, you sit and play the same couple for a bunch of hands, like SIXTEEN. If you get stuck with a couple of duds, then it’s excruciating. Patty and I should know.

There we were, playing against this man and his wife, and the husband got REAL annoyed with me. First of all, he was trying to rush me. I HATE being rushed. “We’re going to get behind, They’re going to call the round, Blah, Blah, BLAH.” I was giving him my “whatever, DOOFUS” look. Some hands are harder than others to play, it all works out in the end, so just shut IT!

Then his partner made a stupid bid that made me NOT bid, and when I found out that she had led me astray, I called the Director. That’s right, I called the DIRECTOR. The director is like the referee. You raise your hand, yell “DIRECTOR” loudly so that everyone looks up to see what’s causing the disturbance, and then you tattle. Dude was really wishing he was at another table at this point and he was quite obvious about it. If you’re wondering how anyone could ever find me annoying, then allow me to introduce myself. Thanks for stopping by!

Anyway, the dude was unhappy. Then it happened. My phone rang. See, when you sit down to play bridge, everyone makes a big deal about how you should PLEASE turn off your phone! A ringing phone is a big no-no, the DIRECTOR can do bad things to you because of it. So I immediately turned around in my chair, leaned over the side and began frantically digging through my huge bag to try and find my phone. That’s when, well as Patty tells it, I exposed the table to my “butt crack” for five minutes. Yeah, I might have mooned our opponents. When I finally got my phone turned off and back to the table, Patty had a huge grin on her face. The wife looked like she had broken a crown off her back tooth, and DUDE was looking at his cards, his hands, anywhere but at me. Patty says this was not the case only moments earlier when he got an EYE-FULL.

Needless to say, we won. I’m pretty sure that dude has never played bridge again. Whatever. A girl’s gotta use what’s at her disposal. And this baby’s got lots of back.

Is it over already?

How can it be Monday? I REALLY need one more day. Can we all just agree to make this Sunday 2.0?

Friday, the Moon stayed home from school, JD moaned around all day, I had to work. Work,even though, and I think I’ve made this perfectly clear, I was sick TOO. By Saturday, the two of them were feeling well enough to leave the house, and I spent the day doing what I usually avoid like the plague – cleaning. That’s right, while at death’s door, I somehow managed to strip the beds, fold laundry, clean up all of the used tissues, and sweep. For the first time in months I’m actually low on cleaning supplies. That almost never happens. Seriously, I probably spend $32.00 a year and that’s mainly on those stupid Swifer refills.

Sunday we went to church and then I came home and took a nap. When I woke up, JD had taken the MoonPie to a friend’s house, and I was all alone. So sad. I had to just crawl BACK in bed and nurse my devastation through hours and hours of NetFlix.

Side note, what I saw over the weekend: Happy Accident, strange but I like strange, The Karate Kid, new version with Will Smith’s son, and Ondine, also strange but good if you like strange.

How am I supposed to work after that? I can’t just start doing all of the creative stuff I do with no warm up. I need at least one day of work stretching. I don’t want to pull a muscle. Here’s what I’ll do, maybe start slow by leaving a comment on a blog or two,then I’ll  ‘like” someone’s Facebook status, next, a pithy email to an old friend. That ought to do it for tomorrow. Then by Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest, I’ll be up and running at full speed.

Now I’m going to lay down. I sat up too fast and the room is spinning. You have my permission to take it slow too. Let me know if you need a note.

And there was one

Yesterday I mentioned reading with one of MP’s classmates. What I didn’t mention was that he was snorting, sniffling, coughing and hacking the entire time. I kept thinking to myself, “wash hands, wash hands, wash hands!” I didn’t do it, but I thought about it. So when I went to bed last night sneezing and and sniffling I figured I was due for a sick day. Not that I could take one, but I was DUE. I just had to finish a few jobs, do a late night meeting then come home and crash.

On the way home I called JD. Turns out Moon complained of a stomach ache, and just as he was taking her into the bathroom, she threw up. Awesome. She was barely vertical, when JD threw up TOO. He cleaned up the two of them, the bathroom, and the surrounding area then they both went to bed.

I know, I was shocked too. JD cleaned the BATHROOM.

So Mom, since it’s clean and all, I’d like to formally invite you to visit for the weekend. And on your way, could you stop by CVS?

Live Steaming

I think I need a different blog, one under an assumed name so I can REALLY share how my week is going. For people who don’t know me and won’t judge me for stomping my foot and telling my husband that this is the worst day EVER cause he didn’t make me any lentils. My life is hard and I need to vent, obviously.

Blogging the truth will get you in trouble. Ask that teacher that’s been all over the news. The one who blogged about her students and got suspended. Man, if I were a teacher I could get some good material! Today I went to MP’s school and read with a couple of kids in her class. It really makes you wonder what goes on in 3rd grader’s brains. I’m listening to this sweet boy read the story of Peter Cottontail and he gets to a part that says, “he walked boldly toward,” and reads it “he walked to the bloody tower”. Uh, what? The Peter walked in front of his COFFIN, or cousin, whatever. Do young kids just read and think, “hmm. Bloody towers, bunnies, coffins – makes sense to me”?

Makes as much sense as anything else I guess. Like how JD’s computer could just DIE with no warning. We didn’t even know it was sick! Or how I could work all day and all night and STILL have more to do. Or how my dogs can leave so much hair on the floor and not be bald. Or how Demi Moore can look like this in a bikini at 48. Life is a mystery. But if you figure out that last one, let me know.

Weight Watchers Wednesday

I have three words for you – Girl. Scout. Cookies.

Like I needed anything else to derail me. My week was so busy that I didn’t have time to go to the grocery store. Stress + junk food = me standing at the refrigerator eating icing out of the jar. It’s what I HAD.

I think the EIGHTIES dance sent me into a little bit of a funk. Hey, it was a good time, despite my hair. I was young, my parents paid all my expenses, love was in the air. Not that I was in love, but some of the most famous couples in the world met and married during that decade.

Madonna and Fiasco

Luke and Laura, proving a little thing like rape can’t stop true love,

Prince William’s parents.

What does this have to do with Weight Watchers Wednesday? Epic Failure.

Grand total loss this week – ZERO. So, how did you do?

That’s a Wrap

I had planned on doing nothing Friday, not even showering, but my mom gave me a gift certificate to the nail salon, so I thought “Why not?” Because Cousin Karen had also gifted MP with one, I took her along. I’m nice like that. MP went with the neon purple, while I got the traditional Valentine’s Day red.

I had also planned on staying home Friday night, but when I picked up MP from school, she BEGGED me to take her to the school dance. The school EIGHTIES dance. Since we had beautiful nails, I thought “Why not?”

MP couldn’t believe it when I told her what we used to wear. She’d never even HEARD of Flashdance. So sad.

Once there, she asked for a cool, shredded t-shirt and since you can never have too much EIGHTIES clothing, I said, “Why not?”

MP wanted me to dress up too and I thought, “Why not?” Then I put on my sequined blazer with shoulder pads and gave myself Farrah Fawcett hair. Oh, that’s WHY not. Turns out dance parties today are just like they were in the EIGHTIES. I looked like an idiot and no one asked me to dance. So sad.

But then I went home and put on my leg warmers and danced like a maniac.

Why not?