Feel better about your own brand of crazy

I may not be completely healed yet from this fear thing. On Thursday I flew to Florida. It’s been well-documented here that I have a fear of flying. Okay, fear of crashing, fear of smashing into the ocean, fear of being eaten by sharks, fear of…you get the idea. But I am trying to recognize when I’m heading down the old, fearful path. I’m sorry to say, I’m starting to see familiar signs.

Question 1: When flying, does EVERYONE leave the spare key to the car out in a prominent place so their spouse can find the vehicle at the airport in case they don’t make it back? If not, why are you so RUDE? Do you know how much a spare costs now days?

Question 2: Am I the ONLY one that writes a sweet, poignant paragraph in my journal on the day I’m leaving in case I die so the pastor will have something to read as in, “On her last day, she was only thinking of others when she wrote, “I hope I can bring joy to everyone I meet today”? In reality, I can be sure I will die on the Sunday I write, “this is a boring sermon, I’m distracted, the guy in front of me looks like Sean Cassidy, hubba hubba.” Although that would make the funeral way more interesting.

Question 3: Have you ever Googled “Can you have a stroke without realizing it”? Well, you CAN. So perhaps THAT explains something you’ve been doing. Who’s crazy now? I just diagnosed your problem!

Whatever, so I’m crazy. Deal with it. I’m not the only one. John told me on this trip who he wants to conduct his funeral. I only have TWO wishes upon my death. If I write them now, I won’t have to leave instructions every time I leave to do something dangerous and crazy like flying Jet Blue.

1. Upon my death, no one is allowed in my house until my mother has had three days to clean, hide and destroy. She’ll know WHAT when she sees it.

2. Pictorial slideshows are permitted, but under no circumstances may my brother and sister be allowed to choose the photographs. I don’t want a twenty minute display of college debauchery and spring-break shenanigans for the world to see. Not that there are any photos of stuff like that. (Mom, see #1).

In a totally unrelated note, I hope my prayer group can get together this week. Some people have real issues.

Out with the new, In with the Old

I’ve been up since 3:45 a.m.,worked practically 8 hours, and am now catching up on the Grey’s Anatomy finale which is totally FREAKING me out. But since you all hated my very professional, very boxy new blog I’ve returned it to it’s previous glory.

Because I am exhausted from my day of this thing called “work” I only have this new insight, revealed on my 6th plane ride in a month: I will accept anything on a plane as long as it’s free – cookies, nuts, cokes, headphones, wet wipes, pasta, chicken or cheese – and I will eat it. Except the headphones and wet wipes, those I just hoard.

Growth

It was March of 2009 when I posted these pictures –

Wow! Remember how crazy short it was? A few months later I took these –

The one on the right was after three months – it wasn’t much but at that point we were celebrating every quarter inch. It’s been 14 months since that crazy day and we have come very far.

A cute kid no matter what the hair length. Still, I prefer it longer.

Me: Are you ever going to cut it yourself again?

I sure hope that’s a no.

Errand Girl

Here’s the deal, I HATE running errands. I pretty much hate anything that requires me to get off the couch. Hello, Couch Potato? You’re moving too fast, slow down! Since my husband loves to get out of the house, (wait..what?) I usually just ask him – “on your way home could you stop and…” – and he does. But since he decided to totally inconvience me by booking a JOB on a day when I needed to shop retail, I hefted myself into a vertical position and ventured forth. Forth in a BIG way. Here’s a rundown of where the MoonPie and I went –

Bank, Ann Taylor Loft, Coldwater Creek, Swoozy’s, Staples, *Retirement Community, Marshall’s, TJ Maxx, **Olive Garden, Consignment Shop, ***Marshall’s (yes, I went BACK), Subway, Goodwill, Publix, ****Target, ***Ross, ***Kaufman Tires, Jeanette’s House (to pick up the MoonPie.)

* Where I hit a curb and had my tire explode.

**Ran into some friends and they invited the MoonPie to lunch while I shopped.

***Where I made purchases ( a Ralph Lauren top and Michael Kors pants. From 2007.)

**** Where I found a tick on my head.

I did FINALLY find something to wear and I learned two important things – road hazard warranty on tires is a very smart idea and I have ticks. Oh, make that three things – my husband is a saint. Good to know.

Travel Alert

I’m heading out of town this week – I’m flying to Florida for the day. That’s right, leaving in the morning and coming back that night. I have to say I feel pretty cool. If someone stumbled onto this blog and saw my posts about being in India last month, and now flying someplace for the DAY, they might be fooled into thinking I’m a jet-setting, mover/shaker! But then they’d find the post where I brag about getting tuna fish for .45 cents and the truth would come out. Bummer.

My friend, Boat-Selling John, is making me go to a meeting in Pensacola.  “You need to go to Florida and take some pictures. Don’t wear any of that India stuff, dig out one of your old suits.” Easy for him to say. My old suits have somehow shrunk. In the rear section.

Things are so bad that I actually went to the MALL to buy a suit and return it purchase a suit. For the day. After trying on three, and then looking at the price tags, I decided to rethink the situation. Which led me to these –

Spanx say they can shrink your booty a whole dress size. Unfortunately I need to be shrunk TWO whole sizes. Sigh. So now it’s back to the Mall.

By the way, JD is also traveling this week and as far as I know he’s made NO effort to purchase a slimming device. Men.

Ahoy There!

Last year, after a lovely time at the lake with my sister, I decided that my life would not be complete without a boat. I called my friend, John, and asked if he would sell me his and he said yes. He named a very nice price and I agreed to buy it sometime before Summer, 2010. A few months later, he called and lowered the price. I happily agreed to the new LOWER price. I’m a tough negotiator. THEN, a few months later,  he called again to say that he was not only lowering the price, but we could make payments if we wanted. It was almost as if he was trying to get rid of the thing! What a sucker. So a few weeks ago I bought the boat! Whoo Hoo. My brother graciously offered to go and get the boat since we don’t own a truck. Or a trailer hitch. My brother is AWESOME like that. Did I mention he also has ski’s, life jackets, and disposable income? The point is – my boat is HOME!

Look at that beauty! Can’t you just feel the wind in your hair, and the spray as you crest the waves?? I bet you could ski 3 or 4 people at once! Doesn’t it just say – my owner is cool?

I wonder what MY boat says.  Sure it needs a little work, what boat doesn’t? Well, besides the one I just showed you?

John: I’m 99% sure that motor will crank right away.

MoonPie: I wish you were a 100% sure.

The interior could use some detailing.

Wow, I bet that tape gets sticky in the sun. Hmmm. Maybe some new upholstery is in order. too. It’s hard to tell under the grime.

Because my brother and I have been in ONE, real fight that I remember and it involved cleaning a boat, a broom and some bad words, I was too traumatized to even think of cleaning this boat. It’s been 20 years and my brother had long since gone home but I wasn’t taking any changes. Luckily I have a crew.

Excellent work on the stern side there. Now get to the friendly side and shine something! You have to use proper nautical terms or else your crew will get out of hand.

Work that jib, handle that jab! No one rides for free around here! Which brings me to another point – if you’d like to come HELP clean the boat, you can come with us on our maiden voyage – and enjoy a full day of water skiing up and down the lake.

Or rowing. Whichever.

Glam Zolli

Since I’ve been wearing my hair in either A) a ponytail or B) a plastic clip for the past 6 months, I thought it might be time for a new hairstyle. Not that I don’t LOVE a plastic clip, but what the heck, I’m in the mood for change.

I took this photo to my guy, Steve.

Me: Can you make me look like this?

Steve: No.

Me: Well, do your best to give me something I can work with. You know I have no hairstyling skills.

Steve: And by “no”, you mean ZERO.

Wow, he’s so brutal. I wonder if we’re related. Anyway, here’s what he came up with.

Not bad. The bangs are a little choppy, but otherwise I think I look good.  Of course, I once thought THIS looked good –

Gold Class Adventure

While I was in INDIA, suffering HORRIBLY for my faith and sacrificially bringing joy to the masses through relay races, I heard about this place called Gold Class Cinemas. It’s a movie theatre that seats only 20 people, has huge, leather recliners, a full menu, air conditioning and a staff ready to serve your every whim.

They have them in the US, too.

Man, that looks nice. But it would have been wrong for me to go. Unless the people I was there to encourage  WANTED me to, then it would have been rude NOT to go. Could one REALLY feel good about going to such a luxurious place in a country with so much poverty?

Apparently.