There are days when I feel like a nobody just hanging out here in the suburbs. Just kidding, I NEVER feel like that. I feel awesome and important, and today I have proof that I am.

First, my mother-in-law sent me an article from her local newspaper. Seems that they did a little profile on yours truly.

Profile might be too strong of a word, but my name was in the story caption. And they spelled it correctly! Never mind that I look like I weigh 312 pounds, the important thing is that of all the people they could have chosen for the story, they chose ME. And my partner who just happened to be the daughter of Al Decker, the person for whom they named the tournament.

As if that wasn’t enough to get my head spinning, this was ALSO in today’s mail.

That’s right, a personal letter from Mr. 41 himself. Our newly elected Senator, Scott Brown says my “contribution was instrumental” in getting him elected, lowering your taxes, and basically keeping you safe from terrorism. You have me and my massive contribution to thank. And it was MASSIVE. Do you have any idea how far $25.00 dollars will go at a yard sale?

I’m expecting to receive an invitation to Washington at any moment. Or at least an autographed copy of Cosmo, whichever.

Zollicoffer is a real place, although unless you grew up there, you might be hard pressed to find it. Only a handful of families live in the unincorporated area, and I’m sure there are local people who don’t even know where it is. I wanted to give you some statistics about it, but until this highly successful blog puts it on the map, we’ll have to use those of the closest town – Livingston, TN.

Estimated median household income in 2008: $27,582 (it was $23,309 in 2000)

For population 25 years and over in Livingston

• High school or higher: 60.8%
• Bachelor’s degree or higher: 12.9%
• Graduate or professional degree: 4.5%
• Unemployed: 6.2%
• Mean travel time to work: 19.5 minutes

Most common occupations for females:

Building and grounds cleaning and maintenance occupations (8%)

Textile, apparel, and furnishings workers (6%)

Secretaries and administrative assistants (6%)

Cashiers (5%)

Information and record clerks except customer service representatives (5%)

Other production occupations including supervisors (5%)

Assemblers and fabricators (4%)

Crime in Livingston by Year – 2008

Murders	0
per 100,000	0.0
Rapes	0
per 100,000	0.0
Robberies	1
per 100,000	28.1
Assaults	30
per 100,000	844.4
Burglaries	32
per 100,000	900.6
Thefts	72
per 100,000	2026.5
Auto thefts	1
per 100,000	28.1
Arson	1
per 100,000	28.1
City-data.com crime index (higher means more crime, U.S. average = 320.9)	323.7

and finally:

Livingston-area historical tornado activity is slightly above Tennessee state average. It is 91% greater than the overall U.S. average.

There you have it. – The fact that I’m not a white supremacist using my power as a maintenance supervisor to run a crime syndicate is in itself a miracle. But honestly, despite everything the people of Zollicoffer are on average very kind and giving. It must be the constant fear of tornadoes.

The contestants were nervous. They only had a few moments to form their groups and pick their songs.

They sang ballads. They rocked out.

“Back row, you’re through to the next round. Front row, it’s the end of the line.”

Some didn’t take it so well. Security was called.

Hollywood, it’s a cruel town.

Yawn.

This commercial annoyed me. You’ve got Dave on the right who never met a conservative he didn’t hate. Oprah, who isn’t satisfied with telling me what to buy for Christmas and what to read, but has now expanded into telling me how to vote. And Jay “Give me back my show” Leno. As I have mentioned, I’m firmly on Team COCO.

I get how some stupid people might have found the commercial funny, but I thought they went for the cheap laugh. With a little thought, I’m sure they could have thought of a way to make it funnier.

I did.