This is my dad’s dad, Grandpa Jack. He turns 92 today. NINETY-TWO. Holy cow, and no wrinkles. Isn’t he handsome? Happy Birthday, Grandpa! I love you.

He was one of 11 kids and has older brothers still living! Grandpa Jack is the one who told me I’d gained WEIGHT. This picture was taken right before he somehow tripped over his own cane and then beat himself with it.

My mother’s mother, Granny Meadows is having a birthday at the end of the month. She’ll be 96. She’s the last of 10 children, but her brother lived to be 101. With genes like these, I should live forever.

Providing, of course, that my skeleton doesn’t collapse under the weight of my massive body.

For NO REASON at all I decided to google the medical condition know as “menopause”, in case one of my much OLDER friends might one day go through it. I mean, I need to know how to encourage THEM, right? And as I was reading the symptoms, something became very clear to me. It HAS to be a tall tale. There is just no way it could be true. Obviously, this is one of those silly things your mother  tells you to try and curb your behavior. Like “if you don’t eat all your vegetables, Chinese people will starve,” “be nice or the boogeyman will get you,” and “if you’re not perfect, I’ll stop loving you.”

To think I ALMOST believed it. Some of the symptoms sounded rational – hot flashes, irritability, anxiety. But like most tall tales, they went too far. I mean, hair loss from the head, and hair growth on the face? Electric shock sensations under the skin? Changes in body odor and the feeling of ant’s crawling on your body? You expect me to believe that menopause is the morphing of a young, nubile woman into a stinky, bald, bearded, hateful, sweaty, twitchy, worried, fat mess that pees herself? That is HIGHlarious. You really almost had me.

Ha, ha. Good one, ladies. Very clever. Not  that it mattered to ME anyway, but my older friends will be relieved.

I attended a wedding this past weekend. Well, TECHNICALLY I crashed a wedding since I didn’t get the rsvp in the mail on time; but even with the threat of removal hanging over my head, I enjoyed myself immensely. This was partly due to the fact that for the first time in a LONG time, I didn’t have my husband screaming, “We’re going to miss the kiss! Hand me the 50. Not the 70-210, I said the FIFTY!”  It was so nice to just be a guest.

This wedding was particularly interesting. Check out the flower girl.

That’s right – she’s 10 months old. If this were a Zollicoffer wedding, she’d belong to the couple getting married, but these folks are upstanding – she’s the beloved NIECE. She was pulled down the aisle by the Ring Bearer.

She was a big hit, and took to the whole ordeal like she was born to be pulled around and adored. Mattie B. is the daughter of my nephew. That sounds a lot like a Great-Niece, except that that is ridiculous because Great-Aunts are very old and wear knee highs. She can call me “Granny Tania’s much younger sister.”

The reception took place in a tent at the local Bed and Breakfast, and was decorated beautifully. I liked the flower arrangements.

They had GOLDFISH in the base. How cute is that? Brides come up with the neatest stuff. If this were a 2nd wedding, I’m thinking two Beta fish would be more appropriate. Then you could watch them fight through the whole event. This is why I’m not a wedding planner.

They had the best favor I’ve seen at a wedding, EVER.  The groom is a bee keeper, so they gave away HONEY. There was a sign that said, “Thanks for beeing here”, and the label on each jar said, “Thanks for making our wedding so sweet.”

Could you die? So much nicer than the Matchbox cars we gave everybody  with stickers that said, “Don’t forget to check the TYRES”.

And last,  but not least, the BRIDE was lovely. She graciously welcomed me and my daughter, (that’s TWO people who showed up to eat without an rsvp), without blinking an eye. At least I think that’s what happened. When she showed up carrying a big stick, I just took the picture and ran.

Yeah, she LOOKS cute, but Sally Ann and I have a history. She was invited as a pup, to my parent’s 50th Anniversary weekend last March.

The family rented a cabin and JD and I elected to stay upstairs in the loft with Rachel. My grandmother, Sally Ann’s owner, slept in a back bedroom. The rest of the family took the other bedroom. You know, bedrooms with DOORS? Sally Ann was in a crate in the living room.

It was an AWESOME night. JD ate too much and spent about 3 hours throwing up. Rachel kicked me in the ribs constantly, and to top it all off, Sally Ann decided to wake up at 4 a.m., whining and crying to get out. So I had a choice. A) I could wake up my 95 year old grandmother and tell her to take her dog outside in the dark and pouring rain. B) Wake my husband who was hovering at death’s door, to take Sally Ann outside. or C) I could lay there in the bed until some other family member took pity on her and took her outside. I’ll leave it to you to guess which of those would be the LEAST likely to happen.  (If you didn’t say C, you haven’t been reading this blog).

That’s right. There I was, not once but THREE times taking Miss Sally Ann outside in the rain to do her business. She won’t be invited to the 60th.

Don’t look at me like that, you know it’s true. Well, okay. I GUESS  you can come. But I’m getting a room with DOORS.

It’s a gorgeous morning here.

Every step brings you closer to something blooming and beautiful in the morning light.

Well….ALMOST every step.

Check out the new and improved Zolligirl! How lucky am I to be surrounded by a team of professionals that make me look good? I found this free WordPress theme from Smashing Magazine. They have a ton of stuff, just search “free wordpress themes” and see for yourself. I took off the yucky blue background, then asked my dear husband to take a nice photo of me. It’s amazing what beauty lighting and photoshop can do for a gal. Finally, I sent everything over to Jeanette at FAT  and she put it all together.

This should really make all those snarky posts about vodka and butts look good!

I had lunch with a friend at Great Harvest Bread Company. They were giving away samples of the daily speciality bread – spinach, asiago and roasted red peppers.

And then, after I had eaten a piece of the heavenly yumminess, she told me they only had THREE loaves left! And it was time for the lunch crowd to arrive.

So I bought it, and I ate it, and I told JD how cool it was that they now sell half loaves at Great Harvest. Then I came home and blogged about how big my butt is getting.

The End.

And people think the lives of housewives are boring.

I know what you’re thinking, right? This can NOT be the same person from a year ago!

She’s gotten so BIG. She’s grown so much in such a short time. Stop her!

Please, someone, before her butt completely blots out the sun!

Her poor child. She must be so embarrassed. No wonder she looks so glum. Hey, teacher! It’s not nice to laugh at other people’s backsides! Geesh.