I’m confused

I’ve been dieting for 34 days and have only lost 2 pounds. How can this BE?? I’m being so careful.


Breakfast with low fat milk.


My mid-morning snack.


My lunch – NO bread.


And dinner. I just don’t get it. Unless it’s the Special K; I heard they got in trouble with the government for making false claims. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what it is. Tomorrow I’m having a bagel.

Feel better about your own stupidity

You’d think that a woman who’s main hobbies include playing bridge and cutting coupons could stay out of trouble. You’d be wrong.


A sad but true fact – I cannot get by with anything. I don’t have any bluffing or spy skills. I ALWAYS get caught. Here’s an example. A few years ago, I worked downtown for a venom-spewing boss. He was a real screamer and made people cry on a daily basis. So one day I was in my office whispering into the phone with an employee from another department. I was going ON and ON about how terrible he was, and that he made so-and-so cry, and he’s just HORRID, blah, blah, BLAH. Suddenly, one of the staff rushes into my office. Seems that I was on the INTERCOM the whole time! Fun times.

But of course I’ve learned my lesson and always stay out of trouble. HAHAHA. Just kidding.

My brother called me last week to tell me that his subdivision was having a community-wide yard sale. And even better, there was a Friday night “preview” for people that lived in the neighborhood. Uh…small issue, I don’t actually LIVE in his neighborhood. No problem, he said, if anyone asks, just give them my address. So basically, all that follows is HIS fault.

Now I’m sure that all of YOU would be listening to that voice in your head that’s saying, “that would be a LIE, and LYING is one of the big 10.” You know what was going through MY head? It went something like this, “WHOO HOO, FIRST DIBS”. So off I went, dragging my friend Jeanette with me.

Because I stink at subterfuge, and am basically paranoid, I had a plan in case a yard sale Nazi asked if we were, in fact, residents. Since the subdivision is divided into two neighborhoods, if while in Section A, someone asked, I’d give them my brother’s address as planned. BUT if I was in HIS subdivision, I’d say I lived in the other section. The theory being that I wouldn’t run into anyone who lived on the same street and wanted to discuss our neighbors or stray dogs, or babysitting woes. Jeanette was playing the part of the resident’s friend.

All went well in the first section, good sales and no questions. Then we went into my brother’s neighborhood. There I was, happily going through a treasure trove of educational books, when the lady having the sale asked, “Do you live in this neighborhood?’

This is the part where I can A) answer truthfully like a normal person, or B) answer that I live in the other subdivision. So what do I do?

C). Look all deer-in-headlights, freak out and  blurt, “Yes, NEXT DOOR!” What the heck? That wasn’t part of the plan! Of course she looks taken aback, after all I’m sure she knows her NEIGHBORS. “Next door?” She repeats.  I can practically see the question marks floating above her head. So now I’m panicking, and can feel my face getting hot. I point vaguely over my shoulder in the general direction of the other subdivision, whose name I’ve FORGOTTEN, and mumble, “the OTHER one.”

I’m such a bad liar. It’s OBVIOUS that I’m telling a big one or else am a complete idiot, so I put my head down and rummage faster through the books. I mean, so what? It’s not like she’s gonna call the police on me. I’m sure I’ll never see her again.

Jeanette,  enamored with all of the cool educational games,  decides to ask the woman if she’s a home-schooler. She says she WAS, but now she’s a teacher. At my DAUGHTER’S school! Her very small school.

Now I REALLY want to leave. But I’ve never seen this teacher before, maybe she teaches the older kids, on the days we’re not there. Jeanette offers that OUR girls go there too, how AWESOME!  Now she’s very interested in us. “What grade are your children going to be in?”  Second, we answer.


Wow. Yes, I’ve just met and LIED to Rachel’s future 2nd grade teacher! Groan. Anyway, we ended up talking at length, about our children, their names, the whole deal. There is ZERO chance she’ll forget me.  So I have two choices. I can either see her at the first day of school and confess, OR move to her subdivision. I think we both know what I’m going to do.

Does anyone know a good realtor?

Need a little more irony? In my haste to get away, I grabbed several card games. Turns out one is to help learn The 10 Commandments. God is so NOT funny.

Courtesy of my dogs



This is my sweet baby, Gitzo. She’s almost 13 years old. I was worried that she’s looking old, but JD assured me that dogs live forever. Whew. That took a LOAD off.

We got her right after we got married. She was supposed to protect me while he was away. Uh..not so much. This is a dog that shakes and hides behind me when a loud truck drives by. Still…she’s a love bug, so we keep her.

Do you have a love bug of your own? Purina is giving away a $3.50 cent coupon AND when you sign up, they will donate a bag of food to your local shelter. Click HERE to go to the site. You can hit the back button and print two. I was able to find it on sale and got 2 bags free!


This is Freeda. When we found her she was chained up in a backyard with chewed and bloody ears. We “freed her”. Obviously grateful, she IS a protective dog. She probably won’t bite you, but she might. Go HERE for a band-aid coupon. It’s a dollar off and Target has trial size for .99 cents. So you’re making a PENNY. Not bad for dogs.

P90X Update


This is Tony. He’s the dude on my P90X dvd that tells me to “BRING IT!” every day. I don’t know who the chickie on the right is, but I don’t like her. Mainly because she looks like she’s already “brought it”. Waaaahhh. I want to bring it, Tony, I want to BRING IT!

Sigh. I’ve been doing this ultra-difficult, fat-roasting workout torture for 32 days. THIRTY-TWO days. Only once have I skipped what I was supposed to do, because my back was WRENCHED, and I did TWO workouts the next day to make up for it.

And I’ve been dieting – protein bars, grilled chicken, grilled fish, rice, REPEAT. For 32 days.

Total weight lost? TWO POUNDS. That’s right, 2 whole pounds. I would be really discouraged except for the fact that my husband SWEARS that I’ve gotten more toned. And I can now touch my toes, so whoopdie doo dah. I’m getting all healthy and flexible and crap.

But I wanted to BRING IT.

Here’s the before –


Here’s me after 32 days –


All right. I guess I can see a tiny difference. I’ll keep pushing on. But if the weight doesn’t start moving – I’m gonna BRING Mr. Tony Horton something he’s not expecting. And his little chickie too.

Moron Test Kitchen-Hot Wing Dip

I’ve wanted to try a Hot Wing Dip since last year, when a friend served one at a party. I found this recipe at www.AllRecipes.com and thought it looked easy enough.

The ingredient list – 1 pound of skinless chicken, 1 package of  cream cheese (8 oz.) , 1 cup of ranch dressing, 1/2 cup of hot sauce, and 2 cups of cheddar cheese.


Okay, you can see I started making changes immediately. Instead of cooking the chicken ( about 4 minutes on each side) and shredding it, I figured I’d just buy the canned variety. Look, if  I can save time, and NOT cook something, I’m going to go for it.


Dump the chicken in a casserole dish. Light it dramatically for flair.


Stir in softened cream cheese.


Open a bottle of hot sauce. Use a knife so you don’t bend your thumbnail backwards. Notice your hands look fat and dry. Buy some hand cream. Stop eating.


Stir in the hot sauce and ranch dressing, then top with cheese.


Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes until the cheese is bubbly and brown. Did I take this out too soon? I might have, but it smelled GOOD.


Serve with tortilla chips, etc. I didn’t have any, so we used flour tortillas. Buy tortilla chips.

The end result – Moron Test Grade A! This was sooooo easy, and very good. Okay, okay, it would have been BETTER if I’d cooked the chicken and cut it into small pieces. But STILL, yummy. My way made for easy clean-up since everything went into one bowl. But it was more “dippy” than “appertizerly”. I just made up that word. Chunky chicken would have made it a little hardier. See which way works best for you.

Now for a bit of bad news. I don’t know how to tell you this.

There really is NO way to say it.

I guess I’ll just have to show you.


Now you know why my fingers are fat.

Violating Hippa: An Update

Update: My brother sent me a text this morning that it should say HIPAA, and Google agrees. But I woke my husband from a dead sleep last night and HE said, with great authority, that it is the Health Information Patient Privacy Act. I bet Google feels stupid.


Testing the eyes.


Checking the height.


Charming the doctor.


Showing the damage.


Reflecting on her morning.

Date Night

1stdateJust look at us…how pathetic. All we were thinking about was ourselves, having fun, hanging out with friends, wearing RETAIL. 

Thank goodness we got married, grew up, matured into normal, responsible suburbanites.


Date nights now consist of extreme grocery shopping with coupons. And we didn’t just hit ONE store. No way, baby, we went to FOUR!


Those poor, single losers living life downtown. We got Chex Mix for 25 CENTS! Take that SUCKERS!




JERUSALEM – An Israeli woman mistakenly threw out a mattress with $1 million inside, setting off a frantic search through tons of garbage at a number of landfill sites, Israeli media reported Wednesday.

The woman told Army Radio that she bought her elderly mother a new mattress as a surprise on Monday and threw out the old one, only to discover that her mother had hidden her life savings inside. She was identified only as Anat, a resident of Tel Aviv.

When she went to look for the mattress it had already been taken by garbage men, she said. Subsequent searches at three different landfill sites turned up nothing.

This would never happen to me. First of all, I’d never buy my mother a new mattress; she only sleeps about four hours a night anyway. How bad could it be? Secondly, I’d be tipped off about the life savings by the clanging of the coins. And finally, we’d NEVER throw anything away. Sell it in a yard sale, MAYBE, but never throw it away.


Since Rachel turned seven this year, I thought it was high time she learned about chemistry. And because I’m too intellectual to  pare it down for a CHILD, I ordered this book off Ebay.


It was SEVENTEEN dollars. It’s a book about chemistry; Dr. Keller ought to pay US to read it! (Snort. Did I mention that in addition to being a bridge expert, my mother-in-law taught advanced chemistry, has four degrees, was once Georgia STAR teacher of the year, AND is a pharmacist?) 

So we’re reading it and it ACTUALLY makes sense! I mean to Rachel.


The little atoms have arms! How cute is that? So Rachel understands that because Oxygen has 2 arms it can hook up with one Hydrogen on each….H2O. 

And look at this showoff –


Five hookups? This must be the ladies man of the Periodic Table. We fight over who gets to be him.

Which brings me to the obvious point of this post – why isn’t my MOTHER-IN-LAW homeschooling Rachel while I play BRIDGE?? Exactly.