Today was better in that I didn’t have to show anyone the fine china. See previous post for an explanation. So on to better days! If you’re not on Twitter, you might have missed these.
As for Facebook, people seem to be saying that $100B is a small price to pay to avoid interacting with actual people. Andy Borowitz ?@BorowitzReport
When someone tells me they ran a marathon I usually ask “cool did you win” that usually shuts them up. Ken Jennings ?@KenJennings
Fell in the bathroom and hit my head today. Ambulance showed up before I could invent a flux capacitor. Will try again tomorrow.Stephen Colbert ?@StephenAtHome
Say you wake up fat, and with an appointment to see your FEMALE doctor. Normally, this would be bad enough, but you want to make it worse.
1) First, stop at Subway for a lettuce salad with a side of lettuce. While you’re there, go to the restroom and open the door to find a crazy, homeless man using the bathroom. Stand there flabbergasted while he tells you “It’s fine, come on in.” Go get in the end of the line so he can come out and stand right behind you, mumbling and asking you if the food is free today.
2) Leave Subway and stop by the local retirement community. Stop and chat with an elderly man, notice he’s gotten thinner. Laugh when he says that he eats and eats and doesn’t gain weight. Tell him you have the opposite problem. Listen as he tells you, “Yes, you’ve gained a pound or two.”
3) Head to your doctor’s appointment. Get weighed and realize that while your scale at home told you that you’re the fattest you’ve ever been, it was wrong. Watch the nurse slide the weight to four pounds PAST that. Go into the examination room and think fondly of days gone by when there was actually a changing area with a curtain and a real gown. Undress as fast as you can in the middle of the room then sit on the table wearing a paper vest open to the front and a paper sheet over your lap. Note that it doesn’t cover your behind, thus ensuring that it will the first thing your doctor sees upon entering.
4) Get your exam. In the middle of it, notice how the nurse comes halfway in, leaving the door open. Since there’s a mirror right next to the door, note that you can look down the hallway. Also note that people in the hallway can see you.
5) Go home, tell your husband everything. Listen as he tells you it probably wasn’t the best day for the people at the doctor’s office either.
Kittens, this has not been my day. First of all, and it’s hard to admit this publicly, but I’m not a very good bridge player. Shocking, I know. But it’s the painful truth. Tonight my bridge partner didn’t even show! He. Stood. Me. Up. That’s cold, even for bridge players. So I played with some poor woman who drove an HOUR from Atlanta only to come in on the bottom. If you hear of an old lady driving the wrong way on the interstate that’s my partner, confused and/or suicidal from my poor play.
On top of that, I’m starving! It’s been three days of nothing but natural food and to what end? I’ve lost .04 pounds and JD has lost SIX POUNDS. We may not make it to our 16th anniversary, I’m just saying.
But who cares? Tomorrow is a new day, right? Wrong. I have an appointment at the, ahem, female doctor. I called on Monday to make an appointment, figuring surely it’d be a few weeks before they could take me, but NO. I have to have the only doctor that has openings in all of Marietta. The nurse had the nerve to ask me why I hadn’t been in since 2008. Hello? You’re a FEMALE doctor. Some people are dense. I can’t WAIT for them to tell me how much weight I’ve gained in the last 4 years.
On second thought, that old lady driving up a one-way street? It’ll probably be me.
Me: “I was watching this show where this woman had dementia so her husband put her in a retirement home and she started an affair with another patient. They both had dementia, so do you think that’s okay?
First of all, before I begin to list all of the exciting things I’ve done over the past few days, let’s all take a moment and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Tania-the-Mad.
It’s safe to say that Tania was a lot of things in Alaska, but LOST was not one of them. People on cruise ships could see her! Happy Birthday, Sister. I hope your day is as bright as your clothing!
Where was I? Friday I had a meeting with my writing friends while JD drove to Indiana and back. He could have flown but someone had used all the frequent-flier miles. Whoopsie. I picked Moon up from school and she informed me that she’d been invited over to her BFF from school’s house. There is no saying NO to her BFF from school’s house. I can’t compete with a pool and a playhouse and a neighborhood full of fun kids playing something called “War”. The afternoon fun turned into overnight fun so I had the house to myself. What to do? I know, BRIDGE.
Kittens, I’ve discovered bridge online. Oh sure, anyone can play bridge online, but did you know you can play actual tournaments with ROBOTS for only a dollar a game? I KNOW. If you win, you get real ACBL points! I’m proud to say that I am .39 points richer, or $20.00 poorer, depending on how you look at it. I choose the former, obviously.
Saturday I picked up Moon from her friends house, sent her to her room to clean, woke her up three hours later, and sent her to clean again. It’s a little something I like to call “our weekend”. After she’d assured me all was well, we invited her BFF-not-in-school over for an afternoon of 4-wheeling. Basically they rode circles around the yard at a top speed of 5 mph, but it kept them busy and allowed me to yell at my robot partners for a few more hours.
This was also the first day of JD and Lisa’s Reboot! Yes, I decided last week that we should do another juice fast, this time for THIRTY days, and all juice, no food! That lasted until about noon, when I decided that we should do juice and RAW food, I mean, hello? Then at dinner, I decided that raw was a bit too restrictive and we’d just narrow it down to juice, raw, and cooked food. All of this to say, it’s going really well.
Sunday morning was Mother’s Day so I woke up to a lovely glass of carrot juice. Yum. Ola. Then we went to church, and Costco where I got to not eat any of the free samples. But Mother’s Day is not about what you eat. It’s about what you GET. And I got a juicer.
Or as I like to call it, Tania-the-Mad’s belated birthday gift.
Juneau has a lot of things to do if you’re into walking uphill, which you should know I’m NOT. So forced to decide between something called “hiking” and riding on a boat, I signed up for whale watching.
It seemed like a good sign that my Star Wars loving kid was about to embark on a whale adventure on a boat called OB 1. Captain Colin met us at the marina and we were off!
We were able to stay warm and dry on the boat while Moon kept watch for marine life.
Good job, Moon!
The whale swam around us, diving and resurfacing for about 30 minutes. He also did very slow dives as if he knew we were taking photos. Which didn’t help since none of us could accurately master the dive-to-camera-lag ratio. This is the best shot I got. Only my deep spiritual gift of self-control kept me from throwing the camera in the deep blue sea!
Captain Colin called our attention to a buoy up ahead…
Sea Lions basking in the sun clouds. Not as exciting as seeing one eaten by a shark, but okay.
Moon loved riding the boat and only once did she complain of feeling nauseous. Considering she’d had two pieces of fried chicken, potato wedges and a bag of sour patch candy before we’d left the harbor, I think she did well.
It was one of my favorite days in Alaska. Captain Colin was an EXCELLENT captain. I base this on my thorough knowledge of boating, the fact that we didn’t capsize even once, and because he was super cute.
Yes, I went to Alaska, (State Motto: Fixing Your Hair is Futile) and I can tell you one thing – I no longer think being Governor of Alaska qualifies you for President. I think LIVING in Alaska qualifies you for President. I feel like I should have a parade or something just for making it back alive!
I had a lot of fun and took loads of photos, but I’m going to break these up in as many posts as I can. I’ve got to catch up on some sleep! Besides, the greatest joy of the trip for me was watching MoonPie. Here’s a few shots from our day at the Mendenhall Glacier.
Moon finds ice floating down the river.
Moon finds a bigger piece of ice floating down the river. It’s a glacier, what do you expect? Yes, Alaska has driven my niece crazy and she thinks what she’s wearing is appropriate winter attire.
Alaska Ashleigh takes Moon dangerously close to the waterfall.
Alaska Ashleigh convinces Moon that touching the waterfall is a good idea.
MoonPie loving on her mother. Or warming her cold hands inside her mother’s coat. Whichever.
We walked from the parking lot to the glacier and waterfall in the pouring rain. It wasn’t that far, but afterward, we were all strutting like we’d really done something BIG. We walked. In ALASKA. Everyone, that is, except my mom who waited it all out in the parking lot.
Some people just don’t have that pioneering spirit. She’ll never be President with that attitude.
1. Moonpie and I are leaving Thursday for ALASKA. We’re headed to Juneau to see Alaska Ashleigh and the gang – 10+ hours of travel with a 10 year old. I’m pretty sure my adventures with Mantamy prepared me for whatever comes my way.
2. Here’s a tip in case you’re a Vietnamese hair-removal specialist. Keep the talking to a minimum. Stay away from comments like “It’s been a while huh?, Whew, that looks MUCH better!, and Do you want your lip done, too?”
3. I played bridge last night and Patty and I came in 2nd! Whoo hoo. Vicky, playing with a handsome stranger, came in FIRST. That’s a double whammy, so I’m guessing she’ll never play with us again. I was a little depressed when I saw a friend’s name on the wall. Last year we played together at the Non-Life Master tournament (under 300 points) and won, but now she’s ineligible. She’s a LIFE MASTER. Two years ago, Dan O. played his last NLM. So this August should be MY last NLM tournament. Only 244 points to go! It could happen.
4. I watched the awesome Baby Alison today. JD took some cute pictures which you can’t see because we are MUCH too busy watching Revenge to get them posted. If you watch Revenge, you know what I mean!
I’ll be honest, I was a little worried about traveling to India with Mantamy for two weeks. I mean, sure we’ve been friends for years, and yes, we did go to India two years ago with no problems, but still. Two weeks is a long time to be share a tiny space, amiright? . I just knew something would come up to test our friendship. I just didn’t expect it to be on DAY TWO.
So there we were, our second night in India, in our room at the Children’s Home. It’s a very comfortable place, but no frills. Mantamy was sleeping on a metal twin bed, and I had pulled my mattress onto the floor where it was cooler. The room didn’t have air-conditioning, but with a ceiling fan, it wasn’t uncomfortable.
This is the point in the story where Mantamy always interrupts and insists that you know two things. First, about 3 years ago while visiting India, she got Dengue Fever, which everyone knows is a virus spread by mosquito bites. And TWO, since it was Lent, I was fasting breakfast, which everyone knows is the time between when you get up to start your day and 11:00 a.m. Okay?
I woke up about 3:30 a.m. due to a variety of circumstances. A) I was still suffering from jet lag and 3:30 in the morning is about 2:30 in the afternoon US time. B) The electricity had gone out, thus no ceiling fan so the room was a bit hot. And C) someone in the neighborhood decided 3:30 a.m. was the perfect time to have prayer at the local Hindu temple. Or Mosque. I’m not sure, it was just loud wailing to me. So I got up to visit the restroom, and as I was walking back to bed, this THING, hair all askew, sat up and in a loud voice said:
Wow. At first I thought Mantamy was making some sort of prophetic proclamation, like “Where there is no wind, and by wind I mean PRAYER, the mosquito (or SATAN) will come!” But no, she just meant that the wind in the house, or as normal people call it – the CEILING FAN – had gone off and I should get under the covers.
Okeey dokey. Seriously, as if the wailing down the street wasn’t bad enough, who could sleep after THAT. This is when I realized that I was hungry. So quietly and covertly, I turned on my flashlight, found a granola bar, and got back in bed. To combat the noise outside, I put on my headphones and turned on my Ipod. Ahhhh, heaven. There I was, happily laying in bed, listening to worship music and enjoying my granola bar.
Unbeknownst to me, Mantamy and her bionic ears, could hear my granola wrapper. She said, “What are you doing?” Oblivious, I continued to eat. So she asks louder, “What are you DOING?” Again, I was in my own world, enjoying my evening. Finally, she yells, “SERIOUSLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Rude, amiright? I finally heard her, pulled off my headphones, and answered, “I’m eating a candy bar.”
To which she laughed hysterically, because she thought, erroneously, that eating at 3:30 a.m. is considered breakfast and I that I was cheating, which everyone can see is WAY off base. Thirty minutes later, she finally stopped laughing, I threw away my wrapper, and lay back down in the dark. Then I heard:
“And you want to know something else you do?”
You can imagine my enthusiasm. “Sure, what else do I do?”
“You make this weird breathing noise! You SIGH over and over.”
Day TWO and Mantamy doesn’t like the way I eat or breathe. After promising that I’d do my best during the rest of the trip to do neither, she finally allowed me to go to sleep. And sleep I did. A nice, relaxing, deep, sleep.
Until 8 a.m. when I awoke with a start because someone, with forethought and malice, was holding a granola wrapper inches away from my ear and making as much noise as possible.
SIGH.
Obviously, it’s only our great spiritual maturity that has allowed us to remain friends. That, and as annoying as we are, who else would we ever get to travel with us?
Saturday, MoonPie had a tennis match, the last of the regular season. Her team was in 3rd place, and with a decent showing, they’d be in 2nd by the end of the day. Why is this significant? The top 2 teams of each division go to the playoffs. As we drove to the match, I asked Moon, “What’s the most important thing to remember today?” And she said:
“TO HAVE FUN”.
I blame the church. As you can imagine, I was thrown for a loop! Then I thought, perhaps she means, “To have fun which you can only do by winning because losing sucks.”
Unfortunately, nope, she meant it as “the most important thing is to have fun.”. And then she went on to lose. The worst part – she did not care at all. Not. One. Bit.
ARGGGH. Do you know how frustrating it is to watch someone stand on a tennis court and daydream? Or leave the court with a shrug, like losing is just as fun as winning? Or not obsess over all of the missed serves and the what-could-have-beens?
This attitude does not bode well for her future as a bridge player.
My mom will comment that I was the same way. That I was the girl in the outfield twirling my hair and wondering if the heat was making the 40 pounds of hairspray in my hair melt. It’s true. I wasn’t competitive until my twenties. What happened? I started playing tennis at the country club was your worth was judged my how well you played. So I took lessons and practiced and played about 5 matches a week until I became one of the better, of the average, players. Winning = Worth.
The good news is that her team somehow managed to win enough games so she’ll have another chance to redeem herself in the next two weeks. The bad news is that that is not long enough to teach her that her self-worth comes from performance. Country Club applications don’t get approved overnight.
