Working 9 to 7:30

If you were planning on working a full-time job, managing a huge fundraiser, and writing a book – don’t. Unless you LIKE the high that no sleep and stress can bring, in which case, go ahead. I was so busy today that when I answered the phone and found my EDITOR on the line, I was all like, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. You think you’ve got a busy day hanging out in New York, try MY life for a day.”

I took Moon to school today then went into the office and I did not come out except for using the restroom all the live long day. I didn’t even eat lunch which normally would be a bad thing except that I’m eating grass and boiled peanuts at this point, so it was not a big sacrifice.

Yesterday was busy as well, and had the added benefit of taking place over several locations. I didn’t roll into the house until 5 pm, but luckily the bridge table was set and we were able to get at least 8 boards played. If you don’t know what that means, you should really ask yourself what you’ve been doing with your life.

JD played and cooked dinner, then cleaned up the kitchen, then gave me 3 new shirts and a cute pair of pants he had just happened to find at The Gap because he thinks I’m fabulous and he yelled at me the other day, but mostly that last one.

And then, like tonight, I crawled into bed, hauled the dogs up on the covers with me, and watched a couple of hours of mindless television because I was too exhausted to do anything else. Unlike the other nights when I just watch television because I’m lazy. Totally different.

 

 

Cheating

It’s been some kind of week. I left town on Tuesday to go to Savannah. We have a new office there and I wanted to meet a new coworker, see the office, hang out on River Street, all of which I did. I even got to see my in-laws and a niece. It would have been awesome except for two things. One, I was still on the stupid RAW food diet so I didn’t get to fully enjoy all of the eating out opportunities, and Two -work. I’m not sure I’m cut out for it.

I was a little beat-down and depressed by the time I picked up Moon from school on Friday. Then it got worse. She was standing in the rain and when she got in the car, I asked why she didn’t go stand under an umbrella with one of the other kids. That’s when she said that she had tried, but they had closed ranks and left her out. I am a woman on the edge, PEOPLE. Then she said that she hadn’t gotten a Friday snack because she didn’t have a quarter and no one would share their “good behavior” cards with her. Why doesn’t SHE have “good behavior” cards? That is THE question. Moon says even though she helps her homeroom teacher put up chairs every day, she never gives her one. What the what! You mean people are ugly and you work to do good things and no one notices? Guurrrl, I can relate!

I had already planned to take Moon shopping for an Easter outfit, so off we went for a little retail therapy, then we called Dad to meet us for dinner because who wants to eat my cooking when the world is already so unhospitable?

Saturday, I stayed in bed until noon and watched back to back Heroes on Netflix, then I went to play tennis. I’m guessing the Lord wishes Sharon and I would start practicing more and leave him alone because we PRAYED nonstop the whole time. And we won BIG. Whatever works, amiright Kittens?

Sunday was GREAT, and also awkward. Great because my lovely niece, Brooke, got baptized! Awkward because JD and I decided to have an argument at the lunch afterward. I’m not sure why, but if I had a chart of all of our fights over the last 17 years, 90% would be on Sundays. Anyway, we went to church, had lunch with AmmoGuy and family and Bratt and Kit, hung out, sent the kids kayaking, and ate.

Jesus cheated death and I decided to cheat my diet. Yes, 20 days into my juice/raw fast, I caved. I had some egg casserole AND ham. I didn’t go all-in and eat bread or sugar, but still it was a failure. A DELICIOUS failure.

Now the week begins and it’s time to go back to work, eat raw food, and send Moon into the Hades on Earth known as “Public School.” At least one of us will have a better week. The only thing Moon will have to worry about on Friday is walking. Her pockets are going to be so full of quarters she’ll sound like a wind-chime when she moves.

 

 

 

Off the Phone

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This one is full-on her daddy’s girl. After working on the carburetor, she changed into her Star Wars, Dark Side t-shirt. If he hadn’t agreed to play bridge with us on Mondays, I’d have to kill him. It’s the only way to get her to play.

It’s All About Me

Today is day FIFTEEN, which means I’m half way there! I’ve never done a juice/raw diet for this long and I have to say it’s paying off. I’ve actually lost 8 pounds! That’s the good news. The bad news will take considerable longer:

1. I’m kind of irritable. I feel good, and I’m not hungry, but dang I want some sugar. I went to WalMart over the weekend and bought some dates, then came home and inhaled them like they were cupcakes. They did not do the trick and I’m kind of difficult to be around right now.

2. My body is aggravated. I hadn’t had any detox issues until Sunday when my body decided to just say NO MORE. Which was awesome because I was getting ready to take the tennis court. Of course it was hot, and we had to play THREE SETS, and I was starving. I finally broke down and ate the only raw thing available – broccoli. Not the best idea but I managed to get off the court without embarrassing myself. Well, other than the whole playing thing.

3. I’ve discovered my husband is cruel. I’ve been telling people for years that I’m fat because my of HIM and it’s true. I’m losing weight in SPITE of him. Today, he brought home two pounds of shrimp. He and Moon ate fried shrimp IN FRONT OF ME, then he had the nerve to pull out a box of Girl Scouts cookies. Seriously, people have divorced for less!

4. I’m out of ideas. I’m sure that raw food fans know all kinds of tricks for turning raw carrots into a pizza crust but I’m struggling to find things to eat. This morning I had a banana and a spoon full of canned mushrooms. Yesterday I made a “sandwich” by putting guacamole on two pieces of lettuce and wrapping a slice of tomato. No wonder my body is saying “no thanks”.

Oh, well. 15 more days and this will all be over and I’ll be lighter, and that is what’s really important. Plus, with a skinnier body, I’ll be able to find a much NICER husband.

 

 

Marriage Disco

We are now living with an “apparatus”. Moon went to the orthodontist this morning and they put wires  inside her mouth to create “space” which is apparently very expensive real estate. The good news is that she doesn’t seem to be in any discomfort. The bad news is now every piece of food/drink must be examined and discussed at length regarding her ability to eat it. We were told that she should avoid “sticky” foods like caramel and gum, but Moon refuses to be satisfied until she’s debated the stickiness of every single thing. Apparently an “apparatus” does not hinder speech.

The Tyres’ are good at speaking, so good in fact, we’ve been invited to moderate a panel discussion next week on MARRIAGE. We’ve been told that the couples will submit questions in advance for us to ask, but I’m thinking we’ll just shoot from the hip. Or better yet I could did out some of the questions from my old Newlywed Game.

Question: If you could make your spouse smarter or better looking, which would you choose?

I’m pretty sure JD would ask if both were an option.

Maybe this panel discussion will be the start of a whole new phase for JD and me. We can start a marriage blog, write a book, maybe take this show on the road.

dancing

 

Or maybe not.

 

 

Weekend with the Ladies

I had a fun weekend with Moon, my mom and Tania-the-Mad hanging in Tennessee. We were in town for another Vintage Fashion Show which is where mom takes vintage clothes I found in Atlanta for $3.00, puts them on models, then I buy them for back from her for $30.00 dollars. It could be worse; I could spend what Tania-the-mad does.

TTM brought some friends with her and they were AWESOME because they helped a lot, and gave me gifts, but mainly that last one. I now have tea towels for my kitchen and an Easter wreath for my door. At Christmas, they gave me a basket of washcloths. See what inviting people to your house will do? I’m sure cleaning supplies and bath towels are next.

I had a good time even though everyone involved decided to flaunt their wares in front of me. And by “wares”, I mean FOOD. Here’s a list of things I got to sit around and watch everyone else eat:

Sonic Chicken Strips, Baked Spaghetti, Chocolate Cake, KFC Fried Chicken, Macaroni & Cheese, Mashed Potatoes, Bacon and Chips.

Luckily, I brought my juicer along and had my usual carrot/apple/pear drink which was just as good I’m sure.

Yes, I have made it almost NINE days eating just raw fruits and veggies, and juice. The good news is that I feel great and my brain has adjusted and now thinks an orange is an appropriate snack. I can eat a half of a banana and feel practically full! The bad news is that I have not lost the appropriate amount of weight which I’m sure we can all agree would be 27 pounds. I ought to lose five pounds just for tolerating tonight’s dinner of mustard greens and mushrooms dipped in stir-fry sauce!

Tomorrow marks the 1/3 point. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS!

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Just 20 more days to go.

If I die, bury me with a pizza.

 

 

No Comparison

So Spring Break happened. I’ve never been so glad that my daughter isn’t on Facebook as I was this week. Sure, I thought our trip to the Gone With The Wind museum was fun, but I didn’t know how it would compare to the trips that our friends had taken to the beach, Washington DC, or Disney. Right now all Moon knows is that she got out of school which is good enough, but what happens if she starts comparing us to other parents? You know, the ones who do cool things?

I’ve been thinking about comparison a lot lately. Unfortunately for Moon, I AM on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus and every other website in the world and I see kids all of the time that are doing SPECTACULAR things. A few months ago I saw a 14 year old boy giving a speech to a room full of adults. He was so well spoken that I immediately starting thinking, “We need to have more CONVERSATION at our house. Moon needs to take elocution classes!” That’s a real thing, right?

Before I could sign her up for those, I saw three brothers playing in a bluegrass band. The youngest was 10 and I thought, “Moon has got to start practicing the cello more! She’s never going to get a scholarship with ten minutes a day. Good parents would make her play more.”

Before I could get her extra lessons at the music shop, I saw a story about a kid who was an awesome soccer player/chef/singer/writer blah, blah, BLAH. It never ends! When I was young, the only kids that my mom compared me to were my cousins Ginger and Lisa Dawn and lucky for me that were as ridiculous as I was. There was great freedom in not having to live up to some SUPER KID standard.

 

Me and Ginger being equally awesome.

Me and Ginger being equally ordinary.

When did growing up get so serious? I remember when playing was the point. Making the varsity was exciting enough and no one was disappointed that the Olympic Committee wouldn’t be calling. That’s a real thing, right?

I’ve decided to get off the comparison train. No more pressure to be THAT parent with THAT kid. God has a plan for Moon and has instilled her with everything she needs to grow into that promise. I’m sure she’ll do fine, even WITH parents who think going to a museum based on a movie qualifies as a vacation.

Hey, it’s not like Ginger or Lisa Dawn took their kids anywhere special.

The Many Faces of Cute

Since my brother and his wife were busy this week finalizing their move, I stopped by to pick up Baby A and bring her along for a day at the horse barn. While Moon was riding, we went into the break room and found some animals of our own – animal CRACKERS.

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I think she had a good time, but I’m not sure. She hides her feelings so well.

 

 

Vivien Leigh Might Have Been A Juicer

Hello, Kittens, it’s Day TWO of the Juice/Raw fest and things are going well. I woke up this morning feeling energized and not at all hungry, which I’m sure surprised JD considering the way I tore into a tomato last night. What can I say, I’m adaptable. My first juice of the day was a yummy concoction of Carrot, Apple and Pear.

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Delish!

It wasn’t so great that I didn’t drool a bit as I took my daughter through the Chick-fil-a drive thru, but it was good.

We were out and about because Moonpie is on Spring Break and I wanted her to have an exciting day doing something other than watching Clone Wars. Her father has warped her brain and we spent the entire drive playing an updated version of Grease Wars that now includes me pretending to be Danny, Sandy and Rizzo, PLUS Asajj Ventress whoever that is.

I FINALLY got out of the car and we went to something actually cool – the Gone With the Wind Museum. Best. Parent. Ever.

Moon had seen the movie over Thanksgiving and seemed to like it, so I thought it might be fun. Believe it or not, she wasn’t all that into it. But the truth is, all she’s been thinking about the last few days has been the whole Star Wars thing so I think she was surprised to find herself in a car and not a pod racer. The only time she seemed at all impressed was when we saw a dress Vivien Leigh actually wore in the film.

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And that was only because we were astounded that an actual human could fit into it.

Although in a few months, I should be able to wear it. I am traveling with a friend this week and I brought my juicer along cause I’m just that serious. Or delusional. I’m the lady that thought taking her kid to a GWTW museum would be an exciting Spring Break activity, so you decide.

 

Juicy Juicy Juicing Juicefest

Guess what, I’m juicing! That’s right, Monday was Day One of my 1 to 30 day juice (and raw food) fast. If you’re new to this blog, you should know that the chances of me actually completing 30 days of just juice (and raw food) are about 100 to 1. I base this on the 100 other diets I’ve tried and failed. That means this is time is the 1! The goal is between 1 and 30 days or my goal weight, which ever comes first. FYI, my goal weight will probably increase as the days pass.

So, why am I juicing? Because I want to get healthy. And by “healthy”, I mean skinny. I saw a photo the other day of a woman my age and she looked so FIT and so STRONG and, frankly, it pissed me off. Why am I laying around and slowly melting into the couch? I’m ready to get this diet under control and get FIERCE.

Why not some other diet? I’m over trying to figure out my points, and carbs and what has gluten. Juicing feels very simple. If it’s juice, I can have it. If it’s not juice, put it DOWN.

What am I juicing? This morning I juiced what I had:

Breakfast: 4 carrots, 2 apples, 1 clementine and a bunch of broccoli.

I would describe it as “unoffensive”. It did the job and I could get it down without gagging. I was even invited to lunch today at my favorite Mexican restaurant and while everyone else devoured the cheese dip, I asked for a glass of ice and drank my juice. I may only be “that girl” for a few days but I’m going to work it while I can.

This afternoon I went to the store. I could have looked around the internet and found a juice/grocery plan, but I went with the old “Let’s see what they have at Kroger” approach.  I bought what was cheap and scored a few things off the Manager’s Special table.

After work snack: Mustard greens, radish, and pear.

juice_recipe

It was SPICY, but again, not too bad. It takes a lot of mustard greens to make a small amount of juice, so when this bag is gone I’ll try something else.

For dinner I wanted to try something different – a Bloody Mary. I could have used the V8 in the fridge but that seemed like cheating so I made my own:

Dinner: 2 tomatoes, 1 stalk of celery, handful of spinach and a SMALL radish. Also, vodka.

This was my least favorite and a real waste of vodka. Oh well, I’ve got plenty of more days to perfect my recipes.

Or not, depending on how hungry I get.