1. Cool Business Cards such as:

This one for a cheese shop – it’s an actual grater!

For a stock broker.

2. Perfectly timed photos. Like this one:

3. This movie looks interesting.

It’s all I got.

I’m a Braves fan. Why else would I have spent my Sunday at Turner Field getting drenched and spending my weekly paycheck on peanuts and Dipping Dots? We did the chop, the wave, and the 7th inning stretch – all very difficult maneuvers if you’re not a true-blue baseball fan. It was a very exciting game. In the second inning Carolyn and I bought a bottomless bucket of popcorn and then in the FIFTH inning we went back for more only to be told they were OUT.

Uh, that looks like the bottom to me.

I was really worried and went to three different concession stands only to hear the same thing – NO POPCORN. It was touch and go there for a while, but finally in the 7th, Carolyn found a vendor with some and we were home free. Whew. Don’t even get me started about the 1-refill Coke I bought. Go Braves!

Friday and Saturday were spent at our friend’s financial class/seminar/dessert buffet. They didn’t give out any cash, but we did learn a lot, like “It’s not about the money!”, “Stewardship is only the beginning!”, and “If you work at it, you can fit 72 chocolate-covered pomegranates in your mouth!” That last one was especially satisfying.

Other than that, our weekend was the same as usual – laundry, WalMart, mopping. And since JD was doing all that, I caught up on my reading.

Baby A didn’t come over any this weekend, but I got to see her a bit during the week, and since some grumblers have complained that I don’t show photos anymore, this is for you.

Apparently, I’m hilarious.

Today was a banner day in the Tyre household – Moon passed the CRCT! Thank the good Lord above. The test ruined my 5th grade experience, not to mention my wallet. We wanted to make sure Moon had every opportunity to do well, so we had a tutor 2 – 3 hours ever week. And I guess it paid off! Or, Moon would have passed anyway and we just wasted our money. Whateves. All I know is that 6th grade is in our future and 5th grade can suck it.We haven’t actually SEEN the grades, but her teacher told the class that everyone passed the math and reading portions so unless she’s a bald-face liar, we’re gold.

Also, I played bridge on Tuesday night and, wait for it…we won! First over all for over 1.13 points -impressive or what! Every time I win, I go to bed thinking what life would be like to be a bridge pro. So basically I don’t spend a lot of time thinking what life would be like to be a bridge pro.

And as if the last couple of days hasn’t been grand enough, the meeting I was supposed to have tonight got cancelled and I got to sit on the couch and watch the season finales of Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal!

Tomorrow night I’m going to a friend’s house where he’s giving a class on financial management or something like that. I didn’t really pay attention but I assume he’s going to give us some money to practice with, so it seemed like a good idea. Moon is spending the night with her BFF, which is awesome, since I’m hoping to do some late night shopping and maybe a movie with my new funds.

That’s a pretty good life, I don’t care who you are.

Kittens, when my daughter asked me to chaperon her 5th grade field trip, I admit I had certain reservations, but the way she described it gave me hope. First of all, she said, we’d be traveling by luxury bus with TVs and a bathroom. The reality was slightly less fantastic. Yes, I was on a bus with tv’s and a bathroom, but I didn’t realized I’d be shoulder to shoulder with 75 stinky 5th graders who’d say things like, “I need to go #2!” and “I think I’ve got one about to come out!” out LOUD, or that the bathroom would be the size of a broom closet, or that the tv show would be a 3rd rate movie about horses and rednecks that made everybody in the south sound like a gap-toothed fool.

Also, responsibility. I thought that JD and I, yes he went too, would basically follow our daughter around enjoy the fun. In actuality, the teacher met us on the sidewalk and said our “group” would need a little extra help. One of the girls was in her own world and likely to walk away at any moment, and the other two, while best friends, were a bit “troublesome”. Lovely. Luckily I got home with all of them, but not without drama. At one point one of the girls wanted us to go outside, but the other one didn’t. Later, the other wanted to go out and the first one didn’t. During the course of the boat ride, the drama became so intense that one of the best friends wouldn’t speak to the other best friend, which led to 2 hours of the silent treatment and finally tears. I’d had enough and finally told the offended party to either make up with her friend or she could sit with me on the whole ride home. Let’s just say, my skills as a moderator are epic. Perhaps I should take a trip to Israel?

We went to Ruby Falls – impressive, Rock City – peaceful, and for a Riverboat cruise – a hot barge sitting on stinky water. And all they had to eat was pizza. Pizza for a non-dairy eating dieter! Obviously, regular readers are familiar with my discipline, which is why I’m ALSO a hot barge sitting on stinky water. Or a couch, whatever. Of the three, Ruby Falls was my favorite. I loved hearing about the history, especially how 3 men went down into an elevator shaft into the mountain to explore an air pocket, and crawled on their hands and knees through a passage that was 4 feet wide and 2 feet high for SEVEN HOURS before they could find a place to stand up, a trip that eventually led them to the famous falls. Hey, I applaud men and their pioneering spirit.

Tomorrow is Field Day at Moon’s school, which means another long day of hanging out in the hot sun with sweaty children. Unfortunately, I’ve got plans, but I’ve assured JD he can go. I WOULD but I’m not the one with the pioneering spirit.

I know I didn’t post yesterday, but that was only because I was laying in bed at 10:30 before I remembered and didn’t think it was worth the effort to get up. Actually, the day was TOTALLY worth it, but I was too lazy. Pity, cause some amazing things happened.

Like the fact that I showered. Before NOON. I was desperately needed at work so I got dressed and went into the office like normal sad sacks. I had just left my house and noted that there were groundhogs playing in the neighbors yard. Isn’t that nice? We get them at our house too, but their usually on the roof or in the attic. Still it’s nice to see animals enjoying nature. As I pulled out of the drive, I noticed 2 small animals playing in the grass next to the highway and slowed down for a better look. Turns out they were RATS. Awesome. Our neighbor recently told Moon that she keeps seeing a coyote in her yard. What with the coyote and rats and the WalMart across the street, I’m pretty sure my property value is just skyrocketing!

At work, something amazing happened. Someone told me I looked skinny! Because I’m a woman, I immediately yelled, “Well I’m NOT!” Luckily he believed me and I didn’t have to pull up my shirt and show him my muffin top cause I totally would have.

After work, Moon and I joined the bff- Jemi and her mom for a trip to Tellus, the science museum in Cartersville designed to teach you about science and make you feel like an idiot. No I DON’T know when the Wright Brothers took the first flight, but I know you have a sign that says No Outside Food or Drink in the museum yet I’m carrying a tote bag full of contraband juice boxes that you neglected to check so who’s stupid now? Holla.

We didn’t get home until 8:30 and I decided I’d hit the bed with a good book. Someone had posted a link on Facebook to a dystopian tale that looked good so I spent the 8.99 to buy it and was ready for a rollicking futuristic adventure. Turns out it was only 84 pages, which on my Nook with it’s screen the size of an index card, is like 2 pages in a regular book. I’ve read letters to the Editor that were longer than that.

So with all that fun, you can see why I forgot my blog. Luckily, I was able to remember it in vivid detail. This goes without saying but, you’re welcome.

Nothing like a tiring weekend to make you look forward to a Monday. The fun started on Friday when I went to a writer’s conference and hung out with writers talking about writing. It. Was. Awesome. The only thing that would have made it better was if I had done any actual writing. Oh well, I’ll get around to that sooner or later. I went with my friend Sandy, then she dropped me off at Cracker Barrel where I had the first of MANY Mother’s Day dinners. I was starving and by the time the food got there I DEVOURED it, then went home and lay face down in the bed till morning.

I got up Saturday and started cleaning house because my brother said he might come over with Baby Allison. I figured cleaning the floor was easier then performing the baby Heimlich but I needn’t have bothered because he didn’t even COME. Geesh. It wasn’t a complete waste of time since my friend Kathryn came over for a walk, and Moon had a friend spend the night, but I’d rather used the time to watch TV, or sleep. Or anything else.

Saturday night we went to our favorite restaurant, La Parilla, for my SECOND Mother’s Day dinner. I was starving and by the time the food got there I DEVOURED it, then went home and lay face down in the bed till morning.

Sunday morning was Mother’s Day and it was as awesome as usual. It started with coffee and cards in bed, descended into a rushed and stressful morning trying to get everyone to church, which led to me and JD having an argument DURING WORSHIP. Let’s just say when the worship leader sang, Holy Spirit You are Welcome Here, I pointed at JD’s head. Luckily, somewhere between all the singing and the preaching, I found it in my heart to forgive him because I am holy like that. And I might have been a little bit to blame. It’s all a blur.

After church, we came home and ate, then Moon and I went to an estate sale for my mom. I’d already been to the estate sale on Friday for my mom, but since I still had money in my checking account, she sent me back for the 50% deals. I got her lots of vintage clothes and purses, jewelry, coats and a couple of wigs. Yes, surprisingly enough, the wigs were still there after 3 days. When we got home, Moon insisted that I have a special Mother’s Day dinner, and that JD should cook it. I wasn’t really hungry but I felt like I should eat it to be nice. So I pretended I was starving by the time the food got there and I DEVOURED it, then went to the bedroom and lay face down in the bed till morning.

So your typical weekend.

Work had a Low Country Boil this evening and I went wearing one black shoe and one brown one. I would like to pretend that’s atypical but let’s face it – it probably happens more often than not. What do you expect when you make a person that’s been working from home for the last 6 years suddenly start dressing up and appear in public? They’re lucky that I wasn’t wearing HOUSE shoes.

They weren’t the shoes I started with; I actually went out earlier in the day to meet my Radigals and I wore some Chuck Taylor’s, but since we went from cold and rainy to 112 degrees by the afternoon, I threw on something a little more breathable. This. Is. Riveting.

At Radigals, we had a nice holy discussion about Grammar Nazi’s and how I’d recently learned that saying one feels “nauseous” is incorrect. If you feel you are nauseous, you’re actually saying you feel like you are inspiring nausea in others. You probably mean to say you feel NAUSEATED. It’s a little confusing so I just vowed to say “I’m a gonna hurl” from now on. And I realize I ended that sentence with a preposition but Grammar Nazis need something to keep them occupied, amiright?

That nausea inducing conversation led to some other commonly misused phrases such as saying you’re on tender hooks. No, you’re on TENTERHOOKS.

Tenterhooks are hooks in a device called a tenter. Tenters were originally large wooden frames which were used as far back as the 14th century in the process of making woollen cloth. After a piece of cloth was woven, it still contained oil from the fleece and some dirt. A craftsperson called a fuller (also called a tucker or wa[u]lker) cleaned the woollen cloth in a fulling mill, and then had to dry it carefully or the woollen fabric would shrink.

Now don’t you feel better knowing that?

Which one of you jack legs is going to write my obituary? I expect something like this.

CLICK HERE.

Not that I’m planning on dying any time soon, but I’ve seen your comments and I’m thinking you might want to get started now.

I was chatting with the bridge ladies this evening about the usual – current events, the awesomeness of bridge, and men. I’ve been thinking lately about how men used to get to do fun things like sail ships across the ocean, conquer frontiers, fight Indians, kill animals for food and drink in saloons with women named Miss Kitty. Now the most dangerous thing they have to navigate is rush-hour traffic while drinking a grande half-caff.

Life has changed for women as well, but some how the fact that we now do laundry inside instead of banging our underwear against a rock in a river hasn’t diminished the fun of the endeavor.  Poor men.

So I’ve decided that JD can have a free Vacation Pass. Find an adventure, go on a trip, get your City Slicker on with a couple of friends, whatever. Here’s a quick list of a few ideas.

1. Running with the Bulls in Pamplona.

2. Learn to fly a helicopter in Alaska.

3. Rafting the Grand Canyon

4. Take a cross-country ride on a motorcycle.

5. Fly to the edge of space

Obviously I need to work a couple of things out before he can go, like money. Also, life insurance. But before you know it he’ll be off on a wild adventure and I’ll spend the time getting in touch with MY feminine side by doing laundry. Or going to a spa, whatever.

PLEASE promise me that if you ever have your wisdom teeth out I can come and hang with you. Two, three minutes is all I ask.